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After doing some much pondering today, I got to think'n about "Every" word of the Serenity prayer.. "Acceptance" made me stop and have a "Lightbulb" moment..
All my life growing up in an Alcoholic home, I realized that Acceptance is something that I struggle with, I have always wanted to be accepted for "Who" I was, but for some reason "Where" I came from, it wasn't always easy... I always seemed to feel like the "last" one picked for a team, the last one to be looked at in crawd, and I have noticed that feeling and needing that acceptance was something I always tryed to find.. And when I didn't, I found ANYthing & ANYone that would thro a bone my way... Sadly enough, that led me down a road of self distruction..I went out with any guy that would look my way, (lets just say alot looked) I would party till the cows come home, and I would try most things... At least Once...All in the name of Acceptance...
I really don't know WHY I did the things I did, the only inner answer I get when I question myself about it was.. I did it bacause no one was looking and I "Needed" to be accepted..
Just for today I am "Trying" to accept the past that is so dark and dreary... Honestly most of it, is a fog from the alcohol that I consumed at that time (from age 12-20)...I always had "blackouts", and heck, everyone else did it so I guess I just jumped on the family alcoholic ban wagon...Now trying to accept the things I can not change, that means that i have to somehow..Someway accept my Many Many Many "bad Choices" I made in my life, for I can not change them now...
And in trying to accept the things I can, I know I can change the NOW... Still again, How do I get past the way I treated "ME" then? How do I "Let it Go" when I know what I did... It was never that I hurt someone else, it was ALWAYS me... I would move mountains for others but my own self respect, was not there...I was treated badly by men because well that is what I thought I desirved, and it was ok.. So when I was 19 and got Raped I Still felt like I Desirved that..Because I was a wild child and well I thought I ask for it, in being so... I carried that dirty little secret in my head for about 7 years before I even told a Soul... And as you can see it is still there... How do I release these things and move forward in my recovery...Because that is the (1) Time the drugs wore off and I woke up... So who knows how many times if really happened, that I was unaware of...For that is the life I lived...The All Ugly Me...
I know that I have changed my life since my son, but that does not change my past for the ugly dark hole that I came from..Nothing can... How do you make a Mends with your self... How do release the constant thoughts in my head, the constant reminders when I see an X-Guy from my past, how do you hold your head up ... How do I answer the questions of "Why"... These are my struggles...
In digging up my "reasons" I keep finding more and more I don't want to remember, I keep findng more and more that I would love nothing more then to give to God and walk away, but they just don't go away.. How do I get to that place were I can "have the Wisdom" to know How TO..Let it Go, and move forward with my currant life...
So that is my thoughts for today, and I would LOVE Nothing more then INPUT on if anyone else has ever been here, and how did you get thru it and past it... How did you LET IT GO....
When I looked at all my deep dark secrets I too felt I could never forgive myself for the "past" I never realized that I judged myself by impossible standards and when I failed to live up to those standards I could not forgive myself.
Thank God for Al-Anon. It actually gave me permission to be an imperfect human being-just like everyone else. I was not so unique. I had many great qualities and some destructive baggage. I had to acknowledge the past-own it- talk about it in order to be set free. There are some painful things you are remembering so please be gentle with yourself. Feel the pain and talk about it. It will lift and you will be free.
You too will get there That is an Al Anon promise.
Joz: the door to the past is closed and locked. SOLID. No way to go back there- its not accessible in any way. ITS GONE and DONE. You did the best you could with what you had available at the time. You did the best you could, I know it.
What would be your response if the person you loved the most- your best friend, for example, came and said these exact words to you? I bet you would put your arm around her and hug her and say: "Its OK, that is all in the past, I love ya regardless! Tomorrow is a new day dawning, its going to be OK!"
Treat yourself as the golden precious daughter of God that you are- you are the best friend, the dearest person, the most valuable person in the world to yourself. The most respected.
Healing takes a really really long time. Go slow and go gentle. Try not to be a harsh judge of anyone or anything, especially yourself. Just try it- I know its difficult! Hugs, J.
What a great share Jozie! It is enlightening to dig into the past and see how far you've come. Remember though the past is just that.......the past........accept the things you can not change-the past. You have every right to hold your head up tall and proud. No one has any right to judge anyone else, we learn that here, so keep taking care of you and moving forward........
shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
