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I am new to this forum, I feel lost and confused and don't know where to turn.
My husband is a alcoholic. We've been married for three years. He drinks almost every day. He has never been physically abusive but I am tired of dealing with all the emotional symptoms that go along with alcoholism, the manipulation, blaming, neediness, irritability, etc.
I am thinking about leaving him. Even if he decides to quit drinking (which he shows no signs of doing) I know that won't necessarily solve the problem. I think I could be happier on my own or with someone else. It is unrealistic to think that I could find a man with whom marriage could be simpler and happier? I am still young. Do I really want to spend the rest of my life dealing with his disease?
I have been to a few al anon meetings but do not actively work a program. I know it could help me. But I am wondering if it's even worth it. Why should I stick with a marriage that has such negative effects on my mental health.
Anyone out there who has grappled with this choice-- stay or go-- how did you decide? Was it the right thing to do?
-- Edited by laurel on Sunday 3rd of May 2009 07:30:44 PM
Sorry you are going thru so much at this time with your AH, we are all here to sort things out, One Day At A Time... No One Here will tell you weather or not to leave your AH, that is a choice only you can make..
I would say, now is a good time to start this program weather you plan on staying or going... You owe it to your self... This program will teach you to focus on YOU and not your A... It will teach you that we all have things we want and choose to do, and sometimes with support from people that understand were we are coming with..
I couldn't leave my A's for i am related to all of them, they don't just go away... But this program has taught me, how to Think of ME, and let their HP "Higher Power", take care of them... I would suggest some al-anon litercure, and go to the meetings... But when I went I went for me, NOT for my A... I went because I AM WORTH IT....
I hope you stick around and keep sharing your story, for you will hear from many that are right were you are... You will be amazed...
I wish you luck on your choice, and your journey, and i hope that you see... In Al-Anon... We are HERE For only one person... US....
Friends in Rocovery :) Keep Coming Back.. It works if you work it :) Take what you like and leave the rest:) Jozie
Look at your comments........i think you have already answered that ???? and also do you want to bring up kids with this????
what would you tell your daughter if she told you SHE was in this????
some people stay and live their own lives which is what you kinda have to do to stay with an "A".....separate money/ credit cards/ property......because the disease can bring you down financially to.....OR
bail like i did.....i said the same ???s when i discovered my ex was an alkie and was NOT going to quit.....it was just too unstable....too roller coaster and WAY too much drama for me
i don't tell people to stay or leave....i just know that for me??? if i ever get someone again, it won't be EVER another A or addict of any kind.......i am adult child of alcoholics and the damage those people did to me is unending.....i married into it and got MORE wounded.....financially ruined with my first ex...took me a long time to build me back up, but i did......
i guess i just wrote the pros and cons of staying with him and the cons were so much, seeing it in writing , i could see NO blessing or benefit or anything in it for me.....
anyway, that is my experience...you gotta do what you gotta do...noone can tell you to live or to stay, but even with a program, living with an alkie or any addict...your on your own life...its like your with someone but your not....their booze will always come first....then you got the personality defects......AND the potential for abuse is way higher.......i would rather be alone then with another alkie........
now this is just my experience....you gotta do what you think is best for you......stay??? leave?? i know this...whatever you do, you need a program NOW....sponsor....12 steps....meetings....posting on boards.....no matter what, you need to figure out WHY you settled for this kind of situation and am still in it when you KNOW you can do better..........with me it was needing someone because my parents abandoned me and abused me....i just stayed in my comfort zone.....now that i am healthier???? those people turn me off...
i have a brother who is an "A" and i love him, but i can only be around him a little while b4 i have to say "gotta go" and hang up......i would never trust his word...i would never trust him with $$$....i would never give him the chance to harm me, like sharing a house with him and i love him to death.......i just know that his disease could undermine MY health if i let him "too into my life"........
take what you can use and leave the rest....i don't believe in giving advice, but i will tell my experiences and let the other make their own choices....
