The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had an insight yesterday when I was doing a big cleaning project. I have spent my entire life reacting to others rather than doing for me. Practically every thought was about how I felt about others rather than how I felt about myself. I sought comfort from others and then over reacted to what ever they did for me or rather didn't do for me. I was not skilled at all in comforting myself (I tried).
I rarely think of the ex A anymore. I do try not to hold resentments against him but its hard going nevertheless his actions are no longer the sole focus of my day. I set goals and achieve them then move onto other goals.
((((Maresie)))) Thank you for the share. Much like you I have made my entire life-to this point-about taking care of everyone else and reacting to them, as opposed to taking care of me and my heart.
Comforting me is something I am just now learning to do, and that too, is a baby step process. I tend to feel guilty for doing things for me and need to get past that.
Your insight is great.......thanks for sharing
your friend in recovery shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
I sure understand that. I'm right there with you about reacting in childhood. It was always about my mom, how could I please her, entertain her, u name it. She was the sun & the moon for me. My everything.
It has only been in the last two years that I've worked hard on detachment, that I've gotten any at all. It started with boundaires & then some detachment came. I still long for my mother, the parent I once knew -- she seems lost to me now, inside of a person that has lost ambition & drive. My mom used to thrill me with the way she would go about things, now it's like she's just rolling over in life. But I have to seperate the woman I knew from the woman she is now. She doesnt express herself a lot, so I dont know why she has done this to herself. She does say she's unfulfilled, so I know she's unhappy.
I used to become depressed telepathically, I was so tuned into her. I have had to work hard to become unenmeshed with her. I have to forge ahead in my own life and actually have a life, of my own.
The codependency/reacting thing I see more now that I';m living with someone. I still see how I can be codie & not autonomous. I mean, it's better than I used to be, but some days any little thing & I'm feeling the reactions coming up. I guess that's progress, to feel the ideas coming in but not move with them. I do try to talk about the codie feelings & that helps most times. My b/f knows about my issues b/c I talk the man to death. And I see that my moods are very effected by my hormones too. Just being willing to have patience and be gentle with myself has made a difference.
I'm glad you had the realisation for yourself and you are able to set goals and achieve them, it';s very rewarding. I set very very small goals for me today, ones that I know I can achieve or are at least willing to try.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
My reactions vary and certainly are not just limited to my family. I used to think I was only dysfunctional in intimate relationships now I know I'm dysfunctional in all of them.
I can be perfectionistic, judgemental, feel less than, feel lost, feel out of touch with and always always feeling triggered by others on some level. It is very hard for me to stay on the straight and narrow all day.
I was never role-modeled self-care, that is for sure. All the adults around me growing up were miserable and I thought that is just what adults are- that is what it means to be an adult. So I became that, too. Not any more. Thanks to this program I do have all kinds of choices. Thanks to this program I have finally learned how to take care of myself and keep the focus on myself. Hugs, J.
I have been reading about reacting in the How Alanon Works book. The A's act and we react playing right into their hands so they can get into their disease and blame us. It says that we have choices. Wow, blew me away. I am tired of reacting. Looking at my choices.
