The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband is the greatest Narcissist you would ever meet, complete with a gold medal in the blame game. I have spent most of the last decade trying to figure out if I was the object of his self hate or the dumping ground of his blame. His most recent 3 week binge landed him in rehab. He had spent $3800 on alcohol, dinners (for 2) and flowers (not for me) in less than 10 days. Of course, the reason was he was not happy with me, if I was a better wife, etc... Early on in rehab he decided I was detrimental to his recovery, coincidentally, after he was caught lying to his counsellor who heard the truth from me. So he cut me out of the "talk to" list. Now in AA, he has told me that the program has told him he should cut out "negative influences" on his recovery....like our son and I! I am very supportive of his recovery and glad he is in the program but I think he is just faking it because he is pretty high up in the step process, but I have not received any admission of the wrongdoings, he is not dealing with financial responsibilities, and has taken the "I gave myself to God" thing to mean "I am not responsible for anything anymore." Well, Honey, you never were! His sponsor actually told him that he wasn't any good to his family when he was drinking and he isn't now and that his new FAMILY was AA. He also said that sometimes wives hate the program because they are jealous that it gets people to stop drinking when all they did failed. Not the case, I knew better than to try to get him to stop drinking, because nobody ever does until THEY are ready.
So here is my question, How can you go through a program that is supposed to fill you with honesty and make ammends, if you never revisit the past and never own up to your responsibilities? It's easy to deny the past if you never mention it again. Meanwhile, he has told me I will have to "find a way" to pay his bills from his escapade! Oy Vay!
Tough question, and one I struggled with my exAW with..... My sponsor got me away from worrying about things, telling me I was still trying to control her, and was focussing my attention on HER recovery, and not mine.... it took me a long time, to finally accept that he was telling me the truth.... It's really hard, but whether or not he is being fully honest with his program is HIS issue to deal with, not yours....
He will either drink (or be a narcissist, or braggart, or whatever) or he won't... .what are YOU gonna do?
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Your husb is in what I lovingly call the STARK RAVING SOBER STAGE . and it ain't pretty , mind racing , not willing YET to accept responsibliliy for his behavior - they change thier minds 50 times a day . truly a insane time for him . His recovery is his problem and until he gets honest nothing will change accept he isn't drinking ,alcohol is but a symptom of this disease , alcoholism comes with an attitude and it has to change , he is the only one that can do this . I hope u are attending Al-Anon meetings for yourself , with or with out him you too need to recover from the affects of someones drinking , you will find the support you need from people who have been where your at and will help u thru this stressful time in your life .Keep the focus on your needs , lower your expectatons and your gonna be just fine . Sobriety is not the answer to all of lifes problems as your finding out , but it helps . Louise
I think I might not have found the right alanon meeting section...mine is like listening to a soap opera where nobody has gotten out of the stuck mode, and nobody else challenges them to....I will search harder.
Sounds like a lot to have going on right now, but YES Keep Searching for that F2F meeting that is right for you... My Group has a list of them they hand out, or put on our board of all Local Al-anon meetings in our area... I was lucky enough to have a great one right out of the gate...
Keep coming back, posting, sharing, and posting for others, you will find that alot of us here have been there done that... Anger the whole deal.. But Focusing on YOU Alone will release ALOT of that... Let Go & Let God for you have enough to do :) One Day At A Time :)
Your AH isn't fooling anyone in the program that has done the steps. They all can see the writing on the wall but it doesnt do us any good to focus on what they are or are not doing. Focus on you and what you can do for yourself today & to stop enabling your AH. As far as his "escapade" I wouldn't try to help him, it will allow him to not deal with the conseuqnces of his actions. Facing their consequnces makes it uncomfortable for them & forces them to deal with their situation. If you're rescuing him, it wont help him or you.
Best thing you can do to suppport an A in recovery, is to get a program of your own, work on your own issues & let him deal with his issues, feelings, program (or lack there of) and consequences.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I recently read a book called, Love Addiction and the similarities between narcissim and addicts/alcoholics are staggering. Of course he could change if he wanted to but many never seek help. It is a progressive family disease, so it continues to plateau and get worse.
My step dad did a similar thing, once he found out addiction/alcoholism is a disease, he wears it like a badge & hides in his "I'm sick" & helpless routine and embraces the drunk now, like a warm blanket. I doubt he'll make it passed another five years at this point. He's a very young man of 48, already with congestive heart failure (from the alcohol) -- & he's been drinking (pounding) the booze since he was 15 or so, we're talking 33 yrs of hardcore drinking.
Since your AH isn't livng there right now, it's a perfect opportunity for you to face your issues or unresolved feelings & work to change what you can ~ yourself. Getting to meeting, studying the pamphlets all help. Listen, learn & share what your comfortable with... that's how we recover and begin to make better choices in our lives. Focus on you in today & do what you can for yourself. For me self-love & self care have been my focus the last year or so & I'm getting better at it.
It's a process & the new information can take a while to absorb b4 you're willing to practise it but it is so worth it! I've learned coping skills for life & today I can take care of me w/out getting into another's head or taking their inventory. Their character defects are their problem & none of my business. Today I choose to focus on the positive & gratitude and it keeps getting better.
We're all here for you and know that you are worth your own good love & support. You are worth it!
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I hope you can soon find a meeting that offers support through this trying time. Your husband seems to be twisting what people are saying to him to fit his current needs. AA may be his new family but you can bet he wasn't told to leave his other family in the dust. When you get your own program going on you have some tools to use that can help you know what to do and how to handle what he says to you.
p.s. I would forward his credit card bill to where he is staying and make some boundaries of your own.
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thanks everyone for your responses, it's good to know I am not alone. I live in a small town and have found the two existing alanon meetings to be dumping grounds, soap operas, and places where people go, tell their problems and get thanked for sharing....that's it. I didn't find it half as helpful as reading through this forum. Thanks for being there.
I was just searching online for the book, as mine is in one of nineteen boxes marked books -- ugh -- I'm sorry, now I'm not sure if that was the title. I'll have to keep digging.
Pia Mellody is very good so are some by Melody Beattie.
When I was eighteen y/o and listened to John Bradshaw talk about the dysfunctional family & enmeshment is what really started me on the quest to understand more about my own family ~ he is excellent.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
