The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
”Someone did mention to me tonight at the meeting that I should be greatful that I at least have parents and he is right. That put me back into living one day at a time.” Just my opinion… that crack came from someone whose pain has a long indirect path back to abuse in hers or his childhood and they have a need to pass along hers or his pain to others in the form of guilt trips.
I think that maybe only God should make laws. The ‘men’ that wrote the law, and said it was from God, that we must honor and love our parents were full of fear and crap. I, like most, bonded with my parents but never new love for my parents, period. “Love” truly never hurts. I bet two quarters that is a God law. God is Love. I do not love or hate abusers. I was mostly abused as a child and I do not or did not love my abusers. Thank goodness some good was amongst all that abuse. However, I did not love my parents… God bless them. However, I am learning to love all people no matter their morality and that includes my past parents. Today, I find parents of choice amongst persons that I come to know. How awesome that is.
Yes, It is good that we have choices in this life. It is interesting what you write. My one brother that disowned us and never told us why is an athiest. I tried to discuss this with him once and after that decided never to talk about it to him again. I wish he could find some love somewhere to see that just one more communication with my parents could allow them to say they are sorry for anything they may have done. It may not be long now until my mom won't even remember my brother or any of us with her alzheimers. I am not sure what my brother believes anymore. I just try to have hope that he will come around. He has even changed his phone number so we cannot contact his answering machine. I personally choose to have my same parents as my current parents. When I had kids, I realized how hard parenting is. My parents and I did the best we could with what we had at the time. I don't think my brother ever learned this.
Whatever anyone believes, we all can at least try to be kind and nice to each other. But it still comes down to each person's choice. I choose to detatch from the situation with my brother. I choose to love my parents and use the alanon skills to have a good relationship with them now :) I choose to be grateful that I do have parents that are alive and I choose to live in the moment and one day at a time :) your friend, cdb :)
Hello Richard! There's a lovely quote from Richard Bach's book, Illusions, that I have taken comfort from over the past several years, that addresses what you are talking about, I think:
The best words I ever heard in respect to the parents we were born with and the varied abuses we suffered was, "hurt people hurt people" I chose to forgive them because I realised they were spiritually sick, I was able to claim my Dads body from the morgue, visit my mothers grave and make amends to them both. I didn't come with a manuel when I was born and they had their own pain from their chilhoods.
God called them home and he alone is the judge. I was blessed to find Al-Anon and learn how to let go of the all encompassing hatred I felt towards them and what happened to me. Nickemarr
Dear godly Nickemarr, my parents did come with a manual named, “The World About Them”. Maybe they needed a better world about them; maybe they needed to be more involved in the world; I do not know. Hurt people do hurt people. That does not mean we are obligated to anyone or deity to love people who are doing the hurting. When I say I have done crimes; I really have done crimes; I was a most hurting person hurting in revenge and defense, the world around me. When I was a child the adults about me never developed my feelings. The only ones that I could feel were extreme fear, anger, and the ones that come with hate. Today, I know that for me to be in the Love that is my God, I have to Love all people. It is learning process and not one of perfection. I have very much less stress in, on, and around my being that I have chosen my God to not be judge at all. I have much less stress knowing there is really not a thing call ‘sin’. There is nothing I need to forgive my parents for. They did not commit any sins to be forgiven. I feel relieved that my God did not make an ultimatum that I love abusers. Today, I am learning to love them, little by little and little by little I am getting nearer to My God who is my heart. I respect your right and need to have a God that judges. God is so powerful that God can be anything you want God to be. Perhaps you chose that your God does not have that power, I do not know..
Hi Richard and thanks for sharing where you are.....
In my journey I'm just now at the place where I am beginning to acknowledge what happen to me as a child. And I'm choosing for the first time to feel what it was like to be me. This is a soupy, murkey mass of pain and confused feelings. I am angry now and yet at the same time I feel guilt for being angry with my parents. Some say I should be grateful...all they do is add to the confusion and I wish they would keep their opinions to themselves. I so desperatly want to come out of bondage but it seems like some would rather keep me where I am...bound, gagged and silent. My healing is a sometimes ugly process and not always supported by others.
