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My husband has missed his last two Intensive Out Patient Therapy appointments because he's been drunk (sorry, he claims that he's sick). I called the therapist who runs the treatment program and left a voicemail saying that the reason he has missed his last two sessions is because he's drinking again. I also left him my cell phone number if he wants to call me back.
I know I should just Let Go and Let God, but it makes me so angry that he's screwing up right now. A lot of people who care about him spent a lot of time and money to make sure he gets better. His brother took 3 days off from work to be here. His sister took time off from work and bought a plane ticket to fly here. Six of his closest friends all took time off from work and paid to fly here to convince him to get help and then he ended up agreeing to go into detox. And this is how he thanks them?????? Not to mention all the crap I have to deal with these days now that he's drinking again.
I can't help it, I'm just so mad. Did calling his counselor make me feel better? Maybe?
You can get as mad as you want at a disease especially alcoholism and you still get a sick person. Alcoholism....cunning, powerful and baffling. Go find a meeting for yourself. The counselor already knew.
Knowing what you should do and doing it are two different things. It is a serious challenge to apply the simplicity of this program -- I know, I was around al-anon & had tools for over twenty years b4 I stopped resisting, actually surrendered & did what they said.
I know, you are angry and your feelings are justified but what are you going to do with the feeling? You can stay angry at a sick, compulsive person who is only doing what he does best. Essentially, it is pointless. Changing isnt easy for any of us. It certainly isnt easy for them. As I discovered, anytime I interfered in their recovery process (or lack thereof) I was buffering them from facing their inner realities -- if I do something that angers the A -- they get to focus it all on me. They are no longer alone with their disease b/c I am taking awareness off & it is being now directed at me. See, they are itching to get the attention off of them & onto you, like they blame everyone & everything else for their problem. When we step up & meddle, they immediately attach & attack us.
It is so hard to say nothing. If you were dealing with a heavy drinker or an abuser but not an A -- this direct apporach would work. Most people if you say, 'hey you're partying too much, dont u think it's time to give it a rest to dry out' -- most people DO that but the majority of ppl dont have the disease of addiction. You are dealing with an addict, so the "normal" tactics won't work.
You will be sick & insane when you focus on your A. We aren't A's, we don't know how it is for them. Only they can do it for themselves. It is wonderful that your AH has so many people that love & care about him to make such an effort but honestly, interventions dont always work b/c it is as if they are being cornered, so often they give in to it. That doesnt mean it was a total waste. I am sure he learned something being there. But he has to suffer the consequences of his own disease long enough that it is uncomfortable & he decides he wants to change. I've also noticed, it seems like A's will push it to the limit -- say you're fed up & ready to make a change & this time you're really going to do it. It comes as a complete shock to the A b/c in the past, we often make empty threats b/c we dont follow through. For that reason, our threats dont mean much to them. That's why setting boundaires & following though is so powerful, we can make changes ourselves & they will see that we mean business & we begin to change thus halting some codependent/enabling behavior. Once we change, it will effect them.
Don't beat yourself up over calling the counselor but Jerry is right, the counselor knew. They know how A's operate & when they are contrite & honest & working program it is a world different then the regular old ways in which they operate. Once you can recognize it, clearly, it is very obvious. Don't fixate or obsess on his program or lack thereof -- or what he is or is not doing.
Focus on what you can do for you and I assure you, you will begin to change your life. We CAN change us, not them. You deserve your own good love & attention. My life changed radically once I got focused on me & self-love.
This is a simple program for complicated & hurt people. It isn't easy but it is simple. Just try it and see if it works, what do you have to lose? You can always go back to your old way of operating, loads of pain there, just waiting or you can change your attitude, your focus and your perspective and have a life you can be happy with.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I have come to believe in this program that motivation matters. If you called because you needed to have it said openly and honestly - to me, that is completely consistent with working your own program. But if you called so somebody - SOMEbody! - would MAKE him GET WITH THE PROGRAM finally - that's falling back into control, and that messes with your own program.
Having already done it, fine - now let go of the results. Regardless of why you made the call in the first place, if you now make it not your business to ensure the results of the call - that's still practicing detachment, and working on yourself.
Expect nothing and do what you're going to do for yourself and your kids without expecting anything from the A. That's the only way to create your own stability and peace. Alcoholics are unreliable and dropping your life to "help" them is a thankless job. He's going to do what he's going to do regardless of what everyone else does (ie flying out, missing work, fretting over what he's going to do, telling on him, etc.) I finally realized I either had to accept living with someone who was unreliable and frequently mean or be a single mom with 3 kids. Neither is the fairy tale I would have liked but I am happy with my choice and it has showed me the strength that I have within myself and that I deserve the best. Hopefully it has showed my kids something too although you never really know what that is. Everyone sees situations differently no matter how you intend for them to be taken.
I can totally identify with what you've written. I get so mad sometimes I send myself into an anxiety attach, and can't breath. All I've done is made myself sick - my H doesn't even see it. One thing I've learned being married to an addict for the past 14 years, is addicts are completely selfish. They don't even consider what others are going through, have sacrificed, or wish for... all they do is focus on them. The best way to cope is turn your focus onto YOU! If he chooses his own path, there is nothing you can do to stop him, all you can do is control you. Good luck and God Bless - it's so hard. Especially if your like me and "remember when things were better, and he wasn't using". Take One Day at a Time for yourself, it's all you can do.