Sounds just exactly what I would have wrote. I have been with him 3 years we have a young child. Alanon helps a lot, but he is also a sex addict. And recently has been honest about sleeping with someone else. Now I really thing this isn't the first time this has happened, he just lied before. I am working on moving out. As of right now I consider myself single and done with him. I do love him so much, but I can't help him. I can't change him. I can't cure his disease and he doesn't seem to have any intentions on doing so. I am pretty young as well and I know there is hope that I can find someone much better than him.
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
The feedback should vary dependent upon if it comes from "program" or not. The Al-Anon Family Groups do not give advice especially regarding marriage and divorce. Other lives are involved and alcoholism is a family disease.
My suggestion is to get "into" the program and get "into" just living in the day. The past is over and the future isn't here yet. All you got is now and you are not in this now alone. My believe is that there is a Higher Power here also and that there are others who have been where I have been and have more successful outcomes and solutions and I need to hear those because they will also help me change and get better consequences for myself.
You have the ability to do whatever it is that you think would work for you. Might it be that if what you have been doing isn't working you would want to try something that is working for someone else.
Welcome. You have been living with the fFamily disease of alcoholism". Be cause of this, you have been adversely affected by this disease so that leaving him right now- will not solve the problems this disease has caused within YOU.
Alanon suggests that we make no major changes in our lives for the first 6 months to a year in program. The reason for this is that we need to find ourselves again obtain clarity on our situation and then make a decision that is the right action for our lives.
The Alanon program will help you to develop skills to live your life with serenity, courage and wisdom and I as so very grateful to have found this program and stayed long enough to learn how to live life with love, peace and happiness.
Please give alanon a try an do not leave before the miracle.
Alanon suggests that we make no major changes in our lives for the first 6 months to a year in program.
Yes- this. If you can stand it, put a few months in and then see how things are going. It'll be a better decision at that point, I can almost guarantee it.
Only u know the answer to that question . Please give our program a few months and then make an informed decissiion not one based on emotion and anger . U know Al-Anon will help , but wonder if its worth it ? your worth it thats all u need to know . If you don't get help now u will do this again . speaking from experiences of many friends in program . Louise
Thank you all for your kind words. I realize that no one else can make this decision for me.
A couple of comments in particular really resonated with me. "If you don't get help now u will do this again" from abbyal and "no matter what, you need to figure out WHY you settled for this kind of situation and am still in it when you KNOW you can do better" from rosielightshines.
I had been thinking that any mental health issues I may have were a direct result of being married to an alcoholic. It never occurred to me that maybe I have some codependency issues that attracted me to this kind of relationship in the first place. And the more I think about it, this is not the first codependent relationship I've been in. The first one several years ago (boyfriend, not husband) turned out to be a drug addict and I left him. But now I'm in the same situation again, aren't I?
Maybe leaving my husband is not the magic solution to finding a healthy relationship. I should work on myself first.
Good job. What I was going to post, you realized on your own -- we do have underlying issues that need to be worked out. There is something in us that attracts a particular type of relationship. What really helped me sort through my feelings was the book: 12 Steps for adult Children.
All I wanted was to meet a non-A. Well, I didnt meet one until I got busy discovering self love, first. Once I got me into focus w/out any guilt, I got better. I set boundaries & my self-esteem grew. I had to listen to what I needed & wanted and when I set boundaires w/ new non-A b/f, even though I was scared & thinking 'who knows if this will fly' turned out he could live with my boundaries & respected me for setting them.
Then I remind myself, to focus on me, get back to me & this present moment & what can I do to improve myself today, right now?
I see relationships like stepping stones. I can go back & look at all the relationships & see how they progressed -- same problems, issues, they just get bigger or worse. Once you start to sort yourself out & get healthier, you will begin to attract healtheir people. It's a process, take time to work it & be gentle with yourself. YOU are worth it!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
be in the program for a while. I know what it is like to live with what you are. the more tools you have the better your thinking. In addition, get a copy of Getting them Sober.
That's one huge thing that I am learning... I have a lot of work to do on myself, and to stop putting all my energy into worrying about my AH. I am actually surprised how hard is to do! I'm fairly new to Al-anon, it has been very helpful in getting back to me. I don't want to make the same mistakes again! I also started to see a marriage councilor, she has been really helpful. Someone non-bias to talk to.
