The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
AH went to emergency room yesterday because of multiple symptoms of liver failure and detox. He is 36 years old and has been heavy drinker for at least 15-20 years (drug use from 14 - 18 years old too). The docs yesterday told him if he does not stop he will be dead in 6 months. They have him on major benzodiazepines (librium and ativan, plus the vitamins - multi, thiamine, folic acid).
He has called me throughout the night in a paranoid panic that the nurses won't let him move around, they are keeping him on a heart monitor - I get to watch for seizure or heart activity??? I am assuming this paranoia is part of the withdrawal, but I am also scared his brain is so affected already, that it will remain. OMG... is this forever?
I don't know how much to step in and talk to the doctors and nurses. Clearly he is not in a state to ask questions, and if this were any other major illness a spouse would be asking anything and everything to help out. By asking questions, am I interfering, not detaching, being co-dependent. I am so confused. Do I stay with him at the hospital, do I leave him alone, do I take the paranoid phone calls in the middle of the night????
He is not yet in a rehab facility, but a regular hospital on the telemetry floor.
You say your AH (alcoholic husband) is there ~ what is wrong with asking questions of the doctors, don't you have a right to know? I'm not sure how asking questions is enabling, I think I'd ask the doctors every thing I could think of. As far as visiting him & stuff, what do u want to do & what are you willing to do? I think you need to do what is right for you, whatever that is. It does sound pretty serious. Maybe the doctors will help clear up some of your confusion if you talk to them. At least you could get more information, might give you insight on how you may wish to handle your AH.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I agree with Kitty. I don't think asking questions and being concerned is being co-dependent. We are only human, and is the normal reaction to be worried and want to know more in a situation like this. Do what feels right for you. Don't do what you feel is too much.
Keep us posted please.
__________________
Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.
i hear that you are in an intensely emotional and frightening place and that your alanon teachings may not have prepared you for this type of crisis it's very difficult to access our inner wisdom when our emotions are so involved and when the outer environment is so serious and frightening i agree with the previous messages that asking questions of the doctors, etc is not crossing boundaries but maybe you feel that so much knowledge is a burden and that is a sign that you don't have to take on the responsibility of his physical health you still can't improve his life and failing health is the consequence that we all live in fear of (and jail) you don't have any more or less power to control this situation than any that have come before this you still need to keep up with your life, your responsibilities keep up with your self-care and make sure you take time for yourself
i believe God has a larger plan for us and we partners of A's are observers i think we are to use knowledge of the horrifying things A's experience to be better humans ourselves we cannot save them but we can be strong and available to them as role models
i just left my Abf via a restraining order and i still have a strong residual and erroneous belief that "i could have ..." and it wouldn't have happened
it doesn't make sense but as i have experienced no amount of love, support or sacrifice will ever replace their unhealthy cycles only until they see their way out will they be able to receive all the love and support that is waiting for them
in the meantime, those of us who love and share relationships with A's must fight like the devil to avoid being drained of the good feelings, relationships and fortune that God has given us that we are so fortunate to be able to perceive
try to recognize the greatness of God's hand and the comparable smallness of your ability to fix it you didn't create this, we may never know why this disease is so rampant and you cannot control it you cannot eleviate his paranoia, desire to drink or physical pain take some quiet time maybe after a meeting to establish your boundaries and stick to them
i know this is sort of a hard angle i am taking in this letter i really wish i could sit with you in the waiting room and listen to you and hold your hand or give you a hug keep searching for peace and serenity you are in my thoughts and prayers
Welcome to the MIP family. Here you will find great experience, hope, strength, wisdom and humor (good for the ).
There is nothing wrong with asking the doctors questions. Your his wife, you have the right to know about his physical condition. Knowledge is power. The more you know the better. I know this is all so overwhelming for you. While he is in the hospital see if there are some Alanon meetings near by. You can't stay with him 24 hours. There are people who have been right where you are. You will need you program now more than ever. I hope all works out for you. If you feel like taking his calls in the middle of the night do so. Only you know what is right for you. Please keep coming back to us. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--the cat
-- Edited by Karilynn on Tuesday 28th of April 2009 11:15:35 AM
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Your AH is major medical crisis. Who cares about the why. He didn't chose to go into liver failure at age 36. So, if it were me, I would be there advocating my butt off for my AH. I would be talking to every Dr, nurse and social worker. In the end, your AH may opt to go back out drinking, as mine did immediatly after his medical crisis. But to this day, I am comfortable and serene in the fact that I did exactly what I felt I should and I wanted to at the time.
