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Messages are coming from a new angle now...and the problem is I dont get chance to build or re-group, before he does something to upset me again. Just any contact gets to me. My sis wasnt sure what to do with this, poor thing, they always drag everyone into it.
I just heard Lilly has not been well. I know she thinks it best we don't have any communication but i haven't stopped caring about her. Will you please let me know how she is. You shouldn't tell her i contacted you. I hope your both well. Ex AH
Yes thats the latest in line of communications, first non speaking messages, nasty messages, emails to me, now emails to my sister and asking her not to tell me!!! Crikey, he must be feeling desperately guilty, if only he understood that his behaviour from my perspective, his family's perspective, his children's perspective has been anything but caring. Totally self absorbed, self-centred,moved to a different continent for goodness sake...told me over the phone our marriage was over then didnt contact me ONCE for 5 weeks!!! I cant believe he thinks my sister who he knows Im very close to, wouldnt tell me. She hasnt responded... Surely a normal person would ask that my sister convey to me how concerned they are rather than telling them not to let me know. Any thoughts, wisdom from anyone....Why do they do this insane wierd stuff.
I dealt with this for a long time. I was resolute about not replying. I know that is hard. The longer I held off the more he dropped off contacting me.
I don't expect it to go for ever. Toby Rice Drew says alcoholics are hard to get rid of. And I was the one with the abandonment issues.
((((Lily)))) Your post brings back sooo many memories and so much pain for me. Why they do it I wish I could tell you. I too, was at a similiar point and felt almost as if I would go insane from the rollercoaster ride of "go away-no, wait a minute". I had to come to terms with the fact that there are questions I will never have the answers to when it comes to EXABF, and EVEN if I could ask him I wouldn't believe his answers, so why put myself through the ringer anymore over it. He is what he is, does what he does, and I HIGHLY doubt that even the A's understand WHY they do what they do.
Just take care of you, tell your family that you want no contact with him and to please not relay any more messages because it is to much for you right now. I'm sure they will understand. Try to take this entire situation one day at a time, one hour at a time if you have to. I promise you it WILL get better, and it WILL get easier.
Your friend in recovery shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
I dealt with this for a long time. I was resolute about not replying. I know that is hard. The longer I held off the more he dropped off contacting me.
I don't expect it to go for ever. Toby Rice Drew says alcoholics are hard to get rid of. And I was the one with the abandonment issues.
Maresie.
OH AMEN to the above.....i have a very "dry drunk" sister...a real toxin.....i just don't reply when she is being toxic....i keep her at arms length and have to hassle with her less and less...its like she knows in a subtle way that when she crashes my boundaries, i am gonna "split"...."gotta go" or if it is real bad?? email or vm....i just do NOT reply.......i love this "a's are hard to get rid of and i was the one with the abandonment issues".......that is soooo true.......
keep hanging with us here, we are listening ok???? peace , rosie
Just a guess, but it sometimes almost becomes "sport" to active A's.... so perhaps the answer to your question of "when will he stop" is "when you stop reacting".... as long as he can get under your skin, and a reaction, the game is on.....
Just my two cents...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thank you as always for your posts, it helps to be able to vent here.
Canadianguy, that's the thing, Ive not reacted to anything, not taken one phone call, never rung, never emailed, never responded to his emails. My sister didnt respond to this last one, although sorely tempted believe me! So I dont know what the sport is....I think he just wants someone to tell him that its ok what hes done, hes a good guy, so caring. If he looked the word up he would realise it just doesnt apply to him, actions speak louder than words.
So true Lilly, but in my experience, she didn't stop playing these games until LONG after I stopped reacting - likely with the thought of how I "must be" reacting, lol.... It's an insane thing, for sure, but like my sponsor used to remind me.... "why do we always think that our insane and irrational A's will behave in sane and rational ways?"
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
the longer you hold out the better. When I fall into wondering about them I'm lost. Remember they are sick! I used to allow the ex A to totally manipulate me. I feel its a form of bullying actually.
Well good for you for LETTING GO... I am sure it is tough to avoid the constant, but look how far you have come... Move on with your life, and allow him to do as he pleases... Good thing about them emails is that you can just hit DELETE... As can your sister, without even Opening it up... ;) Got to love that DELETE Botton...
As for the NOW of it, I would hit a meeting, let it go, and Let your HP have it, and see about starting your day over from this moment... With out emails ;)
Yes well done for being strong and letting go, its not easy, try and clear a space in your head for you right now, and just explain that you're not ready for this kind of info right now, it is your choice. I don't know why a's do what they do, they just get stuck I think like records and cannot stop just like we can't sometimes, you are in my thoughts and I wish you well in your healing.
Hang tough, ((lilly)) and let it go. He's gonna do what he's gonna do no matter how you choose to react. Write this down, put it in your HP box and let it go. It's amazing how well that works!
Just a guess, but it sometimes almost becomes "sport" to active A's.... so perhaps the answer to your question of "when will he stop" is "when you stop reacting".... as long as he can get under your skin, and a reaction, the game is on.....
Just my two cents...
Tom
oh this is so true!!! when my toxic "dry" sister would "jerk me around" she was worse......cut off the reaction??? she disapates...its like as long as she can get a rise out of me??? the abuse goes on and on and on.......cut her off??? and i am "starving" out her negativity.....negativity feeds on more negativity......give it nothing....no response and it starves and disolves........
just my take on my experience with toxic eldist sister.......
The answer to that question lies with HIM...only he can answer that...however you can discourage this by continuing to not respond, never encourage, and keep within the boundaries you had set up...
Again, I find myself coming back to the saying, "Nothing changes until something changes."
And you are only in control of the change in you.
So until HE changes something, nothing will change.
In the meantime, keep working the programme, keep walking the talk, keep YOU at the centre of your CHANGE PROGRAMME, you cannot change anyone else.
Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
