The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Sometimes I feel like I am doing this. Some days I am not comfortable with the way that I cope with my ALO's sobriety. Often times I find it nearly impossible not to have my stomach twisting in knots over the fact that his meeting attendance has lapsed. Don't get me wrong - I am NOT as crazy as I once was and MY PROGRAM has taught me how to cope with these situations but, should I, do I want to?
YES - this is NOT my business, but by the same token, it is HARD not to notice and it instills a deep fear in me that I am merely postponing the inevitable. Do I want to be involved with someone who is not totally and completely involved in AA/NA? Am I being too harsh by equating sobriety ONLY with one's attendance and involvement in his program?
He has been questioning his program lately which I think CAN be healthy to some extent just as long as he doesn't believe himself to be unstoppable and above the program. I think he feels compelled to "DO" all of these things that he is told he should do by his sponsor and that this creates a pressure on him to live up to this "perfect" member of the program. I keep trying to tell him he is too caught up in the black and white/all or nothing thinking that is very symptomatic of addicts (and myself included!) BUT since I try very hard not to point fingers unless I have examined myself first and foremost, I find myself biting my tongue allot.
I try to stay out of it as much as possible, but it becomes increasingly difficult as I question our future and the implications of him NOT being involved with or committed to HIS PROGRAM in the way that I seem to feel he SHOULD be.
I know in reality I have NO right or business even attempting to tell him how to work his program OR live his life, but I am inclined to believe I should be allowed SOME say if I am sharing a life with this individual. Is it not my right to want a relationship where I do NOT always need to be prepared for a relapse? Again, I am reminded that it is MY choice to remain in this relationship and the fact that I do stay makes me a willing participant. Potential relapse and its ramifications is something I have implicitly agreed to. Quite simply, there can NEVER be an US, without two healthy individuals both working their own programs. Admittedly, I am NOT the perfect program peep and I openly acknowledge this. I have my OWN personal struggle with self destructive behaviors (As we all do!) and CAN relate to the aggravation he feels towards these rules.
Things have been ok for us. For him, life seems to be looking up and he is happy and positive about the future but, his resistance to the program lately really worries me. I can't help but fear that eventually the other shoe will drop. I have committed myself to the fact that I will not do active addiction, but the HUGE space of uncertainty and worry for the future exists within me still. I am postponing an inevitable relapse and disappointment for myself? Can I manage my expectations enough NOT to have plans/dreams for a clean and sober future with this man? Can I just be in TODAY and be OKAY with that? I am confused and experiencing a bit of inner turmoil today.
Thank you for letting me share and any E, S&H is greatly appreciated.
I'm pretty new here and am still learning "the ropes" so to speak but as someone that is with a dry drunk, I can offer you a glance of what you have to look forward to if your A continues to stray from his program.
when I first met my A-bf he was very dedicated to his program. He went to meetings almost every night and lived the 12 steps. He even worked in a rehab for several years and sponsored others. when I met my bf he was also in the middle of a very hard personal time. He had a young son with his ex and just had a baby with a woman that turned out to be an emotional and mental nightmare. His ex-gf left him with all of the bills and he lost his apartment and car and job. He kept with his meetings though. he and I became friends as we clicked immediately. He started working two jobs (day and night) since the relationship with his daughters (the infant) mother fell apart and he had child support to pay (he also has an older son) There was no longer any time for meetings. AT this point he and I were dating. I felt that he needed to go to the meetings but at the same time thought "who am I to tell this man about a program I really know nothing about?" so I too, bit my tongue. I watched him descend into depression. Run around with other women (to which he always replied "we're just dating not committed") but if I was there for him 24/7 I didn't care, didn't love him, lied to him about supporting him. OH the guilt he heaped on me I started to actually believe. I started to see myself as a horrible, mean, unsupportive person.
