The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It has been awhile since my last post, It has been two months since i left my ex/bf and the life i could not handle any longer. His alcoholism and the fact that drugs (crack) had now entered the picture was way to much for me to deal with. Before leaving there was alot of verbal abuse and was becoming violent as you can see in the last post. So now i am trying so hard to put my life back on track again for about the fourth time. I have gone through it all for the past 8 yrs, wasted my life given so much and yes lost alot, not only material things, but jobs health insurance and i guess i even lost myself along the way. My care and concern for this person and the fact that i tried and waited for eight years for things to change, believed when he told me each time things will change, please don't leave..so i stayed and stayed and waited and waited. till that day came after i found out about the new addiction to crack and his new behaviors, I decided no matter what my heart said, i need to get out for me, away from the bahaviors that go with bipolor and not medicated for it, alcholism and now drugs. Since i left he has left messages with my sister for me to call him, that i said i would maybe come back..I knew in my heart i couldn't do that. I can't believe that his mind is so gone that he actaully thinks this, shows how much he cares about anyone other than himself, he cannoty handle being alone and i guess i have been the solution for that, My niece went over to at least take some of the things i had to leave, as i moved out of the state far away, so i have no chance of running into him. and she told me how bad he looked and how messy the place was, he lost alot of weight..etc. I know in my heart that he will die sson if he doesn't take advantage of the help that is offered. I seem to still be feeling this quilt i guess, worrying about him etc, i can't call and think that would be a big mistake as he would once again beg, promise and accuse me of doing this to him, after all we have been through.I have tought of just writing a letter from my heart and telling him all i have been put through and all the terrible verbully abusive and downright nasty things he has said to me... i don't believe it was ever love nor that he can even have a clue what that is, i was a caretaker and someone to be there so he is not lonely and the hell with what i had to go through to do that.So after all that has happened why in the heck would i feel this still and care???????? my nature i guess, i just want to get past this and forget the past and move on and am just having the hardest time dealing with it all....anyway thank you all for listening.....any suggestions or similar stories appreciated. M
A time comes in your life when you finally get it... when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.
This is your awakening. You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change... or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon.
You come to terms with the fact that neither of you is Prince Charming or Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you... and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are ... and that's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions. And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself... and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.
You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.
You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself... and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.
You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties.... and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.
You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche.
And you begin to sift through all the junk you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, what you should do for a living, how much money you should make, what you should drive, how and where you should live, who you should marry, the importance of having and raising children, and what you owe your parents, family, and friends.
You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with ... and in the process you learn to go with your instincts.
You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.
You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.
You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.
You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. And you learn that alone does not mean lonely. You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.
You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK.... and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things you want... and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.
You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less.
And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise.
You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.
You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve... and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance.
You also learn that no one can do it all alone...and that it's OK to risk asking for help. You learn the only thing you must truly fear is the greatest robber baron of all: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.
And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things.
You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state -- the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.
You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.
Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire.
And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
Finally, with courage in your heart and God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.
oh boy do i know what you are going through here's a huge hug although i know it isn't going to make the feelings go away!! i will share my story in the hopes you will not feel alone and maybe we can encourage each other to change our ideas of what strong is!? i was engaged to an alcoholic for 10 years, left 3 times for a year or so but always came back he was verbally, psychologically, emotionally and physically abusive i stayed because i felt i was strong and healthy enough to influence him i thought that if i allowed him to get the "ugliness of his childhood" out on me that and if i never truly abandoned him (like his mom) that eventually he would realize that he was loved and love me like crazy in return that was a misunderstanding of love on my part that the devotion of one person could replace the lack of devotion by a primary caregiver in childhood also, i recognize that i was taking a risky bet that if i tolerated bad behavior he would be loyal to me in return doesn't work that way! i had a good childhood and was doing well in life so i thought i should pull someone else up who needed love plus i saw so much potential in him another reason i was stuck is that i couldn't understand why my approach wasn't working! how could love and loyalty not fix his problems i still don't get it! but after recently ending a 6 week relationship with a second abusive alcoholic, i have realized a few things my definition of strong was really wrong i thought tolerating bad behavior was loving and that i was strong for being abused but being a "soldier of love" my attitude was that he didn't mean it, he's just hurting i had this belief that eventually i would be rewarded for tolerance NOPE! strong is when you make difficult decisions to keep YOURSELF healthy it goes against how our society teaches us but we cannot always reach out to others we cannot reach out to others when it will be harmful to ourselves i realize this in my past relationship because all of my friends and family were bearing the weight of my emotional upsets it was a ripple effect his life was run by fear and by participating in a relationship with him, my life was run by his fear which activated my fear, i needed support and by reaching out (beyond alanon) i spread this fear to my loved ones i realized i have boundary issues like i have no boundaries!! i offer myself as an emotional dumping ground in exchange for a love relationship thinking that intensity of emotions, chaos/passion, entanglement, desperation, and neediness, jealousy are love but that is just an old association i have made with love now i realize that love is a state that i can exist in all by myself and if i can create a strong energy of self-love and strength, my own life will be fuller and my boundaries will be valid and i will be able to say to the addict "even by sacrificing my health and energy, i will not be able to make you feel whole" they know they are tearing us down and it makes them feel guilty, etc we who care about addicts must be strong enough to walk away (if it is right for us) and life a full good life then we can give back to the community from a place of wholeness it's not the buddy system, it's so hard for me to believe it and to let go of my bf, but it's like a drowning person they could accidently kill you while you are trying to help them for me leaving is a case of "i don't really want to but apparenlty i have to"
