The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am so fed up right now. I am so tired of getting angry at my AH (I don't know all the lingo yet). He is actually my AF (alcoholic fiance).
I am tired of being ridiculed and manipulated. I am tired of hypocrisy and double standards. I was strong and happy before and during the first 2 years of our relationship, but now I am angry all of the time. I don't know how to get back to being my old-self (happy, healthy, strong, motivated). Now I feel like the textbook significant other of an addict.
I am tired of thinking about him constantly and not believing a word he tells me...he was sober for 3 years. Then, we got engaged, and I relocated to another state to live with him...I had to start my entire life over...new job, new school, new home. He is the one and only person that I have here that I love. He lost his sobriety 3 weeks ago, and has been on something ever since.
Now, I don't know who this man is. I went to my first alanon meeting, balled my eyes out uncontrollably, bought a few self-help books, but I am fed up. He said something so insulting to me tonight and my response was, "What would you do if you had a daughter and somebody said that to her?" His response was, "I would kill him." Why in the world am I allowing myself to tolerate this behavior?
I feel totally stuck. I don't know how to "make myself happy" when I am living with a man whose behavior I despise. I am still learning about alanon, but I need some serious help right now.
Why in the world do people stay with addicts? Please give me one good reason, other than love.
-- Edited by mermaid88 on Friday 8th of May 2009 12:05:55 AM
Al-Anon has a take on leaving that is called "detachment". You will find that word and pages of help and support for it in the back of your readers/literature.
See what you can learn from that. Sorry with your pain. It was my pain that made my memories of recovery fondest.
Hmm.... complacency..... fear...... lack of self esteem...... monetary issues (real or imagined)..... excitement (don't laugh, it's in the books).....stubborness..... wanting to beat it.... etc., etc...
To each their own.....
Some stay, and are successful..... Some stay, and it is a disaster.... Some leave, and are successful.... Some leave, and it is a disaster.....
I think it boils back down to you - what YOU want/need out of life, and what you will make of your life with or without the alcoholic/alcoholism.... One word of caution - Al-Anon can be helpful, even if you leave, as it may reduce your chances of repeating your same choices next time....
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
As the gentlemen stated... The choice is your to make on what you want out of your OWN life, I was always told that "If nothing Changes...NOTHING Changes" with him being back in the habit 'Newly' it is hard to say were it will lead, but that is HIS problem, and here at Al-anon we try and remove ourselves from their addictions and put the focus back on ourselves...
So far it has been wonderful for me.. .I have learned so much from al-anon and this family, I don't have an Active A that I live with but my entire family pretty much are, and I still come by here as often as possible and share and read and try to lend a kind word or too...
Go to a Face to Face meeting, they are a great help to me when I need a soft place to land... they are wonderful...
Keep coming back... It works if you work it.... Friends in Recovery... Jozie
The reason I think most of us stay is we have codependent issues, so there is something in us that is a little sick & twisted too. Once you can become aware of your issues, that is half of the battle, then you can decide to change from the regular old ways of reacting & be able to make some independent actions of your own.
Getting to meeting, studying up on the disase to learn when to tell yourself, 'that's the disease talking' and detach from that stuff. They say hurtful things, to hurt us. If they can be hurting someone outside of them, that takes their focus off of them. You can learn to not allow what he says to hurt you anymore. Our feelings are our own. You dont have to take it in or give any value to what he's saying, it is designed to hurt & he knows that. So you moved & changed your life. That is a choice you made & you can own that. You can choose not to fixate on him, focus on YOU and your new environment.
You say you used to be happy. You can be happy again but not while you are focsuing on him. Focus on you. What do you want to do & what can you do to allow yourself to feel better. Working out & eating well help too. Do what you love in your new area. Get to meetings & reach out, you will likely make some friends there.
The thing is, even if you just up & leave, it is likely that there are issues in you that will attract another A. You can change right where you are & be happy again but not if you're focused on him. Once I began to practise self-love & set boundaries, everything in my life change & I stopped looking outside of myself for happiness, I found it within.
You are the only one you can control, change or fix ~ you are worth it.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
My heart goes out to you. It sounds like a difficult place to be. What would give you a breath of fresh air to think, detach, and focus upon what you truly need?
It sounds like you are on the right track asking the questions you are asking of yourself and noticing what is happening from your perspective in your life.
The questions might be difficult to ask
but keep asking
hope you can be gentle with yourself as you continue this journey.
I think it boils back down to you - what YOU want/need out of life, and what you will make of your life with or without the alcoholic/alcoholism.... One word of caution - Al-Anon can be helpful, even if you leave, as it may reduce your chances of repeating your same choices next time....
Take care Tom
This is what i asked ME when i left my A of 13 years together....I just got tired of living a separate life WITH a man...and the BS broken promises, even tho he was sweet to me, i could not trust him......i told him "recovery" or we split......now??? A's make me RUN!!! i married two of them and BOTH ended up divorcing.........life is just too short for me to do it again.....
now i am working on me...and now i know WHY i "settled" for less then what i deserve....i grew up with it....knew nothing else....no other way to live....now i know there IS a healthy way to live...and i am doing it....ALONE for now, but at PEACE.......
whether you go or stay, its something you gotta decide within yourself.....for me??? if my 2nd "A" had gotten into recovery and really worked it i would have stayed with him because he was good to me....the 1st one??? hell no!!! he made me miserable....there was no chance...5 years of hell...the 2nd one i kept 13 years.....i miss the good times we had, but not the freaking drinking...........
I think Kitty said it best: " You can be happy again but not while you are focsuing on him."
I am still working on that myself! I left my AH 2 months ago. I am becoming very aware of how much of my time and energy is spent focusing on him (this doesn't make me happy). Its tough not to sometimes.... that's why I like these boards and the alanon chat room, they are a constant reminder to keep the focus on me and my recovery. I don't know if my marriage is going to work out or not... I'm in limbo, which is very difficult. I love my husband dearly, but I hate his disease. Being around him when he is acting out makes me crazy.
I found it hard to move out and get myself in a safe place.... but now my anger is pretty much gone... I mean hey, we all have our bad days right? but I catch myself now... and allow myself to deal with it in a healthy way. I force myself to engage in activities that used to make me me happy. That has helped me change my focus, and has made me a happier person.
I'm pretty new to alanon, but so far it has shed some light on me, and how I can deal with the obsicles in my life.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you should focus on YOU, top priority! With him or not. It helps... alanon has worked wonders for me so far.
I feel for you, and wish you all the best.... I know how unhappy things can get.
