The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My fiance is a recovering drug addict/ alcoholic. He has been sober for about 4 years, until last week. He has not been to an AA meeting in about 6 months.
My fiance bought marijuana and brought it into our home. He offered me some, and I NEVER use drugs, and rarely drink. I do not personally have any problems with drugs or alcohol.
I guess I thought it might be fun to experiment with my fiance, so we smoked weed together. I have an experimental streak sometimes, and I did not realize the destruction that drugs would cause in my fiance's life.
Our "experiment" began 9 days ago, and he has been on something ever since. He takes one thing, then another, then another.
What in the world am I going to do? I don't know who to turn to or where to go. I can't talk to my family about this.
WELCOME TO THE MIP FAMILY.... You have made a big step already, and that is coming and posting and admitting your faults, at that moment... Now all you have to do is keep your focus on Yourself... We can not tell you what to do, but we can support your feelings, and share our experiances... You will find that you are NOT alone, and you have people here that know what you are going thru...
If I was you, I would find me a "F2F" Face to Face meeting, as soon as you could... There too you will find unbelievable help..I was told that i should attend (6) meetings, before I made my decission.. I was glad i did... I hope that you find that same goodness...
Keep Coming back... You will get were you need to be... Friends in Recovery Jozie
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this right now. I agree that the best thing for you to do for yourself is to find an Al-Anon Meeting in your are and go to it. And don't stop at just one. You may not like the first meeting you attend, so try another one. My first week of going to meetings, I went to 4 different ones to see which one I liked best - turns out I like 3 of them, so I continue to go to those 3 meetings every week (whenever possible).
You need to take care of yourself right now. As hard as it is, he is the one who has to take care of himself, there is nothing you can do for him.
It doesn't get easier from here. You have two choices; 1) stay with him and realize you cannot change him. Get yourself in al-anon. or 2) leave him and hopefully no codependent behaviors follow you along the way.
Prayers for you. you will be OK no matter which option you choose.
Aloha Mermaid...Face to face meetings will work wonders and welcome to MIP. MIP is not Al-Anon but alot of program is spoken and shared here.
I used with my alcoholic/addict...I made a buying run even...sat on the floor with her and some of her using friends, in a circle smoking weed, talking crap and listening to music I never ever put on my radio. LOL I drank with her, tried to teach her how to drink, was her "poster hero" for alcohol (I am also a recovering alcoholic) and finally had to just plain s t o p i t!! By the time I got into Al-Anon I was crazy as a coot and wasn't sure I was still on planet Earth. I know I wanted to get off of planet Earth and went to Al-Anon while I was waiting for the space ships to arrive and take me away.
If you listen to the sharing of experiences on this board you won't feel soooo bad about using with him. You're awake now and you can hear a different story and get suggestions that will save your sanity and life.
Mine? Get to as many meetings as you can over the next 90 days. Get and read as much literature from the meetings' literature table and listen to what is said in the meeting with an open mind. Learn the 12 steps and traditions. Learn the slogans and after 90 days ask yourself if you belong. If you don't belong you can pick up your miseries again and try something else...although I don't ever remember someone doing that including me. I stuck, stayed and found serenity.
You're not alone!!! I can understand the total punch in the stomach all of this MUST be and in NO way matches up with the future plans you had with this man - for a life and possibly a family. I understand the anxiety of now needing to make a choice about your future together and questioning what your next step should be. It is not easy - dealing with addiction and alcoholism IS hell on earth as someone else mentioned. Something that helped me tremendously when I first came to these rooms was to understand that OTHERS had been where I had been and that if I kept attending meetings I may just get a little of the serenity they have. I have witnessed individuals that because their personal programs are so strong can endure marriages to active drug addicts and alcoholics and can cope with son or daughter abusing alcohol or substances still in their homes. I was also told that I DIDN'T need to make a decision about the fate of my relationship today. It was possible to simply just sit with the information and process it. I didn't need to make any HUGE or final moves. I COULD simply learn how to cope with the NOW and eventually work towards making a decision for MY life that had my best interest at heart.
Don't feel bad for what you feel to be 'partaking' in his addiction/alcoholic activities. When my A first became clean from drugs and I knew so little about the other 12 step programs, I thought it was ok to drink with him simply because he was no longer active with drugs. He moved to Florida almost two years ago to attend a halfway house that he spent a year in. Shortly after his move, that absolutely rocked me to my core. He was plotting his next step from rehab and when he decided it was in his best interest to move to Florida instead of remaining in PA, I felt slapped across the face with absoultely not a care in the world for my feelings/wants/needs. Slowly I came to see that his survival depending on him putting himself and his recovery first. It has taken me awhile to accept that AND to learn to make my recovery function in the same way. Needless to say, about a month into his move, I took a small vacation before i went back to school - at the time I was in my last year of college- and we had a nice stay/visit. During this vacation, I seemed to thinking nothing of attending bars with him. I thought his main substance of choice was a drug, not a drink!!! I was really, really in the dark. They were both tied in together and one could lead to the other and vice versa. Months later I come to find out that his program views ANY substances as drugs, alcohol included. I felt so incredibly silly and angry and mad at myself. The truth was at that time if he cared about that stipulation of his program - if he UNDERSTOOD that there was a reason they tell you alcohol is a drug (IT IS for alcoholics and addicts!!!) that he wouldn't have chosen that first drink to begin with. He had his own free will and he could have chosen to abstain and explain the reasoning behind it, but instead he thought he could handle that aspect of his disease which he could not. The bottom line was that it wasn't my fault and my abstaining from the occasional drink would be ok for me. Be gentle with yourself during this time. It is not an easy one, but you are not alone.