It's up to you. Enabling is not the same as caring, loving or helping someone we love.
Hello Andi , boy your taking me down memory lane with this post . I have been where your at , twice actually. My husb detoxed at home ,( be grateful he is in hopital where he will get all the proffessional care he needs ). The body is an amazing thing how fast it can heal itself -- by all means visit him in hospital he needs to know your there , but remember to take care of yourself in the process you need your sleep too. Paranoia is normal when stopping , seizures are normal , halucinations are normal , I hope your attending f2f meetings for yourself , your going to need support from people who understand , and we need to stay out of thier face and off thier back so they can recover thier way not the way WE think they should . get busy in al anon and u won't have time to notice what he is or isn't doing . I truly hope this is the bottom for your husband and wish him luck in sobriety , early sobriety is tough on everyone involved , leave him to AA and God and let Al-Anon take care of you . thinking of you today Louise
You are the new comer and when I was a new comer I was frightened. I didn't know anything and I didn't know that I didn't know anything. Life was crazy and I was spinning and so was my alcoholic wife.
You have found support for yourself and your young alcoholic is in the hospital dealing with the progressiveness of the disease of alcoholism which is not cureable. It can be arrested by total abstinence and if he doesn't arrest his drinking he will continue to suffer the insanity of it and die. The doctors and nurses already know what they are dealing with. This is not a rare condition...this is alcoholism and it is affecting us, you and millions of others just like us. You are within family right now. To some degree or more we know where you are at, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Stay here with MIP family and listen for our suggestions as to what we learned and what we did that works.
What might work for your alcoholic would also be a visit or visits from recovering alcoholics in your area who make "12 steps calls". If you call the AA hotline (in the white pages of your telephone book) you can ask if they have some people available to go talk with your alcoholic husband in the hospital. I pray that they do. That is what works and how AA started. It may work...it may not. The call is free. Lots of miracles are.
I ask my HP to facilitate this. Try the phone call or ask your alcoholic husband if he can get the phone, to make the call for himself. Maybe the doctors might.
In any case let me introduce you to the first three of the 12 steps of the Al-Anon and AA programs; 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanagable. 2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could lead us to sanity. 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our life over to the care of God as we understand Him. These will help you thru the crazies...for now.
Keep coming back you have found what has worked for millions of friends, realtive, spouses and associates of alcoholics.
I recently did a home detox with my 32 yr old son.
Your husband is in a safe place in hospital where he will be monitored and medicated. Paranoia is part of the withdrawal as are seizures and delirium tremens ( shakes and hallucinations) The worst usually passes in 2 to 3 days.
During my son's detox I was in constant contact with our family Dr. Ask the professionals what you feel comfortable with asking.... Use this time to strengthen yourself, find a face2face Alanon meeting, get the support you need.
Hospitals usually have an AA link for your hubby and even meetings on the premises maybe the medical team will advise him of this.
Keep coming back There's lots of ES&H (experience strength and hope) here at MIP....I know for sure that it helps me every day!
Thank you all for your sharing and wisdom... after seeing him again this morning, while I am still extremely frightened, I am calmer. He has a great nurse who is understanding yet tough. She is working with both of us to give us any detail she has. I asked for his labwork and test results too. I know now all the meds and vitamins they are giving him and why. The future is very uncertain and I am trying to live "just for today".
I know there is a F2F meeting tonight close to the hospital (at 7:00 pm) but it will mean leaving his side to attend. It is probably a good thing. He has been sleeping most of the day and doesn't have a lot of concept of time.
Jerry --- thank you for the suggestion about the AA calls. I will try that. He had been to some AA meetings in the last few months even though he wasn't ready to quit.
