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I feel so beaten down, defeated. No matter what I do or say I'm wrong. I'm trying to not put myself in positions to argue with my A-bf, who is a dry drunk. I'm never sure who I'm going to talk to. One day he tells me to deal with my problems b/c they are mine and then when he calls and I tell him I need some space, He accuses me of shutting him out. I caught him in a lie this weekend and now I'm wrong for still being upset. Our trust was rocky at best and I just feel like I can't believe one thing he says. I'm trying to let go, learn detachment...but am I wrong for just wanting to walk away? I'm beginning to think love just isn't enough.
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"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
i posted a post!! "commit or run".......I really agree with it a lot
also, my take to the "dry drunk" is DETACH DETACH DETACH....live my own life.....DETACH from disease /dysfunction.....work on ME....meetings...sponsor....boards...journals......12 STEPS 12 STEPS and over and over....that is what i am doing and i am not letting others take my serenity like it used to be............used to be i lost my serenity over other's BS....not any more!!!!! i DETACH
please take what you can use and leave the rest.....good luck, rosie
I'm in the same boat lizzakiss! I am learning detachment. Loving detachment is very foreign to me. It's like pulling teeth, but I know it is the best thing for me.
should i stay or should i go, that has been the story of my life. well, i decided to change my story. and my story now is: ONE DAY AT A TIME! just live in today. it works for me, when i do it. Hugs, Sincerely,
Do you have getting them sober. I think its an excellent guide to the kind of double binds you are talking about. I was there and stuck for so long. I have to keep reminding msyelf of that as I feel somedays I'm not making too much progress. Detaching is incredible work. I really recommend giving it a shot.
You're not wrong, you're normal. Getting the blame thrown at you doesn't make you responsible just the target. Alot of the stuff that gets thrown at you are his not yours. Just take off your velcro overcoat and they won't stick....Remember velcro!!.
Of course he lies, he is an A!! It is a symptom of the disease, same as selfishness, unthoughtful of others, thinks when they get sick they deserve all kinds of attention but if you do, forget it.
The drug will always be number one even if they are in program. Then Recovery is number one.
To live and love and A I found I had to face and accept so many truths. It is not a regular relationship.
We cannot trust our money, vehicles, cr. cards, banking stuff, food, tools, jewelry on and on and on with an A.
From experience, trust is not a word that goes with an addict Then number one we cannot trust them with our kids, family,loved ones, the checker in the store....
My life was completely separate, all I did was love him. period.
Used to say I would do it again. NO way would I, no way. I will never be able to get my credit back, ability to get all my needs.
Anyhooo but I did learn bunches and am doing ok and better than most the time.
I used to be very impatient and sabatoge relationships. I have found that the issues & codependent traits I have are inside of me and I will attract another relationship just like the last one, only slightly worse somehow or more challenging/difficult. I have even tried to run away & still, there I am. When I did meet helathy people, they wouldnt stick around for my neediness, fear & manipulation. Or I'd break it off with them to beat them to it. Get to meeting, work th estpes & learn about the disease so that you can detach from the disease & not necessarily the person you love. We learn to detach from their issues, emotions, emotional blackmail, et cetera.
Of course you have the right to your feelings. He is simply blaming you for his issues, that's what A's do until they get into recovery. Do not take his issues on. He can blame you all he wants but if you dont acept responsibility for it, then you are learning to seperate the disease from him. For me, being able to identify when the disease was talking, helped me so much. I could then just put awareness to it saying, "that's the disease talking" & let it go.
I will also freely admit that I couldnt take having a relationship with an A, as far as a love affair. I still deal with my A's in my family but I had to learn to detach from them also. It didnt come easily, I was an enabler. It was all new thoughts & behaviors for me. When I was with my exAH, I would say "that's not true" to him when he would be trying to emotioanllly blackmail me or say what I was feeling wasn't my feelings - he wasnt in my head, he didnt know or really care what I was going though as long as I was feeding him energy (getting angry or hurt) that he could use to justify his abuse towards me & his drug usage.
Over time, I learned that if any of my A's were talking to me there was a better chance than not that they were lying. They always lie, the dont want to face what they are doing themselves.
My only suggestion, if you think you can't go on with this person, is to work on your issues so that they dont follow you, as they will if you neglect them. Also, deal with any unresolved feelings you have b/c they too are right there festering until you do.
Learn to focus on you & let A have his "stuff" ~ it is his stuff after all, we can't change, control or fix that but we can fix, change & control us. Focus on YOU, be kind & gentle with you. Take personal time & define your wants & needs so you can begin to pursue them. Keep coming back, keep working it!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Kitty, the last few paragraphs of your post really struck a chord in me. I did finally admit to him that I don't trust him and don't know if I ever will. He told me I shouldn't be with someone I didn't trust and I told him I agreed whole heartedly. Then the I love yous, we can do this, etc from him began (as usual--whenever he feels me pulling away he panics). I am going to keep learning about and implementing detachment and taking care of me. I'm going to admit to myself my weaknesses and work the steps and program. I am going to regain my strength and let my HP guide me to where I'm supposed to be.
((((((EVERYONE HERE))))))) so glad I found such a wonderful bunch of people!!!
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"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
