The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yesterday I awoke thinking of my exabf,even refering to him as my 'x' is huge progress for me. So I got up to go about my day.Within an hour 3 things had chipped away at my will not to contact him. An item on the news about a place we liked to visit,nice memories I thought and moved on, an email from a clothing company he used to use, should I forward it? no, delete,move on. Then his Dad text me have I heard from him? he hasnt, we both know he's fine and just very busy with his recovery. So I cave in and text my ex just to say hi and have a nice day Uggg. He of course doesnt reply. Thats ok with me.
Then I get a message on my answering machine from the Mother of someone he was in rehab with, she wants info on her son who's on a home visit and do I have the rehab number. I do not want to call back and get involved so I text my ex to get him to sort it out as its not my business. Good move on my part. I still havent heard from my ex, he usually keeps in touch. So my day was ruined to put it mildly. I have been working my program so hard, reading, going to meetings, looking after myself everything I can think of. Trying to do the next right thing. He calls on me, texts, emails when he likes, its not his fault he doesnt understand how painful it is for me. I never initiate contact because thats what I feel is the right thing. I need to set boundaries around this.
This whole episode just brought home to me I'm nowhere near as detached as I like to kid myself. That great talent of mine denial. I'm not detached I'm in limbo
Today I've decidede to learn from this, maybe it was my HP showing me just where I am, a reality check. I'm grateful for that because it means I'm moving on. Baby steps. One day at a time.
It took me a long time to get any real detachment. First I set & followed though with boundaires and that helped. But it was my inner boundaries that were most out of control ~ what I mean by that, is if I knew my mom or an ex b/f wasn't doing well or going through a rough patch ~ my heart would go out to them. I'd be all upset & my feelings would be enmeshed & right in the chaos. I began doing these mediataion/prayer type techniques where I would visualize me & see all of my heart strings or like chords - plugged into this other person. Then I'd visualize me cutting some and the rest, I would unplug from them, turn them around & plug into me. It may sound weird, but I'm very visual & when I was meditating one day, this is what I saw -- me being plugged into them. It wasn't so much that I was getting energy from them but I was exhasuting my energy by showering it on them. I am pretty sure, I did this most of my life, I'm naturally empathetic/compassionate.
Once I began plugging inot me & being aware that I did not want to give all my energy away anymore -- I got stronger emotionally. I told myself (logically, literally) that I can be "OK" even when they are going through crisis or difficulty. I can be "ok" no matter what is happening.
Today this is a reality for me. I can be there, listen, be supportive but all of my energy doesnt run out to rescue & it started with that little technique.
If I did continue or begin to worry, once becoming aware of these thoughts ~ I'd simply say a prayer for them & release them to HP/God and then I could go on minding my own business.
Not too sure if this is helpful or not but it worked for me.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
for me to get to detachment stage, on anything, i first have to "see it as it is".....feel the feelings of anger or grief, or both, and then come to the kinda "let go" grief, then REAL acceptance and then i move on...take care of me....either i am keeping the relationship but changing and setting boundaries and keeping my distance or i leave it....depends on what is best for me.....
i can "re-eval" a relationship anytime i need to...sometimes i change who is in my inner circles and my outter circles......i have to feel my feelings first.....not act on them , but FEEL and get them out of the way,....THEN its time to go to work on taking care of me and doing what action is best for me....boundaries??? distancing myself???? or getting out......its my choice....it is not to manipulate them but to take care of me....
these are all good shares, my drug of choice was unhealthy relationships, specifically, unavailable men. I got involved with a married man ten years ago and had the same problems, he was like a drug, I had to get sober and stay away from him. I finally felt enough pain and I did.
these are all good shares, my drug of choice was unhealthy relationships, specifically, unavailable men. I got involved with a married man ten years ago and had the same problems, he was like a drug, I had to get sober and stay away from him. I finally felt enough pain and I did.
oh #$%$ i did that too....not married (at least knowingly) but UNAVAILABLE.....oh yea, like i would "fall in love with" a tv star, or a guy in real life who was totally emotionally unavailable.....yea, it was like i felt maybe "safe" because i knew it wuldn't work?? couldn't have it/him????? ......and yea, when the pain got bad enough, i drug myself into recovery and WOW!!!! what a sicko i was in that i was sooo needy and sooo needing to control.......can't believe the changes in me....."thank you God"......this program has been my restoration, brought to me by my maker..........great share, Robin
Hello, I have a self absorbed alcoholic mother who got sober when I was 14 and then was just as mean after sobriety. Although a lot of, the most erratic parts of her behavior lessened, the general victim/center of attention/undiscovered star-genius personality remained. Basically a sober auntie Mame.
Sooooo, the good part is she stayed sober and is 30 years sober. The sad part is that her underlying, likely personality disorder and self centeredness never got better. At first I was really angry at AA for not fixing my mother.
Than I realized after going to therapy and Alanon. That step programs can not cure mental illness or alcoholism for that matter in another person, just give a give us some tools to try and live more normally around a person like that, whatever your "that" is.
Getting older helped me a lot. I don't know if any of us ever really heal from these kind of people in our lives. At best we can try to pick partners that are not as sick as our parents. I have met women in their 60's still struggling with self absorbed abandoning mothers. I don't know if we ever really get over it.
For me, detachment is kind of the right word. I really don't take my mothers or sisters behavior as a reflection of me anymore. It took me a while to come to some kind of self identity. For me it has had a lot to do with being myself.
I will never forget when my therapist looked at me and said "well here you are, do you like yourself?". I thought, well yes I do actually. And that is what we mean by inner boundries. There is someone home with the lights on. I think Alanon helped me support having my own lights on in my house.
It took me a lot of time and I am 45 and I still harbor fantasies of having kindness and support shown to me by these abandoning people. I am so grateful that part of the solution is just time passing and experience.
Junehouse
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One must always do what one thinks can not be done.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-
Oh, I agree Mariner that awareness is important. Although I think almost all of us are well aware of what we are doing is sick and out of a sense of lost self.
I wish awareness of what we where doing was a cure but it is but a small beginning.
Anyhoo, Alanon is definately a step in the right direction.
In recovery, we don't have to lose ourselves anymore, to have love like we did with the sick person in our lives.
Love and having ourselves is the answer. We can have ourselves, and love at the same time.
Junehouse
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One must always do what one thinks can not be done.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-
