"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

shellyj123 · ~*Service Worker*~

Wanting sooo bad to move forward and feeling so completely stuck~In need of some ESH~

blender_girl · Senior Member

(((shelly)))

"Let Go and Let God" and "Easy Does It" come to my mind here.

It sounds to me like you're going through the grief process. Go ahead and have yourself a nice tantrum - you deserve it! Then when you're done, write down those resentments and put them in your HP box. Writing a gratitude list might help too - it's awful hard to feel resentful and grateful at the same time, LOL!

Hang in there, sweetie - you're doing fine.

love ya,

bg

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

I was an extremely angry teen & young adult... I had a lot of unresolved issues that I had to dig up, go back into, feel, deal b4 I could let them go.

One thing that helped me was in basic psychology & learning that anger always comes after pain of some sort. So I would identify that pain that was under the anger, to deal with it directly. To embrace my pain, feel it, and that meant a lot of crying & feeling it completely, then & only then could I get to a place where I could begin to let it go w/ forgiveness. I did have to feel it thoroughly first but then I could say, 'god, I willingly & freely release these negative emotions to you' or will ask in prayer for help with forgiveness & that generally works, sometimes having to do it again.

Right now I am realisng there are still things I've not let go of yet w/ my mother & my step-father. I dont want to be unforgiving but maybe I need to be mad at them over this stuff (in particular) a little longer. I was talking about (in chat, a few weeks ago) how over every move, step-dad was tossing out more & more of my art work that my mother had been saving all of my life. It hurt me & her. I guess I'm still angry that she allowed it to happen b/c she wasnt that aware -- so I guess I'm still harboring resentments but I will need to face that she was powerless too & did the best she could.

I still haven't forgiven step-dad for cheatting on my mother for most of their marriage. Even though it's not my business, they were an example to me & I cant seem to let go of the betrayl. Perhaps I need this war wound for now. Two years ago, drunk, he killed one of the dogs - accidentally but still, this is hard for me to release even though it did make an impression on him - b/c he changed afterwards.
I dont think forgiveness is that easy. It really takes work. Believe me, I have wanted to move on b/c I dont want to be attached to him anymore in anger ~ I guess I have a lot more pain to delve into. I know he is a victim too, logically but he's a victim of himself. I dont know but it's difficult to resolve still.

You cant rush healing or the process itself. Deal with what you can today. I believe in time, when I'm ready I'll eventually forgive them more. Maybe I'll ask god/hp to give me a clue about why I cant let it go or maybe, it's just going to happen in god's time & not mine.

I do know this, when I genuinely pray & ask god for guidance, I usually get a swift answer. Doesn't necessarily make it easy though.

Jozie · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((SHELLY)))))

Anger... WOW do I know that one :) You of all people know that when Dad past, I was more angry at him then I could stand... because I could Not Get in his Face any more and tell him what was on my mind.. And I am pretty sure my "loving SIL" once told me... "This too Will Pass.. Accept it for what it is.. and then Let Go & Let God!" Now I thought that was really GREAT Advise so I thought I would maybe TOSS IT BACK!!! :)

You got this Girl.. I know that you are better then an Angry Person, You know that you have things in your life to be Extremely Happy for, and this bump in your road wont hold ya down long.. Sometimes if I quit reminding myself of the Pain I felt tords Dad, and turn that into the "Good times we had & the Love", it is easier for me to release it... For the good times over ride the bad "Currantly", when you take your focus off them...

Give it a try ;) It Works if You Work it I heard :)

Love & Hugs

Jozie...

rosielightshines · ~*Service Worker*~

shellyj123 wrote:

For the most part I am doing well, much better than I have been in a long time, and for that I am grateful, but there is still one very big area that I am struggling with, and I feel that it is preventing me from moving on in my program/life, and that is.... Anger and forgiveness.

####### that is all that matters...you know you are doing well....i hear ya on the anger and forgiveness.....ok......ANGER....emotion that maybe signals need for boundary, or part of the grieving process.....anger needs to be allowed to be FELT so we can move on............FORGIVENESS....ok what is forgiveness???? to me???? it is "giving his/her justice over to God and my letting GO".......so yea, its doable.....it takes as long as it needs to......the grief process has to be worked through b4 forgiveness can "kick in"......

I am still very angry with EXABF for WHAT he did and HOW he did it, and even if I can forgive him for that, I can't forget it, and when I think about it-which is less often than eary on, I get angry all over again. Alot of the reading I have been doing tells me that anger and resentments keep us from moving forward and I FEEL it, I've never wanted to move forward sooo bad and felt so incapable and stuck all at the same time, and I HATE it. I also read this am that Anger can be a blessing as it can mean that I am accepting what is and that letting go is near, but it's been almost 6 mths since the first break up and two months since he crushed me the second time, how long can it possibly take????? I've even considered that HP wants me to stay right where I am, doing what I am doing until I learn whatever it is He is trying to teach me.

