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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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Last summer when things were getting increasingly difficult w/my teen son, my exAH started coming around more to help me with him. The more time we spent together, the more I realized I missed him. The good times with him. His laugh, his touch, his presence in general. I blame part of this on being alone for 18 months and missing male companionship. But anyway, we started dating again last Oct.
In the last 6 months, things have been up and down w/him. I think when we got back together, he AND his whole family thought I was going to ask him to move in with me. But I didn't and I have no intention of doing so. I enjoy my space, my house. And there are too many things about him that would drive my crazy on a daily basis. First of all, he is not working any program. He still tends to binge drink although as far as I know, he is not doing drugs any more. He still suffers from depression and refuses to get help for it. So when he is up, he is doing great. But when he is down, boy is he difficult to be around.
He hates the fact that he cannot afford to live on his own. And I think he is resentful of me b/c I am living on my own and supporting me and the kids. Part of the reason I am able to do that is b/c of the court ordered child support. I struggled for 18 months w/out that support, living off of credit cards just to get by. Now I have my mortgage, car payment and an obnoxious amount of credit card debt that I am slowly working towards cleaning up. Some how I have managed to hold on to my good credit throughout the whole separation/divorce ordeal. His is shot and he filed bankruptcy.
So anyway, his ups and his downs are very difficult to deal with. When he is doing great, he comes around, is wonderful, helps with the kids. But when he is down, I barely hear from him and I never see him. It seems the downs are more frequent and lasting longer these days than the ups. I could really use his help and support at this time b/c of the legal trouble our son has gotten into. But he isn't here for us. Our son had court yesterday and my exAH was a no show. He didn't bother calling me before hand or after. He finally called last night but asked to speak to our daughter almost immediately. I asked him if he'd like to know how court went and his response was "yea sure". He didn't have much to say when I let him know how it went.
I am wondering if he is thinking of ending our relationship. Maybe he went back to one of his ex girlfriends from the period we were apart. Maybe he found a new girlfriend. I don't know. If I am honest with myself, I really don't care. When I got back together with him, I knew that it wouldn't really upset me if/when things ended. And I feel the end is near and that doesn't bother me. Maybe I ought to be the one to end it. I would prefer he do it though. That way it wouldn't be me ending it the 1st time, asking to get back together and then ending it again. Maybe I am sabotaging the relationship b/c I realize it really doesn't make me happy and I want HIM to call it quits. Sometimes I think about how incredibly selfish he can be...but then I know I too am being selfish. I feel I deserve to be for once b/c of all I sacrificed over the years in dealing w/him. And quite honestly, I have enough on my plate working and taking care of our 2 kids. The last thing I need or want is to have to take care of him too.
Oh well, thanks for listening. Sorry this was so long. QOD
Alcoholics tend to be very resentful remember. I no longer even give it a moments thought. I do make an effort around an alcoholic not to ask them for any kind of support whatsoever. I really think I am beginning to see them beneath the "snow".
Alcoholics tend to be very resentful remember. I no longer even give it a moments thought. I do make an effort around an alcoholic not to ask them for any kind of support whatsoever. I really think I am beginning to see them beneath the "snow".
Maresie.
I so agree with this....like my "a" brother....i love him to pieces...i just have NO expectations of him.....when he says he's gonna do/give me something i wait till its in my hand b4 i believe it.......its like i know his disease...we have been best pals through out childhood....he took a diferent path with booze....i did drink for a while, but i wanted recovery........and yea, forget asking them for support.....sometimes when he his in a "good hair day" he can be supportive, but most of the time??? i just use the DETACHMENT excercise.....even tho i hate the disease, i love the "him" that was b4 all that started (drinking).......
Sorry you are struggling with your son at this time, I am sure that is a hard thing to handle as a mom... Mine is quite young yet, but I know I will have my own challenges with him... I can say this... That You and your kids should be on your happiness list.
