How could al-anon help me? - Al-Anon Family Group

txincalif · Newbie

How could al-anon help me?

Sincerely · Senior Member

I went to one on one therepy for 5 years. I came to alanon in July of last year. It was the best thing I could ever do for myself. Alcholic in my life or not, everyone can use alanon in their life. The 12 steps are great for anyone and everyone.

Good Luck!
Tonya

Jozie · ~*Service Worker*~

txincalif (((((HUGS)))))

WELCOME TO OUR FAMILY....

YES YES AND YES.,... Al-anon can help you, if you are ready to help yourself...I am sorry about your assult and think it is great that you have chosen to go for help and join a support group... I can say that this too is a support group, and we all stick together for one another, and support our ups and our downs...

I just started al-anon in Jan, after I lost my Father to alcoholism...It is great that your Husband is seeking out a program and sticking to it...And if it is helping him overcome his drinking that is great as well...I am sure it is a change for you to have him so involved, but that is the perfect time for you to TAKE CARE OF YOU...Al-anon teaches you to put yourself back on the list of things to take care of... It teaches you how to love yourself, and not NEED the constant attention from others... Or at least it has for me... It teaches me to take care of me so I can then take care of my son, and my family to best of my ability...

I truly hope that you give Al-anon a try, I will say this tho. I too thought that Al-anon was a bunch of wives sitting around gossiping, but it isn't anything like that, in my group, we have Wives, girlfriends, Fathers, Mothers, children of alcoholism... Only thing you to need to qualify is to "know, live or be associated with an alcoholic or a recovering alcoholic" so guess what... You are right were you need to be...

I hope that you will take the time to read some post, leave some comments if you choose, here in al-anon we do not judge, and we do not advise, we share with you our experiences, our strength, and our Hope for the future, and sometimes our fears... I have learned to love me even tho my past was not one to be proud of...

I was told that to be sure Al-anon was for me, I was to at least go to (6) Face to Face Meetings before I made up my mind if it was for me, and I can honestly tell you that on that 6th meeting I went in not sure I was in the right place and i Walked out knowing in my heart I was right were I needed to be... :)

I wish you luck on your journey and hope for your sake you give it a try, you will learn so much about your Ahusband behaviors and your own... Go Easy On Your Self and give it a try.. You have come to the right place :)

Love & Prayers

Jozie

Melissa21 · Senior Member

We aren't just a group of wives alcoholics. There are men here as well all types of people form all over the world.

I have been here 4 months and this is the BEST thing that has ever happened to me. Many will say attend 6 Alanon meetings and then decide if it is right for you.

There is one right now in the chat room on this website.

I wish I would have found Alanon years ago. Many people also were referred to Alanon by their spouses who are alcoholics/addicts.

-- Edited by Melissa21 on Thursday 30th of April 2009 08:06:27 PM

farmgirlmay · Member

I was in your shoes and I have a story to tell....

My AH started attending AA a year ago this last January and then slacked off last May before starting up again in August. He asked numerous times (too many to count) to attend an open AA meeting with him or to just try to go to Al-Anon. I refused as I was sure there was nothing there for me!!!

His requests continued as did my refusal (and denial) until he decided in March that he no longer wanted to be married to me! We are currently separated and I AM attending f2f Al-Anon meetings two to three times a week as well as coming here! However, my AH has not been back to AA since!!

I was resentful of his committment to AA because it felt like he traded his addiction (alcohol and pills) for an addiction to AA and the folks there. He seemed to spend more time on AA and being at meetings than he ever did at home or with me and our kids. And, he talked AA ALL the time. I now know that is what he was supposed to be doing and that was the way he was going to get better. Now the disease has hold of him again and it could be fatal this time.

Even, with your assault, IMO Al-Anon would work for you. It helps you understand how to make your crazy life much more managable and you learn that your AH's "stuff" is HIS and not yours!!

Hope this helps!

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome.

There are very serious statistics that tell us when both mates are in a recovery program, the relationship has an 80% of lasting.

Just the questions you asked or your comments would be clear if you decide to be a part of Alanon.

Yes sobriety, the A's program of recovery is number one. With out recovery what do you have? A very sick person ruled by their disease.

Alanon helps us for one thing to realize their being a part of AA is also for us, as it helps them to be the best they can be.

I warmly invite you to give it a real go. For me, it changed my life. Made me such a better person. Whether I had an A in my life or not, learning that I cannot control anyone but me, has made my relationships so much better.

Also putting my life totally in Hps hands is major, letting go and letting God, ONE day at a time is also major.

Loving people unconditionally has always been me, but alanon teaching me that with my AH was very, very difficult. Because I DID love him thru it all, and learned not to be ashamed of that. He has a disease, of course I still love him.

so there is some of my experience.

hugs, you gets lots of those here! love,debilyn

mermaid88 · Member

I went to my very first alanon meeting tonight, and I am so grateful for the kind, compassionate, warm, and loving people that were in the room with me tonight. It was the first time I have ever walked into a room and felt 100% supported. There is no criticism, no judgment, just understanding. I will definitely be back. I highly, highly recommend it to anyone who has been affected by their loved one's addiction.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Am sorry u were attacked that is a tough one but your getting help and thats great , you can rise above it . and yes right now AA is his life line it is whats keeping him sober he needs to be there , Al-Anon will help u understand that and will stop the resentment your beginning to feel . the best way to support thier efforts at sobriety is to have our own program so we can focus on our own needs and leave them to AA . You will find the support u need in our program , and to have your husb actually asking u to attend is awsome most men do not want t hier partners in the program . I hope u will give our prog a try for a few months and then maybe u can come here and tell us what Al-Anon is doing for you.
Real meetings changed my life , it will yours too . good luck Louise

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

I am guessing the reason your AH (alcoholic husband) wants you to get to alanon asap is b/c it helps us to work out our feelings ~ feel, deal, heal ~ and deeper emotional issues & gives us coping skills for life in general. Like all of us, when we find something new that works well for us, we get excited & enthusiastic, so he's trying to share that with you. Unfortunately, when we're ALL enthusiastic, we come off over zealous & it can be a turn off. Good for you for seeking out some info for you.

