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I just saw the movie "he's just not that into you" and could relate to some stuff. Now I wonder can we still apply this to A's and sober A's or is that a whole other story? I wonder cuz what I'm getting is he's not into me at all. Makes me wanna run. Anyone else seen it and any comments?
I have seen this movie. I would say - No it's not applicable - simply because most of the time it has so little to do with our A's not really being INTO us - their disease prevents them from functioning in a healthy relationship, the same way our disease prevents us from developing healthy boundaries and clear sense of where you leave off and I begin. The root of the problem isn't simply just someone else "not feeling" another person in the whole "don't take it personal" thing - it's more along the lines of - "this person has a life threatening illness, a FAMILY disease that will come to affect you in ways you never even though of." I do think you touched on an important topic - the rejection we feel as a result of the disease. But I am SLOWLY learning it's not all about me. This is one of the hardest concepts for me to grasp, because I am hardwired to believe every little things is a rejection, OR is evidence that I am unloveable and unworthy - that I am a second class citizen. I always battle with equating my A's willingngess to recover with his love and affection for me - when to do is unproductive, not to mention unhealthy. In a sense it makes me responsible for his choices based on my own personal character defects/characteristics. Another a illusion of the mind for me - that if I was X,Y&Z HE would be THAT into me that he would have the williness to tackle his alcoholism and addiction and have a fabulous life of recovery with me. I think a more accurate application of a cliche would be - "It's not YOU, it's ME" because quite simply this IS true for both sides of the coin - us and our A's. Our struggles are internal.
I can remember how needy I would be when my A was out and active. I felt like I was slowly dying, crumbling. I was taking EVERY single word that was coming from a VERY, VERY sick individual and allowing it to determine my personal self worth, my mood and my feelings on life - every day. HE was my obsession of the mind. I was so incredibly attached that I couldn't possibly imagine a world where detachment was even possible. Even in dealing with my A' sobriety (just for today) I struggle with not being constantly in tune with his mood shifts and behavior changes. It only makes ME crazy. I really do owe it to myself to be as in touch with ME as is possible, even if it is NOT comfortable or easy.
You're not alone! Thank you for bringing up this topic, it was a good one and really nudged my mental gears in motion.
-- Edited by RunnerChick on Thursday 30th of April 2009 05:06:16 AM
I read the book after I left my AH almost three years ago now and it really helped me. Here's my take on it... The premise of the book is that you respect yourself enough to demand and expect a certain kind of treatment and you either get it or you move on. I have frequently heard that people treat you the way you expect and allow them to and I have definietly found this to be true. I don't think it applies to A's specifically but I sure think it applies to US!
For me a large part of my problem was living in a fantasy world where things were going to get better and he was going to change. The book addresses this as well although not specifically in relation to addiction. The problem is that you have to live in the real world which I wasn't doing for a very long time. I was either living on memory lane or in futureville but never in the now of this is how he is and how I am and what our life has become NOW. So yes I think the book/movie is helpful if you can think about it in a broad context and apply it to yourself and how you behave rather than the A and how they behave. Since I left the A I have met the most wonderful guy who treats me better than I have ever been treated in my life and I would settle for no less!
I continually have to come back its not their behavior its mine. The ex A showed many many red flags when I met him. I chose to ignore them. Certainly at the beginning of the relationship I was in a far better space to leave rather than in the middle of a committed relationship.
I continuously recommitted to someone who was not capable of a commitment at all.
"I can remember how needy I would be when my A was out and active. I felt like I was slowly dying, crumbling. I was taking EVERY single word that was coming from a VERY, VERY sick individual and allowing it to determine my personal self worth, my mood and my feelings on life - every day. HE was my obsession of the mind. I was so incredibly attached that I couldn't possibly imagine a world where detachment was even possible. Even in dealing with my A' sobriety (just for today) I struggle with not being constantly in tune with his mood shifts and behavior changes. It only makes ME crazy. I really do owe it to myself to be as in touch with ME as is possible, even if it is NOT comfortable or easy."
I think you just described me to a T! I'm working on the detachment, it's not something that comes naturally to me. That and setting boundaries!
