The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new here and new to the idea that my husband may be a functioning alcoholic. Mainly, I am trying to figure out if he is or not. Would you mind giving me your opinions?
Here's my story in a nutshell:
My dh is an officer in the air force. We have been married for 10 years, and we have 2 small children. He has always enjoyed drinking socially, as have I. But, it seems that since we've had children, the only one of us who has actively grown up is me. He doesn't go out and get crazy with his friends when he's at home, but he does have a job that allows him to travel a lot, where he usually goes out and drinks with the other guys he's traveling with. When he is home, he always has at least 1-2 drinks per night (scotch), sometimes more. He has never been abusive in any way toward the children or me.
The past 2 years his job has required him to travel about 75% of the time (this year he is gone for his entire year-long assignment overseas), leaving me to begin wondering why he continues to choose (he does have some level of choice on these assignments) to travel away from home so often when he has these beautiful children at home. Our relationship has suffered immensely over the past 5 years. Over this time period, he has become increasingly detached from me, and he has never really been a great 'hands-on' dad. We have talk after talk about why he seems so vacant and emotionally detached from us, but we get nowhere. We attempted a counseling session last fall which ended because he could never get his work (travel) schedule to coincide with the counselor's schedule. I gave up because I felt like it was all my effort in the end. Now he is overseas for the year and I am trying to use this time to find myself and figure out what the hell is going on with my marriage. Then, last week, he told me he was caught smuggling alcohol into his host country (a BIG NO NO where he is - BIG) and that he has to rid his house of alcohol and is no longer allowed alcohol for the duration of his assignment (it was taken away from everyone who is stationed there). This has led me to writing this post. I cannot, for the life of me, understand why he would jeopardize his military career and have no regard for his family, struggling at home to 'survive' day-to-day life as it is. Now I have this to add to my plate of worries.
Am I justified in believing that I may be married to an alcoholic? My mother believes that he is a funct. alcoholic, as she was married to one (my father) until I was age 4.
My entire life right now is wrapped up in worrying about our relationship, the impact on the kids, surviving an entire day as a single mom (for the next year), and my exhaustion is being added to by his irresponsibility. I am really at a loss.
Hi Janne, I bet that was a shock! Hey many GI's smuggle all kinds of drugs in "all" kinds of places into the USA. Times have changed now so it is not so easy.
As far as is he or is he not, we don't know. However this behavior shows a total lack of responsibility,not making wise choices, criminal and worse behavior.
IF one is an addict they will do ANYTHING to get there drugs.
As far as functioning, what this means is the disease has not progressed yet to the point of losing jobs, getting dui's, lieing even when it is so clear to him and us he is lieing, and more.
The disease gets worse, there is no cure. People are predispositioned to be an addict. Some have more chances in their dna than others. From studies so far it it hereditary.
As far as none in your home, it is probably already there.
The thing is their addiction is their own problem. We can do nothing for them.
What we can do is set up our life so the disease does not take everything away from us.
For example set up your own money account. Do not sign any loan or anything with him, your name only on homes and vehicles etc. Some people get a legal separation, even though they still live with their A so they are not responsible for their actions. This may be different state to state.
The BEST thing you can do is find an Alanon group near you and go. They will welcome you with open arms. I am willing to bet where you are stationed has a meeting or more than one.
That way would be even better as the other military persons and you would have even more in common.
Also a book we like to recommend is,"Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rick Drew. I can tell you it helped me and still does.
You made such an important step coming here. This along with face to face meetings will show you things that will make your life so much better.
Keep coming back and heres a HUGE hug, my first and second husbands were in the USAF. Based in Sacramento, McClellan base. I don't think it is there anymore.
Anyhow hope we see you again and often, even if you just need to vent!
My husband was a functioning alcoholic for 25 yrs. He never did get DUI's etc. He upheld his job as a cost analysis engineer while drinking in the parking lot at work.
Alanon is for you if you are being affected by alcohol and it seems you are. The label you put on your husband makes no difference in that respect. If you can get to a local meeting you'll get the tools you need to deal with what is happening.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I agree with Debilyn and Christy...ALANON ALANON 12 steps 12 steps....i can't repeat it enough and all the books on taking care of you......meetings and it would be great to get a sponsor......if you can't find sposor, there are meets here each night and the boards to get esh on.....
please keep working on YOU..taking care of YOU...i am glad you came....you did the hardest part....accepting that you need program.....great courage.....rosie
My own experience is that "functional" alcoholic is a illusion. There is not such person. If they can take care of only the most visual part of their lives and are having problems in the others they are not functional and however I know what others are talking about. If he has focused on LLalcohol so much that he has been willing to break international law and take the risk of getting caught at it...chances are he's got a problem with alcohol. The compulsion to have it is soooo large that he is willing to put everything at risk. That his wife should describe a daily use of alcohol is a pointer that there is a problem. In the Al-Anon Family Groups the only qualification is that we have a problem with someone else's drinking. You seem to have that problem...you are qualified for the program.
Alcoholism is partially described as a compulsion of the mind and an allergy of the body. Often times the whole family has the allergy to the drinker's drinking. Without waiting for him to decide or go take an assessment or any other negative outcome from his drinking to erupt. Go look for the hotline number to the Al-Anon program in the white pages of your telephone book and get the meeting places and times where you can attend. While there get and read as much Confrenced Approved Literature (CAL) as you can. Much of it is free or cheap. Commit to an attendance over a period of time (I went to a meeting daily for 3 months) before you decide that the program is for you and is helping. Sit down and listen with an open mind and learn the steps, traditions and slogans of the program. See how it works for you.
Coming here is like walking thru the front door of a very different family in the neighborhood isn't it? Many of the lives of the people who come here to help others have been saved and made whole by Al-Anon.
Keep coming back for yourself. He is way beyond anyones' control at this time.
Thank you, everyone! I do feel like I've taken a very important first step by posting here. What I described in my original post is more just my recent memory of things that have occurred. There are lots more situations, such as how his mood changes for the better once the kids are in bed in the evening and he starts pouring the scotch. It's like he's been in agony all day having to bide his time with the kids before he can really have fun. It's so annoying. I never actually pin-pointed alcohol as the problem before recently. I just thought he didn't like our kids. Anyway, thank you so much for letting me know I am on the right path. And, Jerry, thank you very much for explaining to me so simply this:
"In the Al-Anon Family Groups the only qualification is that we have a problem with someone else's drinking. You seem to have that problem...you are qualified for the program."
That summed up exactly what I needed to know! I will seek out an Al-Anon meeting and take everyone's advice about giving myself enough time with it to learn from the meetings.
