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I was reading on here in another post about the A picking a fight, to get what they want.
I've noticed that at this point in my relationship with my A that I pick fights with him in order to get out of having to enjoy time with him. Most times lately I sabotage any hope of enjoying any time with him. I am evasive. Angry. Miserable. Waiting. Like a cat watching its prey, I linger on every word, every action, every movement and wait for the moment that I can be abrasive, accusatory, hurtful to my A. Then afterwards I am oddly satisfied that I have concluded once again that he is "the problem" giving myself this weird permission to think, do and feel negatively and hopeless about him and my future with him. Giving myself justification to throw in the towel because he is obviously not going to change, not worth it, not what I want for my life, etc etc
And then comes the guilt that my A is right when he says that he deserves to be treated like a human being, that it doesn't matter what he does, it will never be enough for me. The guilt of treating him so rudely. So negatively. So unlike anyone else I've ever treated or would ever treat.
And then, it starts all over again, the next time I see or spend any amount of time with my A. It feels like I just can't be nice to him. I just can't see the forest through the trees anymore. I just feel completely unable to be at peace and enjoy his company. And there are some things that I really miss about his company that I block enjoying - his quirky sense of humour and our "inside jokes", his random thoughts of random things, his pleasant interactions with our son, . Although I would like to, I find myself completely blocked and unable to allow myself to enjoy him or ever like him again...
And this post says much more about me and my issues and my areas to improve...I just don't know how...
From your post, it sounds like you see your reaction to him as a choice. So, if it is your choice, then you can change. If you don't like something about yourself, then you can change it. You have that power.
For me, I hated my ex covertly for everything he had done to me over the years. And that resentment would come out sideways and wind up making ME miserable. Just like the old saying "taking poision and hoping the other person dies". I just got very sick.
And I worked this program to the best of my ability and that helped set me on a path of self discovery and unconditional love. Not just for my ex but for myself.
It wasn't until recently that I can look back and really see how abusive I was to my ex. And I can do it without justification. Before I would say "yeah, I was rude and mean and cruel to my AH, BUT HE did ALOT worse to me!!!!"
Today, I see how I was and I never want to be that way again. That was my part to own and now my part to change. I don't like who I was when I was with him. And that has nothing to do with him. It is all me.
So, it looks like you have a great start with the self realizations. Now what do you want to do with that?
I agree, living with the disease of alcoholism, I became a person I did not recognize.
You are in the right place and alanon tools will help you, as it did me to replace the negative reactions and defenses into positive constructive responses.
It is a process. Be gentle with yourself.
I found the three As very helpful
Awareness (this is what I do ) Acceptance (this is what I do, I do not like it and I cannot blame anyone else) Action ( Pray, Let Go of anger Let God give peace)
What an honest share Rora. Yes, you very specifically described the disease I know I have that I sometimes call "stinking thinking" for lack of a better phrase at any one moment. I agree with Seren that it is a choice and that we do have the option, once we become aware to try something different and that nothing changes when nothing changes. Another question I asked was" "what am I getting out of this?" and my answer was I was getting a feeling of superiority and pride. I was getting a feeling of being really right. I was getting a great feeling of pay back and doling out justice- leveling the playing field, so to speak. I was doing the right thing and balancing everything out. WRONG. Boy was I wrong but my self esteem was so lousy that I really needed to treat someone like crap to lift myself up. In order for me to feel good, someone else in the room needed to feel bad. Really messed up toxic harmful stuff. Hugs, J.
I too was a VERY "Mind Spirited" Person... I Would work HATE up in my head so bad that I Couldn't stand myself... I was more hurtful I think to me then my A... I have learned that the Serenity Prayer was a good place for me to start.... I have a bracelet that my SIL got me, and I wear it on my tougher days :) So when I am having my "Hate You" days, and my mind wont shut down on the aggrivation, I repeat the serenity prayer... OVER N OVER N OVER N OVER Again... And if I have to remind myself 30 times that day..Then that is what I do...
God... Grant me the Serenity to except the things I CAN NOT CHANGE "Hints HIM" the Courage to Change the things I can "Hints ME" and the Wisdom to know the differance...
We can only Change US... No Matter how many things you thru at your A.. It is like yelling at a 3 month old... "Whats the point", they can change there actions for they have not been taught... Your A is just that.. an A... Yes it is HIS choice to Change his life... Not yours... It is not an easy thing to sit and watch unfold in front of you... HOWEVER... I have noticed in my life, Since Al-anon... My relationship with the A's in my life are very differant now, from before Al-anon... because now I focus on ME...
