The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to this board. I have been coping with an on/off alcoholic husband for several years. We have had counseling but our communication about this is poor. The biggest problem has been lying about drinking. Lack of trust makes the problem so much worse. I have gone to a few Al-Anon meetings over the years; honestly, I feel depressed from them from my inability to listen to others' problems. When he is not drinking, everything is great. He can go several months and then something triggers it. I fear DWI, losing all of our friends, being on my own and all the normal concerns everyone talked about at Al-Anon. Sometimes I wonder if I should bail out before things should turn ugly. After several years, I wonder if things will get better, stay the same or become progressively worse. I worry about so much because I don't have his support through communication so we can work on this together. Otherwise, I have no complaints about him; that's what makes it so difficult to deal with. I'm hoping that I can find some support and insight into this.
i was married to an alkie....got into an "alanon" like program, and i began to ask myself "WHAT am i doing with him??? whats the blessing for ME??? where are MY needs getting met????? whats in this for me??? where is the *mutual* caring in this???"......i ended up leaving.....i wish at that time i had stuck with that program or gotten into 12 steps.......would have saved me a lot of grief after that....rosie
first husband was an alcoholic and anger addict. I left too, didn't really work the program, wish I had but do now. I am glad I work the program, it's for me.
A book,"Getting Them Sober" is a great one to learn from.
The alanon program can help you in your situation, but it can also help anyone grow into a better person.
I wanted to keep living with my AH once I really got a lot of program in me. But he knew what he was doing and went away. He wanted to be where he could use without so much guilt.
Sadly a addict does get worse. Even if they get into a good recovery program, they almost always relapse and end up right where they were when they quit.
To leave or to stay is always up to the person involved. No one can leave and stay gone until they are really ready. That is what makes people go back, they were not ready.
Many go back and forth for many years. I kept trying and trying until he was so sick and abusive from brain damage, that I was not safe around him.
I hope you keep coming back. This spot is home to many of us.
I agree, definitely check out as many different meetings as you can. You might find one that's right for you. I am new to all this (been going to face-to-face meetings for only a month), but I am learning that this is more than a 12-step program, it's a way of life. The things that I am reading and learning can be applied to any aspect of my life, not just my husband's drinking. I wish you all the best!
Aloha Wife...In time if it hasn't happened already...you will come to learn and understand that alcoholism is a progressive disease. As long as he continues to drink it will get worse never better. Of course it gets worse for everyone attached also...who do not have a program of recovery to support them. So he'll be on and off, on and off, on and off... The other gals have shared how the program worked for them and the "wish I hadda's". It's not only women who have been where you are at now. My alcoholic wife was a binger. Binge, get hurt or in trouble stop drinking...then binge, get hurt or in trouble stop drinking. I got soooo insane until I got into and stayed in the Al-Anon Family Groups and I had come close to running out of life. You have a daily opportunity to get help in most areas from meetings and from literature and phone contact and coming to places like MIP. We learn to get out of the future and the past and stay in the present. The only control we have over our own peace of mind and serenity whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not is right now...today and we are not alone in it.
Go back to the meetings and keep coming back here. This does work when you work it.
I am so grateful for all of your answers. It's been several months since my husband had a drink, I think. Because of the damage done in the past I get so nervous when he has any social event to go to where I'm working or just when he's with his friends (not at a bar or anything) but could be a sporting event. Alcohol is everywhere. My counselor told me to tell him when I get an "icky" feeling that he may have had a little alcohol not to the point of blatant drunkeness, but when I've done that, I get a quick "no" and no other conversation to support me, or to make me feel confident that he's telling the truth. Once you've been lied to it's very hard to trust especially when you're not getting alot of reassurance. Thank you again for all of your comments. Feeling like others care really helps.
No one can give you the map. I think that al anon really helps. For me the tools are a great asset. So many of us come here in crisis. I know the ex A I was with got dramatically worse. He had plateaus but his disease ultimately progressed tremendously.
