The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH as I posted before, is in rehab. Last time he was in rehab, I was very involved in HIS recovery (this time I'm very involved in mine) and we he got out, we stayed together for a couple of weeks until he dumped me for some girl he met in rehab. I was devastated, still hurt from that a lot. This time I think is different, we are married, we have a daughter and I feel, we love each other, despite... well you know But still, I can't help to be afraid he's gonna dump me again. I've been reading Getting Them Sober and realized is a common fear we wifes of Alcoholics have, that we are gonna lose them if they change.
Well, I made a comment to m sister in law about this fear, and she lectured me in self love and why I wanted to be with my AH anyways, I should be the one thinking about dumping him and then asked me what was keeping me with him, was it love, fear of being alone,pity and a bunch of other options.
It made me feel bad. I don't know what is going to happen when my AH comes out of rehab, all I know is right know, today, I'm afraid. I know I have to work on that. I just wanted to share something with her since we are good friends. But again, I felt like a freak!!
I guess from now on, I'm not going to share my feelings with anyone except my Al-Anon friends.
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Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.
It's interesting, and it almost makes us sound like a "clique" or something, but it has also been my experience, that the results in sharing with others "outside of the program" has mixed results, at best... Your S-I-L may have had good intentions (or perhaps she did not), but the reality is that those outside of a basic understanding of Al-Anon, have a difficult time "helping us" in our pursuit of recovery.... That's not to say that they never do help - for me, I liked to bounce things off of my "non-recovery" friends, just for balance - but we can't always expect their full understanding....
You're NOT inadequate - far from it.... Remember the immortal words of Toby Rice Drews:
"Nobody has the right to tell you to leave your A, not even your counselor."
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I used to share a lot with my mother whom I was very very codie on. Over the years she tried to tell me that she couldn't take hearoing all of my realisations & insights - she was being codie, trying to take responsibility & blame for my issues. I always told her it wasn't about that but still I would talk to her. I finally realized about a year ago that this stuff is so deep & personal anyway, to just give her a break & not tell her about what I was going through in al-anon. She isnt interested in the program or therapy. It is better all the way around if I stick to other al-anons, as they truly understand what I'm talking about & going through in regards to becoming mentally healthy & that process.
There is nothing wrong with experiencing fear, we fear the unknown, it's natural. Just know that's what it is. I used to have fear & anxiety constantly ~ I was always projecting about the future & since it's completely unkown, it is scary. Breathe, go slow & know you will get through it.
Don't allow your sil to make u feel bad ~ you love your AH, naturally. Sometimes when we live with this disease we can get very unsympathetic & critical of the A's. That is easy, loving in spite of difficulties, is more difficult. I agree that you need to focus on you & love you. This is what I learned, that I had no idea what self love was. I always sacrificed myself for my A's & I was dying inside. I was so consumed by others, who was doing good things for me in my life? Sure wasn't me. That has changed now. I put myself at the top of my list, as a priortiy & began working to change. I still have a long way to go but I'm not depressed, isolated & self destructive anymore. Slowly I am developing good habits, even if I only stretch 20 minutes a day -- I am working on it. Eating better, sleeping well, lots of water, it all makes a difference. Be gentle with you, be kind & take your time. Recovery is a process that can't be rushed.
I'm glad you came here for support. Think fo something else youc an do that's good for you today & do it! Take care of YOU.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Of course you love him. I know for me, once I really got some program in me, I would say to others,"he has a disease, if he had brain cancer you would not ask me what makes me stay!"
He is your husband and you are not just taking it. I see you learning all you can to be able to understand the disease and the best way to deal with it.
People seem to be able to leave a marriage so easily. Good for you to stand firm, even after hard stuff!!
I know for me, I worked and worked at it until "I" knew I was done with it.
For me that was when I was sure he commited adultery.
Anyway glad you are here, you can talk to others who love you, like all of us, first you will find out the skills how. love,debilyn
yeah, I do not really share much with non al-anoners. I am a pretty private person anyway. I never shared much with anyone except my therapists and maybe my sister and a best friend. I just love my al-anon people: 1.) they know how to listen, 2.) they accept and do not judge, 3.) they love me no matter what, 4.) they really understand the heart of me. Who else would I prefer to talk to/would be better to talk with- I mean REALLY?! It doesn't get much better than that in human time/shape. The only one better to hash it all out with is HP. HA! Hugs, J.
I have learned this lesson also, I will only share with someone that understands what it is like to deal with an addict.
I confided in my good friend about my fears and stress with my AS, and like you I was made to feel small, then began the patting herself on the back for raising her kids NOT to be the way mine turned out.
That was it! I only talk now with people that have walked in my shoes.
This is such a common thing about sharing with people. I use to share with my sister about my program. Her husband is an A and is in denial. I had hoped by sharing with her that she would come into the program with me. WRONG! She said that she didn't need it b/c brother in law didn't have a problem. She made some remarks about me having all the time in the world b/c I didn't have any children, etc. She was lashing out. It hurt me. So now I no longer mention my program here. She can't understand why I still attend meetings because my beloved Tim is gone. I made the mistake of trying to explain it to her and well..... we'll just leave it at that. Enough said.
I have some very close friends who I share general things about. But this disease is hard to understand from the outside. I feel more comfortable talking about it here to my Alanon family. I'm a pretty private person as it is. This is where I come to share this side of my life. I'm so glad I have it.
The fear is common. They change. We change. What if they have only known us when they were not sober? Scary thought indeed. All we can do is work on our recovery. We can be loving and supportive of theirs without getting involved to the point where we forget about ours. Take a deep breath. Keep going to your meetings. I wish you both well on your recoveries. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I think you bring up an excellent point. When we share ourselves with our al anon friends, we're garenteed to get "the good stuff." People who haven't lived with the disease, or haven't had any experience with it don't understand how we've lived and how we've coped with such insanity. We get judged and our already wrung out souls get put into a blender. I think, with time, I've learned how to, with some tact, to tell people who aren't in al anon how I maintain a relationship with my parents. I think it does take time, making mistakes, and, yes, sticking my foot in my moulth from time to time. I still don't make it perfect any or all the time. I think, or I believe, that really, it's a work in progress, and a sponsor makes a huge difference. As I keep my sponsor posted on the ongoing drama, I don't need to broadcaset to the world how things are falling apart, or how the roller coaster is tossing me around again. If you haven't got a sponsor yet, I sure recommend one. They've saved my life god knows how many times.
