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Woke up this am and EXABF was the first thing on my mind! UGH! I have no idea why or how he keeps getting there but it just really annoyes me this am.
I came to work and sat down and read the morning posts-which usually bounces me back into the now and I'm still just kinda not with it.
Looking back, I never thought after EXAH and I divorced that I would EVER allow myself to be in this position again. Indeed I did everything that I THOUGHT would prevent it from EVER happening again. If I dated someone and even REMOTELY suspected they had ANY type of drinking problem I was gone, feet hitting my butt as I ran.
So now I sit here wondering HOW? HOW am I in the same position (though sometimes it feels worse) almost 18 yrs later? What did I miss? I mean I KNEW EXABF was an A. He admitted it early on-which was the reason I ran from him in the beginning, but he kept pursuing and I weakened. Was I blinded by his sobriety? Did I think that just because he wasn't drinking, he would no longer possess any of the characteristic A behaviors such as manipulation, control, or inability to function in a healthy relationship? Or was it like his sponsor told him-that I may have actually been attracted to that quality in him? I know in the beginning there was no physical attraction on my part at all, but in time it grew, I feel because of how he treated me, but maybe it was me seaking out the emotionally unavailable man again.
I just can't believe that as strong as I was, that I'm here again. Maybe I should never have walked away after EXAH and I split and I wouldn't be.......maybe the problem is really all me and all mine......I just don't know what to think but feel disappointed in myself TODAY for allowing it to happen again or for seaking it out.....
Any ESH would be awesome....
your friend in recovery shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
All I can say is take it easy on yourself and quit beating yourself up! What's done is done... move on from here. I used to think this too, I had nothing but A's from the time I left my parents except for one guy who I dumped because he was "boring" and had no ambition. LOL I used to ask the same question on here "is that all I can attract is A's and weirdos"? Now I have a great guy, no drugs, alcohol, smoking, etc. I can't say what I would do for sure if he had a problem but I'd like to think that I'd walk away because I can't live with active addiction and I refuse to put myself through that hell again. It hurts, and our hearts and minds do not let us leave in peace but time really does heal all wounds and we do become stronger by living through this. All you can do is put everything into yourself and being the best you can be, having fun in life, making friends and something about that becomes very attractive to others who are in the same space in life. You are fabulous! You have to really believe that (even if you don't ... lie to yourself!!! and it will become so eventually)!
First I have to add that you left your EXAH because he knocked the crap out of you, cheated on you, emotionally abused you, tore you down, stripped you of WHO you were, and made you live in a constant hell...
What "I FEEL" is the hang up with EXBF is this: My thoughts from knowing what "I" know, is that HE DIDN'T Do those things, he "At one time" Treated You lovingly, he made you smile, feel good about yourself, treated your son good, talked to you lovingly, appeared to care about your "Well being", went to the boys games, got involved in being and family and you had a Good Year that year... Nothing wrong with that... In knowing you... And your dating past, "That I know" You did cut and run at any sign of "A", but EXBF admitted his wrongs of being an A, and you excepted them because he was "In Recovery"... And well he wasn't abusive, verbally, phyically, and till the end... Emotionally... I can't answer weather "That End" was the True him or if the Beginning was... All I can say is this... You have NOT ALLOWED yourself to have feelings for ANY man... ANY... for 10 YEARS... Then when you do and it fails, you blame you, instead of "Well it just didn't work out"
Its a hard bump to swallow, it is a hard lesson to learn, but Like I had tried to tell you LONG ago... Not ALL Men are the EXAH or now the EXABF... I pray that you do not shut down on giving your heart to someone of worth, because (2) men were not what they appeared on the surface...I have known you for over 14 years, I didn't know the EXAH... GLAD FOR THAT...But I have gotten to know that YOU are worth fighting for... YOU are able to make this happen.. You don't give yourself enough credit for the hurdles you have Overcome in the past, and the feats that you have leaped over. And you didn't need EXABF for any of it and you still don't... All you need is YOU, and your Boy, and what ever it is that you want from this huge world of oppritunities...
Take it easy on yourself. you know I am will always be here if you need to chat, or scream or need a push to get you up and moving again, but i can tell you your happiness isn't in Him, but In Yourself... Remind me what your "God Box Says" I believe it is something along the lines of "Easy Does It :) Progress Not Profection:) One Day At a Time:) Keep It Simple:)" So...Open it up ....and give it away...(Maybe I should have gotton myself one two...lol..) You Got this... Just as you always have...
Patterns are hard to break. I know there are many many hooks that got me caught up with the A. I also know there were many things that kept me there. I address them one by one.
The fastest way to find out "HOW" is to do the steps and attend meetings. The purpose of Alanon is not just to learn how to deal with alcoholics, but moreso to discover yourSELF. It's a journey of self discovery with each step.
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Maybe this is an HP thing - perhaps HP is telling you that now that you've shed the abusers in your life it's time to stop abusing yourself. Call your sponsor, get to a meeting - take care of YOU.
Just a thought - take what you like and leave the rest.
Maybe this is an HP thing - perhaps HP is telling you that now that you've shed the abusers in your life it's time to stop abusing yourself. Call your sponsor, get to a meeting - take care of YOU.
Just a thought - take what you like and leave the rest.
hugs,
bg
i don't have a sponsor right now, but i got my therapist.....but i totally agree with this....call SOMEONE...or get to a meet.....i take care of ME...whatever it takes....when i am in "danger" zones i get my butt on the phone or visit a healthy mate...do SOMETHING to take care of ME..........i agree......and yea, this is just my take, too....use what you can and dump the rest....