I wish you the best, and hope that you put your focus back on yourself, and see how nice your life can be... Without the Hurtful words, anger, angst, and dispair... You have come to the right place... Soooo Just Keep Coming Back... It works if you work it :)
Take what you like and leave the rest :) Love and Prayers Jozie
Thank my HP for reading this post and all of the honest and supportive responses you got from the gals here. Open Honesty is for me the foundation of humility and humility is "being teachable".
I did what you have spelled out here also and did it in spades!! I found out that I was making my alcoholic pay for stuff that she wasn't even involved in and from days before we even met. I was doing "pay back" on her for hurts and resent- ments she had no knowledge about. I was also doing "pay back" on her for the short comings I found in myself too. There was an attempt to "feel superior" to her when I attempted to cloak all of my problems under the guise of her alcoholic drinking and behavior.
Another thing I was doing was attempting to drive her to the point where she would end the relationship while I couldn't and didn't. I took my anger at my- self out on her self and honestly other selves also.
I had the ability to act lovingly and was too afraid to do so because I didn't want to let her know that she still had value and good and I really needed justifications to walk away. I had mixed messages in my head and didn't want any of them to get out. She had to be the reason for all of my problems and unacceptable reactions.
I didn't love her. I didn't know how to love anyone including myself or a power greater than myself. I didn't have a workable definition of love or a workable behavior for it either. I got to the point that all I did was act unlovingly to everyone even those I would say "Oh but not you" to.
I got the definition for love that I have today from inside the program and specifically from women and one woman in particular. I learned the difference between love and need that way also. I learned I needed my alcoholic wife to beat on. I learned that often times when a person loves another they will tolerate it. I have learn alot about that here. I learned that my alcoholic loved me and tolerated my abuse to a degree that was greater than my own and I learned how to just STOP!! Let go of my habit of abusing and turn to the suggestions of the program in the steps, traditions, slogans and prayers. I hung with the people in program that were different than I was and different was what I needed.
Trust God (1st 3 steps). Ask your HP to stop you because that is what you want to do. It is hurting you more than it is hurting him. You want to stop as much or more than he wants you to. You might ask him and then listen with an open mind "How special am I to you that you keep coming back." You want to be that special to yourself also.
Hi Rora, I want to tell you in my experience, once I really learned and believed my A had a horrible, not of his choice disease, I no longer wanted to punish him for hurting me.
It is the disease not him that made me sick. NO ONE chooses to be an A.
Once I looked at him with compassion, I was able to become a better person in the way I was with him.
It is very true when one reacts or starts a conflict, they get some kind of high off it.
To me to do this is allowing the disease to control us.
Yes, yes, right, right -- BTDT -- it is like the saying, "hurt people, hurt people." Clearly you are hurt, so we have enough of abuse & turn it around, use it as a weapon & sabatoge our relationship. Wow, I've done it many times before. It never works & often hurts me much more than the other person b/c later I get to dwell in the guilt of ruining the relationship too. I say, forgive yourself for being human, for being hurt, for being a participant in this disease. Forgive you A, for the past, for the betrayls, empty promises & lies. You can stop acting like that, if you dont appreciate it in yourself anymore. You may have to force yourself to be nice, kind, gentle, calm but this may a case where "fake it 'til you make it" applies.
You may have something nagging at you that you need to voice or say, set a boundary. Like, if I'm mean or not nice to A, I'll take some time out - to clear your head. The awareness itself, is big but changing it can be more challenging b/c it's new behavior, that's ok. You cna try & start over - surrender - a million times a day if you have to. This is a process, not a race. We are learning, hang in there & be gentle with yourself. Getting out, for a drive or walk in the park or bird watching or people watching -- wtvr u like to do -- for me, it was either completely alone, like a very hot bath in which tothink & get away or I love to watch animals & nature. Used to go to the water a lot & hear the surf or sit under a tree - anything to get some calm back.
Focus on YOU & work on loving yourself, whatever that means to you -- for me it began with the cessation of destructive behavior, actively loving self & being gnelte & kind to me. When Igo to forgive someone for my hurt feelings, I always have to forgive me first, for having to forgive them in the first place. LOL, kind of funny but it's just how I am.
Hang in there, keep working it ~ YOU are worth it!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Obsessing was very hard for me. I had to detach, detach and focus on myself. Of course when I first came here that was absolutely impossible. Gradually over time I made myself the priority.
Giving myself justification to throw in the towel because he is obviously not going to change, not worth it, not what I want for my life, etc etc