######## to me??? i FEEL and TALK and SHARE.....till i don't have to any more about it......sounds to me that you are just going through the stages of grieving process........EASY DOES IT......ONE DAY AT A TIME......KEEP IT SIMPLE come to mind....

I am just really confused about it and feel "stuck" right where I am...not going backward, but really not moving forward either. And I find it is REALLY frustrating because I feel like EXABF is costing me/taking even more of my time and happiness and I am letting it go on because I do NOT know HOW to get past it and let it go. I just want my life back-NOW!

######### yea, i can relate to not "feeling" like i am ot going forward, but backward.......remember 2 steps fore....1 step back....that is where i hit yesterday with my long post on "tough question"...but ya know????? i DID move forward....i LEARNED a lot of good stuff......I came to the *DECISION* to LET GO the hate/resentment....THAT is PROGRESS>......I see yo progressing just in your acceptance of your feelings here

So I am wondering if anyone here can offer any ESH? Any insight to how you've let go and moved past the anger and forgave? A quote? A slogan? Anything that I might be able to set into my mind and when I "go there" I can pull it out and it will eventually help me to move past it. Any and all ESH appreciated.

thanks for letting me share
shelly

#######it just tkes TIME to come to the place where i can LET GO....MOVE PAST it......and as to the forgiveness...its simple but hard......websters dictionary said something like "forgiveness is giving over ones debt to me".....i take that as "give the justice over to God and anyone he delegates justice to" (like if i could have sued my abuser, the courts would have been God's delegates) well i was too sick to sue him so i had to "hand the justice over to God"......that is all forgiveness is.....AND part of forgiveness is LETTING GO the hate and resentment.....i just keep surrendering it....surrender it .....surrender it till it does not come in my face any more......GOd loves it when we are WILLING to give up the hate/resentment......and its OK if we "fall back".....i just start over......and work steps 1,2,3.....i am powerless to give me back what was taken/done/harmed.........God is not powerless........so why not just KEEP turning it over till it STAYS turned over...........it takes as much time as it needs to take..........to me???? the deeper the pain....the deeper the recovery.........hope this helped.....rosie

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Shelly , well your not gonna like this anymore than i did when someone posed the question to me . What are u getting out of this ? somehow good or bad it is feeding a need to blame and be a victim . Part of our insanity is doing the same thing over and over again , expecting that this time It will work out diff . and it never does . If you want change u have to become willing to create it . your the only one that can do that for you.
I was also told that once settled in Al-Anon there are no victims were volunteers . Yuck .
This man does not define WHO you are , you do , take back control of your life .
this little one line stayed with me for yrs .
Take the ME out of the word BLAME and all u have is bla bla bla . I didn't like that one much either . Hang in there it will get better. Louise

-- Edited by abbyal on Thursday 7th of May 2009 11:44:27 AM

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

For me, I had to personalize it, and accept that the act of forgiveness was for ME, and my sanity.... My competitiveness/ego wouldn't allow me to forgive HER, as she had done me so wrong.... It wasn't until I fully accepted that this was the only way for ME to feel better, that it started to happen.... (turning it around a bit, I was able to channel that competitiveness to accept that by forgiving, I wouldn't let HER win, lol).

The other thing that helped me, is to concentrate on the "whats" and less on the "whys".... focussing on the "whys" is emotionally and physically exhausting, and typically doesn't provide you with any sense of relief..... The simplest question to ask yourself sometimes, is: "If I knew the answer to (whatever I am worrying about), would it REALLY change anything?"

Take care
T

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Shelley

I agree with all that has been said in response to your inquiry.
Two additional thoughts that I found true for me was:

I found anger the easiest emotion to deal with. I could rant and act out and rage. That was easy. I converted all my sadness, grief, and fear into anger because I had not a clue how to handle those other scary feelings.

MY sponser asked me to look under the anger and discover my motives for my feelings and to own my part in the situation.
Once I had done that and found the Fear (I had made a mistake) the sadness (I loved this person) I was able then able to own the feelings as mine. That empowered me to work thru them slowly one day at a time.
During the process I also discovered that much of my anger was at MYSELF and not the other person. That was very enlightenng. I could let go of that anger and forgive myself for being human. The ammends I made to me was: go to meetings, refuse to beat myself up, make gratitude lists and most important validate myself.

I do not know if this helped but take waht you like and leave the ret. AlAnon is a SLOW process so be gentle with yourself.

Praying for you peace.
I

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm with Abby..

Be the change you want to see.

All the fretting, analyzing, anger will culminate nothing but more of the same. Sure, there is a time for everything but when you want to move forward you have to change something instead of letting the same emotions swirl around and be a constant.

What ever energy we put out returns to us. If someone is constantly angry, more anger comes. If they are living in victim mode, that comes back too. We make our worlds with our own decisions. Change your thoughts, change your world. The biggest mistake people make is thinking that life happens to them. We have a gazillion choices in how we want to respond to those happenings. As an adult it's all a matter of choice.

Christy

-- Edited by Christy on Thursday 7th of May 2009 07:01:27 PM

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"