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Hi All, Been involved with my bf for three months now. He doesn't go to meetings or call his sponsor..so I can't even say he is "in" recovery. I will say that I feel that I am dealing with a dry drunk. I have determined to detach from his attitudes and behaviors and sometimes its hit and sometimes a miss. I have determined to work my program and take care of me. I will not stop showing up for myself and speaking up for myself and doing what I need to do to maintain my serenity and sanity.
This weekend we spent the evening and then the night together. When I asked him if he was happy with me he replied "yes" and then went on to talk about sexual things, which made me pull away. I felt that his response was very superficial. I am not expecting him to say the three scary words to me at this point, but as a woman with a tender heart I need to feel that I am special to him during our intimate times. When I told him how I felt the response was immediately defensive and I was accused of being on his back all the time. I didn't argue with him but told him that I was trying to take care of myself. Then I let it go. We stayed up till 5 am, and suddenly at 7:30 am he was getting dressed and ready to creep out the door without even saying goodbye (supposedly because he didnt want to wake me and because he wanted to write checks and mail his bills early on a Sunday morning when there is no postal service...LOL). Its frustrating folks! I confronted him about this and told him that I felt used and hurt when he behaved this way. He left and made no attempt to make plans to see me later that day...OUCH!! I confronted him about everything and he turned it all on me and said that I was always on his back and that I was trying to "rush" things..I have no idea what he is talking about and wont bother to try to make sense of it. I had to walk away at that point.
Today I got an email from him saying that he isn't feeling too good about things or himself and his wall is back up. He goes on to say that he has some things to think about and that he misses me. The roller coaster ride of the disease, once again. So..tonight I decided to not respond but to pray for him instead and I am getting ready to go to an Alanon meeting nearby. I have surrendered him and this whole thing to my Higher Power and am determinded to walk in the light of love and recovery. Of course, I still have the fears...(ie..will he come back, does he realize things, what does he mean HIS WALL is up?? Shouldn't my wall be up..the Insanity)...But one moment at a time I will trust the outcome to my Higher Power.
I know this sounds radical but you know what i did??? when i decided to get into recovery, i distanced myself from ALL boy-girl relationships and even gal friends who were "not healthy".......i had to work on ME...get to know ME......AND figure out WHY i kept attracting and staying in UN healthy relationships.....
Would i want a NON recovery "A" to say "i love you" to me and want to hook up with him now?????? h$ll no!!!! i deserve someone who is healthy...reasonably human......a guy who loves himself enough to NOT rot his body on booze....
i used to do that.....date and hook up with losers with problems that i could not cure....it does not make that man lesser than me, just not HEALTHY for me....God bless them, i feel for the alkies who are married to their hellish mate called booze.....my mom was an alkie....her mate (mr. booze) killed her......she abandoned me for her booze.....my ex was an alkie...BOTH of my ex's were alkies........the last one??? he was sweet to me...loved me but i got tired of competing with his bottle...and the financial crap it caused...the broken promises it caused............i told him recovery and serious recovery or we split............we split coz his booze was more important....
that was in 2000....i am in recovery....a drinker now would make me RUN!!! why hook up and marry one who can't treat me like a queen when hes my b.f?????? i used to get into these relationships only to get hurt, betrayed, abused, lied to, screwed over......
when the pain finally got bad enough, i dumped em all and got into recovery.....the only alkie in my life now is my brother and i keep him at a distance....i put a "shelf life" on how long i talk with him...when i start to feel overwhelmed i leave the conversation....but to date one??? to marry one ever again????? thank you God and thank you 12 steps for getting me into loving myself enough to KNOW...to KNOW that i deserve a HEALTHY relationship...
PLEASE keep working this program......PLEASE if you don't have a sponsor, please get one.....there are meets here each NIGHT...EVERY night....GOOD meets...I've been to them.......my prayer is you put YOU first....take care of YOU....that is what my prayer is....
anyone with a boyfriend who isn't even a husband, treating a gal like crap because of their disease IMAGINE what is life gonna be if you marry them????? i did it TWICE.....it was WORSE....MUCH WORSE married because believe it or not....they behave better as b.f.'s....and if that is what they can give as a b.f.....imagine being married......i know....i was there TWICE!!!!! now if i see red flags on a "potential"......i RUN!!!!
Please take what you can use and leave the rest.....rosie
Hi Rosie, Thanks for sharing your ES&H. I hear you loud and clear! When I said in my original post that I had to walk away..that meant that I immediately ended the relationship. It took me time to realize that although he professed to be in AA for 18 yrs...he truthfully wasn't going to meetings, working steps or anything....Then I realized that his behavior and attitudes had all to do with the fact that he doesn't and his disease is still running the show. I will not tolerate such self centered or abusive behavior today.
I went to the Alanon meeting tonight and the topic was "focusing on ourselves"...When I began sharing and affirming my choice to walk and take good loving care of myself the lights in the room began flashing..I took that as an immediate sign from my HP that I did the right thing and was in the right place!
Love the name you have picked. Reminds me of But for the grace of God. I have been with a dry drunk for along time. I say that sober has been far worse than any drunk he went on. It still is the disease talking. Get ahold of the Getting Them Sober books. You will see the pattern. Continue to take care of you.
Toby Rice Drew who is the author of Getting them Sober says it is pretty hard to get rid of an alcoholic. I know I have found very very dysfunctional people comfortable. Getting to a place where I see red flags has been a long long journey for me and taken most of my life.
I'm glad you are taking care of you. I know I used to feel absolutely paralyzed with confusion, grief and anger at the ex A. I'm not paralyzed anymore but I do have to work on the old familiar feeling that comes over me when I'm around people who are dysfunctional.