Ness --- it's good to know that hopefully after a few days some of the symptoms will taper off (at least for now).
Scary stuff isn't it? Everyone's detox is different. My husband hallucinated for 3 days and nights along with all the other things associated with detox. He then had problems with his liver processing potassium (given to him along w/other vitamins) and ended up back in the hospital again. I wondered if he would ever be "normal" too. It took 4 months for him to be able to go back to work. It can do unbelievable things to their brain and body. Their body is used to having the alcohol and when they don't it revolts in every manner possible. Since my husband's liver wasn't working correctly there was a buildup of toxins in the brain. There were times I thought drinking was better then what he went through. The good news is we survived it and he is over 3 yrs. sober.
He twisted his back somehow while he was there and they were giving him Vicodin. I did h ask that they put him on something that was less addictive then Vicodin. He started asking for them every 3 seconds, so it is important to be involved and know what meds he is taking and watch for complications. I never would have thought there could be a problem with vitamins but the potassium caused a huge setback.
I know it's hard to put yourself first while this is going on but now is the best time.
Keep coming back, Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Yes I have been where you are. Being his wife it is extremely important that you are very informed.
In my experience I had to make major decisions for my husband and bil.
Liver issues are very serious. Our liver has so many functions. A major one being making our blood clot. That is why they will be very careful about an iv etc. Be very careful when you touch him. This is more if he is very compromised.
I don't know how compromised he is, but even medication which has to go thru the liver is hard on them.
It is not enabling to be involved in knowing his condition and how it affects him. He is not in control of this at all. He has a terrible disease he never chose.
I stayed with my first husband the whole time in the hospital and my bil too. No wa was I leaving. I loved them both very much.
I took notes hon. That might help you. Also usually the hospital has computers you can use to look up and learn about his condition and or email etc. There is a cafeteria that you can always go to also. I washed up in the waiting room br. Brought a pillow and needs and slept in the w. room or on a chair etc in his room.
I am one who wants no regrets. I do what my gut says.
Sending you so much love. Make sure you drink lots of water, eat well and rest. You want to be a strong as you can. It is very taxing.
OG honey, please don't quit on yourself. You handled this expertly. You have every right to be frightened, hurt, angry, whatever you need to be. Please keep coming back, please keep us posted--I tink you're gonna be a valuble al anon member.
Sounds very challenging. The ex A who I was with often upped the demands when he was in crisis. I know I always jumped and felt like it was my only role in life to take care of him. For me that was a huge mistake. I felt like he was always on the verge of getting sober when the reality was he had no intention of ever getting there.
I was going through a very similar situation right after Christmas. My A-BF has end stage alcoholic liver disease, he's 26 years old. He was hospitalized for 10 days due to complications with cirrhosis and while detoxing they kept him in the ICU. They were only able to gave him Ativan because that's all his liver could handle. I was there with him everyday and stayed with him every night. The detox process was the most horrific thing I've ever witnessed. If you have any questions, or just want to talk, drop me a line.
We are home --- now 72 hours in detox. AH last tests showed severe liver failure and gallbladder disease (from "sludge" in bile ducts and gallbladder). He seems still very confused. We are to contact our insurance depts. behavioral health dept as soon as they open to go for assessment for rehab. God I hope he does it and hoping for inpatient as outpatient is scary for all of us. But I know I am not in control, what will be will be.
He has been lashing out at me and it is very tough not to take it personally. I have found myself getting angry but am really trying to stop, detach, and remember it's not about me, he is not angry with me, just messed up in the brain, sad, angry, feeling guilty, depressed...
They sent him home with Librium (tapering over 5 days), Xanax (this is the scary one to me), magnesium sulfate, potassium, folic acid and multivitamin. His potassium and magnesium have been very low.
). 
The more you know the better. I know this is all so overwhelming for you. While he is in the hospital see if there are some Alanon meetings near by. You can't stay with him 24 hours. There are people who have been right where you are. You will need you program now more than ever. I hope all works out for you. If you feel like taking his calls in the middle of the night do so. Only you know what is right for you. Please keep coming back to us. Love and blessings to you and your family.
