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Hi everyone. I am fairly new to Al-anon. I have posted on here a few times and done some online meetings. I only went to one f2f meeting and I didnt feel comfortable at all. I am in my early 20's and everyone was older, I just feel like I couldnt relate to anyone.
I have some daily reader books and I lurk on here but I am having a hard time staying with the program. What else can I do? I thought about trying a different meeting, maybe there will be people there who I could relate to? I have an AH and we have a very young baby.
I just had a really bad day. I worked all day, went to pick up the baby and came home to find my AH totally drunk and he went to bed right when I got home. So I had to take care of the baby, the dogs, make dinner for myself. I am used to nights like these and being lonely.
I read a post by another member here wondering if she should leave her husband. She wondered if she wanted to deal with the A for the rest of her life. I have found myself wondering the same thing, especially now that we have a baby. I dont want him to grow up in this kind of environment. But then I get so scared thinking of things. What if I leave my AH and find someone else and they have some other crazy problem? I really do love him so much. I just feel like his disease is progressing quickly and its breaking my heart. He seems distant and wants to spend all his days off golfing aka drinking. He doesnt seem interested in spending time with me or the baby.
I realized that I am focusing too much on my AH. I have good days and bad days, and today is a bad day. How can I work on putting myself first, I know that is what I need to do. I need to focus on my wants and my needs, and I know I am worth it. I just need help working the program! I also need help learning to detach, the idea of it seems almost impossible right now. Any ideas would be appreciated, I feel overwhelmed right now
-- Edited by M's Mommy on Monday 4th of May 2009 07:33:59 PM
Hi M's Mommy! Hello and Welcome! First of all, pat yourself on the back for giving the program a chance. I am 37 years old and first went to alanon when I was around 29ish or 30. I too didn't feel comfortable because I was the youngest girl there. Well, let me tell you...those "seasoned" ladies know there stuff, because Alanon is the best medicine.
Just keep coming back. It's progress, not perfection. As long as you get something each day that is motivational. Try a differentmeeting, I need to myself. You are so lucky to have a baby. You know, there are times when my A hubby goes straight to bed when I get home too and it's not that bad. At least you don't have to deal with a drunk that is messy and full of himself.
I wonder all the time, should I stay or should I go. Is the grass really greener on the other side? But honestly, my best days are the days that I stay in today only.
Keep coming back, try different meetings. I remember when my son was 2 and I used to take him to the meetings, everyone just passed him around until the meeting was over. They knew I needed to be there. Later, when my son was older I took him to alatot. He still remembers going to an alanon meeting in his Batman costume. Read the literature, keep posting here, the program works if you work it.
Aloha M&M...What you're going thru is the "newbies" and in 30 years I have never met a new member that knew it all (except myself) and was comfortable from the start. None of us (especially me) knew it or knows it all. We all start from the same pain and confusion. It was the elder ladies that held me up and loved me until I could love myself and keep my seat in the face to face meetings also. Many of them have passed and are still with me holding up the light.
You feel uncomfortable. That is the usual feeling for the wife, partner, friend, family member or associate of an alcoholic. If you were feeling relaxed and well put together you would not have come looking for MIP or a face to face meeting. Let that uncomfortable feeling take you to another meeting and keep you in your seat until 90 days of program have gone by. If after 90 days you still feel that the program isn't for you, you can pick up that bag of miseries you collected in the disease and go try something else. I don't like that picture but I stayed for 90 days one day at a time and that eventually became one day at a time for the next 29 years 9 months. I would not have done it any other way and have tried other ways to do it.
Allow yourself to be uncomfortable. Uncomfortable isn't fatal...untreated alcoholism can be.
I know all to well how you feel. I do like the older ladies they know alot keep going back they will welcome you. Also My husband passes out too I feel lonley. Just remember it not because of you . I do wonder shoud I stay or should I leave. Just al little word from me to you It would of been alot eaiser if I left when my kids were younger. I been married 30 yrs. Its to the point I can't live like this another 30 yrs.
Take Care Deb
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I put my hand in yours and together we can do what we could not do alone.
thanks for your replies everyone. I do appreciate the older members in Al-anon, I have so much to learn from them. I look up to them, and I want to be like them. I just meant that it would have been nice to see other people like me, thats all. It seemed like most of the members at that particular meeting felt how I feel now many years ago. Of course that is good for me, they can help me. I will definitely try to stick with the program and go to more f2f meetings
I know the meetings feel uncomfortable. IMHO you need to open your mouth & share at meetings. I know it is scary or I used to feel a lot of anxiety CONSTANTLY but that feeling was there no matter what I did. Talking, opening up, letting our issues bubble up, so we can see them, express them, feel them is how to get though them. Any stuffed issues or emotions are still there waiting to be dealt with. We say, feel, deal, heal. The only way is through. I had to dig into the past, reawaken a lot of painful stuff, so I could experience it fully & release it. Like everything else here, it's a process. I encourage you to either go back to the same meeting or try another. Perhaps the next time, another newcomer will be there, someone like you even & they may be scared & feel the same way -- if there were only one young person there. Who knows if you dont go back.