This past October I finally had had enough and walked from him. He told me he loved me, that i was his soulmate, that he wanted me to be his gf to be committed to each other. He swore and begged and promised he would go to meetings and we would be together and happy. that i was the unconditional love of his life. And i fell for it all. Things were good for a while, meetings were made here and there. But he started the slippery slope again when he was out of work for 3 wks b/c of surgery and money became a major issue again. I found money to help him with rent when i hadn't paid my own, pay his car as my electric gets shut off...and all the while I'm mean, distant, selfish, always "starting with him" or picking a fight. He accuses me of changing, of not being the woman i used to be, that i used to help him and not expect a pat on the back and now I just throw my good deeds in his face. It has become unbearable. I cry every day. And this morning I awoke to "I can't do this anymore" I tell him that and i'm called the ugliest names you can imagine. He is self centered and judgemental, he is mean. He is not the man I fell in love with and in the process he has changed who I am. I know it's his desease. I love him, but I hate his disease and I can't let it run me anymore. all he has is excuses....he can't go to meetings bc he has to work b/c of all the kids he has. he should just give up and drink he says. I am ready again to walk away but this time I will not fall victim to the sweet talk and empty promises.
Please. Open your mouth, tell him he needs to go to meetings, tell him one day at a time and you two can do it together. If i knew then what I'd be going through now I would have said something, I would have joined Al Anon sooner and learned and understood. I would have done alot more than enable him to get here. and I wouldn't have a broken heart now.
I wish you the best.
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"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
Sounds like you are seeing the relapse as it happens. Relapse takes days, weeks, months. It doesn't just "happen".
And to be sure, you will never ever be guareenteed that he will not relapse, working the program to the best of your ability or not. He could be going to meetings all day every day, have a great sponser and be doing exactly what YOU tell him to and still relapse.
He is not there to make you feel comfortable with his disease. That's not his job. And trying to make him responsible for your serenity isn't working so far is it?
Best you can do is focus on you and what you can change and take a good long look at if you really want to live like this.
Personally, I woke up every day and made a decision to stay married. I did that for months until he relapsed and that was the 7th and final time I left. I left without anger or spite. I left because it was best for me and I hoped what was best for him.
You sound like you have answered your own questions in this post but you are looking for someone to tell you you are NOT seeing what you are seeing.
Good luck, search your heart and keep coming back.
This Too Will Pass... I know that feeling of "Not Knowing" and with me it is More along the line of "Not having the control" I am Soooo Use to having in my life and the lives of those around me... Letting Go & Letting God has been a STRONG Step for me, I can not control the "A" and I am NOT Responsible for his/her recovery...And have to remind myself daily of those things...
I can't tell you what you should do, All I can say is this: If you have a F2F meeting... "Get to Get'n" they will help you work this out so that you can move forward in YOUR Recovery, and let go of the fact that he is lacking in his... Only you can make the decission as to weather you stay were you are or you go, but finding Peace Within You can be done weather he chooses to recover or not... You just have to have faith that YOU CAN go One Day at a Time, and for me right now it is more like ONE MOMENT... But it works and I am sticking to it...
You are your own leader... Take the reins and leave him adjust his own...Keep Coming back, Posting your thoughts and sharing your ups and downs... You will see that your stomach will not Knot up as Much, and you will find a calmer way to handle your inner demons...
I will you well on your recovery... Keep up the good work .... It works if you work it.... Easy Does it...
Take what you like and leave the rest... Friends In Recovery' Jozie
I got into your post and my stomach started to sympathize with yours...after all this time it still feels ugly!! My experience is that you are not participating in his possible relapse but your own. I read you say I know "BUT" and I am reminded of early program where the fellowship taught me that when I used that word eveything I said before it didn't matter and had no value. "I know but..." I was giving myself reasons to get away from what I know and a justification to do something that never worked. Relapse!!
He has a Higher Power...you are not it. He has a sponsor and again...you are not it. He has a program...and it was not written by yourself. It was put together by alcoholics and then alcoholic/addicts who know what it's like and what it takes to get sober and clean and stay sober and clean no matter how crazy that looks to other people (such as us). When I learned how to turn my alcoholic wife over to the care of God as I understand God I dropped the pronoun "I" from my conversations regarding her recovery. I had little time there after to practice a better focus on my own insane enabling thoughts, feelings, spirit and behaviors.
My feedback is that you are at your own 1st step thru 3rd step and have a very good opportunity to learn more about detachment.