My thing is this... If you are unhappy, most of the time, and your laughs are small or non existant, and your pleasures are small, why settle :) Why not make you happy... Why not put you back on the to do list, and let EXAH have what ever mood he likes...
I dont feel ANYONE Shoud sit and WAIT to move on with their life, for you only have ONE LIFE TO LIVE...I can't say that my life is always chip'r.. But I do have MORE Good then bad, and for me that is enough.. I love my husband dearly, and Lord knows that he has tested my love on more then one occassion, I don't consider my husband an "A" for his drinking is usually on a binge, about once a year, but his moodiness is sometimes like living with a dry drunk, and I know alot of that has to do with his age...But thanks to al-anon, I have learned to Let Go & Let God :) And it Works for all moods :)
In this world, you have to do what you are happy with, you only get one go round... And waiting on HIM to break up with you, sounds about as fun as watching paint dry :O) Do what makes you and your children happy, safe, and content... From there let your HP lead you :) Worked for me :) And still is working :)
Take what you like and leave the rest :) One Day at A Time :) Love & Prayers Jozie
Seems to me like you come a long way, y ou have worked extremely hard in getting your life where it is.
I am sure he does resent the fact that you are where you are and he is still back there but, isn't that his choice.
I am very proud of you, keep moving forward. Be happy dear friend this you do deserve.
I hope things go well for you son.
Andrea
i agree with this.....i get "slammed" and still gettin slammed by my toxic siblings because i am recovering and they are stuck in their old family of origin toxic CRAP!!!! they resent me because ups and downs, yea, but i am getting FREE!!!!!! keep coming back....rosie
Myself I would be afriad to have a physical relationship with him if he messes around.
Anyway you sound really good. hugs,debilyn
ooooh you are soooo right on......the sex diseases are now fatal.....yea, AMEN Debilyn....Please be careful about the sex....my take???? i would NOT even touch him because i am so serious about sexually transmitted diseases....heard tooo many horror stories....
my youngest A brother (got 2 of them.....the older is my buddy) but the youngest got herpes in his eyes, messing with chicks in bars....and i think , i heard he gave it to this sweet gal who really loves him and wants to help him.........THAT is fact!!!! they get drunk, they don't think "omg, i need to protect my g.f.....OR, BETTER YET.....i don't want to cheat and injure my g.f."...
For me it would be a question of self respect and worth here.
"Messing around..." with others devalues me...it makes me see...hmmm, no one else available so I will go back to her...NO THANK YOU...I AM WORTH MORE THAN THAT.
Where's the honour and respect in a person with that sort of mentality that seems to say that it is okay if I come and go and drift and be irresponsible and do what I like.
THAT is the sadness in the world. SO many think it okay to just DO WHAT THEY LIKE AS LONG AS THEY ARE SATISFIED AND GET WHAT THEY WANT...so what about honour, respect, worth, value.
No no no, I would have to really think about what their actions say about their honour and respect for me...and I feel it is not worth having a relationship build on quicksand...I prefer to build my house on the solid ROCK of respect and honour and sharing and caring.
Just my two bits worth.
Take care. You are worth more than you are getting. And better to have loved and lost than to continue a relationship that is so toxic as to reduce your respect and worth in the eyes of a wandering lustful self satisfying irresponsible lover.
Just my opinion tho so take what you want and leave the rest. Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
You already know the answer to this. It's in your post. All you have to do is look for it. I've known you a long time on this board. You're a strong, compitent, and loving person. You'll make the decision that is in the best interest of you and your family. You always have. Answers come when are truly ready to receive them. It's right there waiting for you. Sorry if this sounds so cryptic, it's not meant to be. You'll figure it out. I have great faith in you. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
As long as you have someone to fill that space of "other" be it boyfriend, husband, etc. then the door is closed to others that you might actually be interested in. No point in continuing to do something that didn't work before, isn't working now and is closing off the possibility of something that might actually work.
Just look how things turned out for me! I know that'll happen for you at some point too but you have to be available and open to the opportunity when it comes around.