Also by understanding the nature of addiction, we can learn to stop enabling them, stop focsuing on them & focus on us & work to better & fix us. Grwoing up in addiction -- I was constantly worried, obsessed & trying to influence my parents, exteneded family & friends who also had issues. I loved them to the total abandonment of myself & incidentally suffered from suicdal ideations for 25 years. It's kind of like PTSD, you see images being replayed like a movie along with very very negative thoughts like, 'everyone would be better off without me'.

I knew how to love others but the truth was, I did NOT know how to love myself. I had no emotional boundaires. If my mom wanted or needed anything, I was there, desperate to help & please. I thought that was my job since about 5 y/0 on.

Yes, in al-anon you will meet understanding, compassion, love, non-judgement. If not b/c once in a while someone finds a sick group -- take in a different meeting. They say check out a few different meetings b/c each group is different to see what works for you. You may prefer a crowded mixed meeting (men & women); you may determine you prefer a small group of women only -- you just dont know until you try. When you find one that you like or feel comfortable in, stick with it.

When u get to a f2f mtg - pick up the pamphlets, they help to inform & guide us. Some are very educational & talk about how to avoid conflict &/or how to recognize the A's manipulation, so u can learn to stop going with it.

I found this forum (Miracles in Progress) 4 yrs ago. I was very depressed & isolated & suicdal at the time. I was terrified of being in a mtg & talking about the thoughts/feelings b/c in TX if you write about it, a family member can have you locked up there & I couldnt bare that. I found this Board & the chat room & the daily meetings there & began attending like my life depended upon b/c it felt like it did.
Your AH may feel like this too. It is a life line to a new & different way of being. He is trying to change like his life depends upon it b/c it does.

I am sorry you went through such a traumatic experience. I am sure in al-anon, you will be able to get it out -- and work out your feelings in time. They say time heals all wounds but if you stuff them - all they do is fester. You have to go through them to release them.

Also, one thing I was afraid of was being ordered around &/or manipulated as I was before. Al-anon members wont give you advice, we do however offer suggestions & will share ESH (our experience, strength & hope) with what has worked for us individually. Al-anon supports us to figure out what is best for us, as unique individuals. So, it is all about you. You figuring out what will work the best for you, as only you can possibly know.
This was very frightening for me, initially b/c I didnt know who I was or what I wanted or needed. I can say, I am a completely different person that I was even two years ago. My negativity is mostly gone & I have hope, peace, love & inner joy today ~ that IS a miracle.

If you ever wish for someone to chat with that understands, the chat room is open 24/7 and ppl strem in & out all day long. Also we have two daily meetings in there.

Hope you give it a try. As we say it works if you work it and if you do work it, you will see your life changing for the better. You are worth it & deserve the very best.

Peggy7 · ~*Service Worker*~

Deciding if Al anon is for you...

1. Do you worry about how much someone else drinks?

2. Do you have money problems because of someone else's drinking?

3. Do you tell lies to cover up for someone else's drinking?

4. Do you feel that if the drinker loved you, he or she would stop drinking to please you?

5. Do you blame the drinker's behavior on his o r her companions?

6. Are plans frequently upset or canceled or meals delayed because of the drinker?

7. Do you make threats, such as, "If you don't stop drinking, I'll leave you?

8. Do you secretly try to smell the drinker's breath?

9. Are you afraid to upset someone for fear it will set off a drinking bout?

10. Have you been hurt or embarrassed by a drinker's behavior?

11. Are holidays and gatherings spoiled because of drinking?

12. Have you considered calling the police for help in fear of abuse?

13. Do you search for hidden alcohol?

14. Do you often ride in a car with a driver who has been drinking?

15. Have you refused social invitations out of fear or anxiety?

16. Do you sometimes feel like a failure when you think of the lengths you have gone to in order to control the drinker?

17. Do you think that if the drinker stopped drinking, your other problems would be solved?

18. Do you ever threaten to hurt yourself to scare the drinker?

19. Do you feel angry, confused, or depressed most of the time?

20. Do you feel there is no one who understands your problems?

It is said if you answered yes to 3 or more, Alanon may be able to help. Give it a try you have nothing to lose.

serendipity · ~*Service Worker*~

Yup, you're in the right place.

rosielightshines · ~*Service Worker*~

Sincerely wrote:

I went to one on one therepy for 5 years. I came to alanon in July of last year. It was the best thing I could ever do for myself. Alcholic in my life or not, everyone can use alanon in their life. The 12 steps are great for anyone and everyone.

Good Luck!
Tonya

I couldn't agree more!!! i am in christian councelling NOW as i write this, started this year...yea, it is helping me with my spirituality, but if i had to leave something???? it would NOT be the 12 steps.....THIS is where i really really found me and my HP............AMEN Tonya, rosie

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.