-- Edited by RunnerChick on Thursday 30th of April 2009 05:08:41 AM
Don't feel bad for smoking pot with him. You are not the reason he is using, he has a disease. 1:4 people are addicts. Most ppl can partake & that's it, not another thought. Your A has gone out. But I would wager he already was "off the wagon" before he introduced the weed to you - so rest assured, it's not you. I would get to meetings, pick up their pamphlets, read & study them. Even if your A did get right back into recovery, it is vital that you are keen to their manipulative ways. My first husband was an addict & I had even been to alanon years previosuly. The disease is so insidious, that man worked on me for over a year, to get me used to his idiocyncrisies & lil ways. My personality is mutable, so I can change fairly easily & often would accomadate myself for any man that I liked. But where did that leave me? I was very confused and mad at myself for being so willing to bend. Now I make changes for me. My first husband blamed me for everything in his life, including his drug habits & his failures. If I had so much power, do u think I would've been watching him destroy himself? He used to blame the weather on me!
There is no rush in life. I used to be impatient, demanding & wanting everything right then. Life isnt like that. Forcing situations only made things worse for me. I hope you get to al-anon mtgs for yourself. You will learn about him but you will also learn about you.
I remember trying to "be a good example" for them. We can't do that either. It doesnt matter if we drink or not - they will justify & excuse their own way. We dont have to offer any excuses for them. Just focus on YOU and doing whatever you can for yourself today. It's all we really have.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Thanks to everyone on here for replying to me. Tonight, I told my fiance I wanted to go to an alanon meeting and he basically said it was garbage...a bunch of people desperately commiserating with each other. I was very insulted and he made me feel ashamed. I know he is the addict, but I am finding each day very, very challenging. I will get myself to a meeting this week, though, whether he likes it or not. Thanks again. All of you are EXTREMELY helpful.
I am so sorry he invalidated your feelings that way. It is common, I think, for the A's to say and do whatever they can to keep us performing the same function for their disease, whether it is participating in their denial - or some other enabling behavior we often are unaware of. I was told that when I took a stand FOR MYSELF. When I went AGAINST the denial and took steps to take care of ME, I would be dealing with a tremendous amount of backlash and boy was this true. He told me SO many things to keep me down, to keep me away - that anything I did to help myself was STUPID and pathetic and I should just 'leave him alone.' I know now that it was the disease talking. The disease is separate from the person themselves although not always detectable and it will say and do anything to keep others in their lives who provide some (even the slightest) bit of cushioning in their drinking/drug use. It's important to GO to meetings and stay close to the program during these times. I think we have all experienced the harsh words of our A's when we "Rock the boat" so to speak. It took me awhile to realize that everything I was doing- even tiny things- was allowing my A to continue functioning in his disease and to do so without the natural circumstances that would POSSIBLY allow him to hit rock bottom (which I know I cannot CONTROL) I know not to prevent a crisis but also not to provoke one. I know that active A's (even dry drunks, as well) will say whatever they can to keep you performing that role and function- as many hurtful things as it takes to KEEP us in that scared place where we do not change or upset the apple cart. I have always found this one of hte hardest things to learn to UNDO, this "Taking the A's words and comments" to heart aka detachment. When you are already beaten so low by this family disease, it's difficult to gain perspective. Alanon literature has EXCELLENT articles on detachment which I honestly think is the only way to learn how to deal with the A without losing your mind/last shred of sanity. THe more I came to learn in these rooms, the more I could no longer sit in the denial of watching someone do the same thing over and over again and drag me down with them, because THAT is absolutely WHERE I went. Even today, with my A in recovery - whatever that means for him- I fail more times than not at gaining perspective of my situation and being able to look at it objectively without the color of codpendency and MY disease. But your post and all the responses have reminded me how important Detachment is for MY recovery which in the end is all I really have.
Of course he said that! A's are master mainpulators. They work hard on us as enablers to get us right where they want us. He is happy doing what he's doing & of course he doesn't want u to change - he wants the status quo. He will desperately seek out what will allow him to stay in denial.
My exAH (ten years ago) said the same thing -- "don't go to al-anon, I dont want you talking about me w/ strangers." Funny how it's all about them, at least that's what they want you to believe so you will continue to make it easy for him to use.
You can always get to meetings online, here's the schedule:
Meeting schedule: Monday-Friday...9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10am, 9pm EST(newcomers)and 9pm EST, Sunday: 10am and 7pm EST. _____ UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.
Also, I sent you a private message.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
