The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I realized I was struggling to hold back my feelings, while mustering up the courage to glance at them while I tried to speak, the tears came anyway. I knew I had lost the one person that truly mattered most in my life; its just that at that point I had no understanding that this person was me. I had made my way scared, shaking, broken. This would come to be my first meeting I attended for me.
I was no longer able to help her, be there for her, and take care of her. Seeing the suffering in front of me, my reflection in her eyes, and yet I was unable to reach out and touch her ever again. She no longer wanted me to. I felt as if I didnt matter. I felt torn from my heart, with so much pain inside. It felt like it was over, my life. It was all there right in front of me, slow motion; her heart was so far from mine. In an attempt to release myself of the pain, I struggled to get back into the skin of my life that I had to go back to work in. My legs could no longer hold up the weight of my emotions. I took a shower and tried to wash away the feelings of my breaking heart. My skin was soon covered in tears as I layed down in the shower, trembling. Watching my world crumble into darkness, memories now jaded, the tunnel grew darker. I was so into us, I had lost I thought... did it really matter anymore what I thought? As I fell to my knees again in an attempt to stay focused on what it felt like was the last bit of my soul dying. It was only my feelings again I said to myself, a pain in my heart like no one could possibly understand whos still alive. I had felt like this before I thought the end of the world. I just said out loud that I would never feel like this again.
I had thought that some day I would forget the feeling I had of total and utter despair, I was wrong. The sting in my heart from that day has a special place. It reminds me of where I was and how far I have come. Its a reminder of all the past struggles and things I have had to endure, things no one should ever have to put themselves through. Things I realize now that I have brought upon myself in an ironic attempt to keep myself from harm. Control, I used to think it was something I got to do to everyone else. I knew very little of the torment I was inevitably forcing upon myself, I had no Idea
As the days pass by, I still feel the presence of your shadow. A memory still lingering, further now in the distance, I smile.
I'm so you found us here, and It was nice chatting. There are those of us who have felt many of the things you are going through, I'll see ya around & peace be with you :)
thanks, Its hard to post stuff like that, but there is something about letting it out to others who understand. This helps in the healing process of us all. Thanks to you, and god speed on all of our healing hearts in this wonderful program, peace