"Is it not my right to want a relationship where I do NOT always need to be prepared for a relapse?" - runner chick
As I understand it, dry or actually in sobriety, this is the reality. We all slip & it is how we grow, learn & determine that our lives are better when we use the program. Some A's never get sobriety. All we can do IS focus on us, our programs & our HP's. You said, "Can I just be in TODAY and be OKAY with that?". I can tell you that once I got out of yesterday & tomorrow, out of other people's issues, heads and programs -- I stopped obsessing, which I thought I would never actually be able to achieve. That was a miracle in itself. Once I got there, I got busy on getting focused on each moment as I was living it. Then another miracle happened -- I experienced true joy again for the first time in nearly thirty years. I realized the secret to having a happy life was to be in this moment and the present. It frees you up to be able to not only live your life & enjoy each moment but I got a stillness, a calm b/c I stopped playing the past hurts over & over and I quit projecting and obsessing about the things I was fearing the most. I got focused on what can I do for me today & got busy doing those things. I also realized that whatever it is we think about, grows. Even in our subconscious, so I got busy focsuing on what I want. I want to get mentally helathy & have a strong program, I wanted happiness/peace. I got busy working on that. I focus on *me* and gratitude.
I know the temptation to baby sit your A's program is there. Of couse we want them to succeed, not only for them but for us too. But when we hover & get desperate in our hopes that they won't fail, we are sort of projecting exactly what we don't want. Our A's sense our feelings too & it adds pressure to them. Best thing you can do for your A to have a good program, is to focus on yours. We are the only ones we can control or change anyway & we can appreciate our own hard work, when we do it. It's also helped me learn even more about detachment. By working on me, I am detaching from other's whom I focused on so desperately in the past.
At first I did feel very powerless but once I got busy on self, I realized I had a lot more power than initially thought, I had a lot of power over me & I began to feel hope.
The truth is tomorrow is an illusion, today is realtiy, today is all we really have.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Good stuff here guys. No, GREAT stuff. ALOT of what I needed to hear and almost the push I need to get away from behind this computer screen and keep trying more FACE to FACE meetings. I recently (or not recently, really - ALMOST a year!!) moved to Florida and away from an amazing group of meetings in Philadelphia. I have tried several here already and they just haven't been the HOME group I am looking for. It's amazing how when it comes time to PRACTICE the principles of the program, how your body can respond as it has in the past - the anxiety, tension - the racing thoughts and nearly automatic codependent behaviors.
"He is not there to make you feel comfortable with his disease. That's not his job. And trying to make him responsible for your serenity isn't working so far is it?"
--- This is priceless, truly. He ISN'T there to make me feel comfortable with his recovery, yet somehow, I almost inadvertently expect this to happen? Thanks for calling me on this one.
"...and with me it is More along the line of "Not having the control" I am Soooo Use to having in my life and the lives of those around me... Letting Go & Letting God has been a STRONG Step for me, I can not control the "A" and I am NOT Responsible for his/her recovery...And have to remind myself daily of those things..."
----YES, for me it is ABSOLUTELY about not having the control over his recovery. Someone once posed the situation to me like this -- we invest in these individuals, love, time, attention, sacrifices and so we want to know our investment wasn't a bad one. I really feel as though this is true for me. I don't want this investment to be a bad one, but at times I live in FEAR that it is. I must come to peace with my decisions.
"I had little time there after to practice a better focus on my own insane enabling thoughts, feelings, spirit and behaviors."
--- It's the practicing that seems to frustrate me to no end. After all this time - all the things I KNOW from the program - it still seems that I continue to control and cannot seem to participate in the 'letting go' and 'turning over.' Why do I think that I know better than God?
For me Rchick, I used and use the analogy of I may not like the river flowing the way it goes, but in no way can I control it. It could flood! It could tear down the sides of the river and trees could fall down.
I can no more do anything about my A's aism than control that river.
So I stopped wondering where he was, if he would relapse, was he lieing.
Being married to an A I knew I would not have security as far as him in any sense. I had my own money, vehicle, home etc. I protected me and him really too.
This was after the major loss of a lot.
It also taught me I don't have control over anyone but me. It is a great skill. I never say you should do this or that.
Great questions! And now that you are really looking at them, you will find answers!love,debilyn
RunnerChick---I'm from Philadelphia! Small world. Hope you find the f2f group you're looking for down in Florida! Or....we could come to you!! haha meetings on the beach!! :)
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"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