Talk about how uncomfortable you feel. I find that when I acknowldege my feelings & get them out in an exposed, vulnerable way, it lessens the intensity of the emotion by simply bringing awareness to it. I can validate it by recognizing it. Then I'm halfway there to being able to release it.
Struggling with focusing on your AH and not on you is a struggle we all have when we get here. I can tell you honestly that when I got busy working on me & focusing on me -- for a whole eyar I felt terribly guilty focusing on me, like I was betraying my codependency side and my A's by focusing on me but that is exactly what I had to break and it was a life time habit. The new thoughts, behaviors were totally foregin, new, it felt awkward even painful to focus on me. Once the guilt finally went away - b/c I didnt allow that to stop me from working on me and getting better- I noticed how TOTALLY BORED I was! That took a few weeks to go away. In the past I may have not of worked through the boredom -- I would have done something self destructive or whatever. The boredom seemed too quiet, too still but I decided to use it anyway, to try to enjoy being bored. A few weeks later, I noticed I was calm and it felt good.
When I was scared & anxious all the time, it was b/c I was always looking and projecting into the future -- all the what if's & junk. When I was able to get into "today" and could think of myself in those terms, the fear quickly subsided. Then I had to remind myself that thinking about what my A's were or were not doing, was none of my business & I had no control over, so I would bring my mind back to *me* and what I could control & change & what was my business.
I used to hate my mother's relationships with her AH and her boyfriend ~ eventually I realized her marriage & relationships were none of my business, who was I to have an opinion on it. It was absurd. The only thing that IS my business is my relationship with her. If she chooses to share with me, great, if not, I should not ask. I began to apply this and our relationship improved by leaps & bounds. maybe it wasnt exactly what I wanted from her but as an adult, I had to accept what she was willing to give & stop beating my head against the wall.
I also noticed that when I got busy with me, my A's would call me &/or ask me what I was up to, instead of me chasing them constantly & then being let down. Since I took the pressure off of them & my mental obsessions off - they felt lighter too and it helped with the detachment that naturally occurred as a result of focusing my energies on me.
I know it sounds weird that the best way to help them is for us to focus on us & get busy with our own programs but it works like magic every time.
My suggestion to you is to get a book that has questions that prompts you to work the steps. My favorite is The 12 Steps for Adult Children. Start working the steps, get to meetings, talk, talk, talk. Practise focsuing on you & not your AH. Do not worry about whether you should or should not leave. Get some time in the program and see how you feel in a few months. If you work the steps & get busy with you, in a couple of months what you "should do" may very well be obvious to you.
Be gentle with yourself & give it a chance. You are worth it! If you need support more than the meetings, try hanging out in the chat room & talk to others. I know I didnt want to go to f2f when I came back to al-anon four years ago. I used the chat room meetings & talking in there in general to become brutally honest with myself & in front of others. No one can see you cry or hear you scream online. It helped me immensely & for that I'm continuously grateful for this forum. Blessings to you.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
First of all, Bless your heart!!! You are in an awful spot right now in your life. You should give the meetings a try again.
I am 60 years old. There are women actually older than me in there. There are women in their early twenty's and thirty and forty's. So, we have a good mixture of experience for everyone to draw from.
It is very hard to walk into that first meeting. This is the issue I had "in my head". Most of the women(there is only one man in our group) have husbands with drinking problems. I have a daughter with a drinking problem. So, how could I relate to them.
Finally, I found a couple of women who had children with the same problem as I do with their children.
My point is-----these ladies that are older than you, they have a wealth of knowledge and experience just waiting for you to uncover. Give them a chance and find someone you are comfortable with and ask them to sponsor you.
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Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
Well the more you use the tools the easier it gets. Of course we all have bad days. There are many days when I don't know what to do next. The sense that I can overcome most things has come from the program. I no longer feel totally out of my depth all the time.
Believe me the more you can learn about the program and surround yourself with the program literature the sooner you can get to feeling better. No one says that our lives transform magically. My life is very difficult. I no longer view it as a catastrophe and I choose very carefully the company I keep.
Thank you all sooo much for your support! I will try to go to a f2f meeting tonight, I need to for myself and my sanity.
Kitty, thanks so much for your advice. It all seems a lot less overwhelming if I only think about getting through today. And I will definitely try that book, I need to stay more active with the program.
M's Mommy, You need help, you say. Go for it. Alanon is the place to be when your life has become unmanageable due to your loved one's drinking. Age really has nothing to do with it. I agree that going to your first few meetings is uncomfortable . We are so loaded down with frustrations, anger, and questions at that point. Believe me, there are "older moms" who have been through it . Give them a chance and get to as many meetings as you can. If nothing else, they have tons of literature for you, but best of all they are mostly warm caring people. Welcome to Miracles in Progress as well.
