The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I ask because, I've been this way for as long as I can remember. My first boyfriend emotionally abused me for 4 years and I went from relationship to relationship and can only recall ONE that the guy didn't drink.
Interestingly neither of my parents drank. My father is however a dry drunk, and the epitome of anger.
My husband is 4 months dry drunk, cheated on me, and the day I found out, he stopped drinking. He's haphazzardly going to AA.
So-personal history stated-past and present - NOW I notice my 5 year old daughter, the oldest of her two siblings, extremely controlling, and manipulative to get everyone to do what she wants. She does a lot to get attention, which we try to give, but with three close to the same age, it can be difficult.
My biggest fear is repeating history. Why should my daughter suffer for my bad choices? Why should any of my kids? I just notice SO much of my "crazy behavior" in her and I'm wondering if we've created it? She competes with two boys and holds her own, but she also is on top of everything. She is the organized one, she will always DO for someone else...Am I creating ANOTHER CO-DEPENDENT in my family?
As you heal your self you will heal your children, they will see you changing and want to be just like you.. Calm and with Serenity... It can be past down I feel, only because My Mom is STILL a co-dependant, even tho she devorced my Afather 27 years ago, she managed to land herself another A... I have learned since the program that YEs I am a Co-depentant, and I got it from looking up to my mom, and watching how she reacts to the "A's"... I know that now, and chose to change it, in hopes I can save my 11 year old son from being like that as well... NOT EASY... But Progress not Profection is were I need to be right now, One Moment at A Time...
Keep taking care of you, and keep putting yourself on the "To DO" list... Once your children see you loving yourself, they will love themselves as well... It is how you handle your outcome... You have control... You see what you felt was a wrong choice since you started working your program... Just keep up the Good work, and the rest will work its self out...
Take what you like and leave the rest.... Friends in Recovery :) Love & prayers Jozie
Hello In Pain, I think I have been co-dependent since I coud before I could walk. Honestly! I am an only child and I think my main objective in life was to please my dad. To be a big girl and take care of myself and to be a shining star in others eyes. And you know what???? He was the best person I have ever known and I did please him! All of the lucky 17 years I had with him. He was taken from me 20 years ago when I was 17 and he only 37. After he died, I had to take care of myself. And somewhere along the way, I thought I also had to take care of other people around me. Usually sick people. Single moms, jobless friends & alcholic boyfriends. Their illnesses were contageious...........look at me know! I am broken from the heartaches of their dramas. I am trying to be CO DEPENDENT NO MORE!! Sincerely, Tonya
Co-dependent is another term for being dysfunctionally giving, helpful or supportive. It is terminology used to describe human behavior that often is seen as inappropriate in some form or another at diffrent times. Early Al-Anon use to use the term "enabling" behavior before treatment terminology such as Co-Dependent and/or Co-Alcoholic came into use. Enabling is much easier to spot and describe. "Any behavior that actually makes an unacceptable situation more so. It is profoundly puzzling as the user seems to get the opposite of what they are expecting."
The alcoholic/addict is dependant on their chemicals...does that mean the co-dependant is also? Chances are your child(ren) will be images of yourself because they are human, some are same gender, and all live in the same world or environment.
I am not perfect, my children are not perfect and my grand-children are not perfect. Acceptance works well as a recovery tool. It eases a lot of pain.
Are you actually hearing what you are saying???? Fact is, little girls are often manipulative and most of them want their own way. They run circles around little boys; physically and mentally at that age. Her behavior is a rite of passage for a little girl. Relax. Don't jump overboard with the word, "co-dependent". She is a child. Let her be that without hanging a label on her that she does not deserve.
Diva
-- Edited by Diva on Tuesday 28th of April 2009 08:19:18 AM
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Once I got the book, 12 Steps for Adult Children my Al-Anon program began making much more sense. It helped me go through my feelings and actually decipher & understand them. Since you grew up acoa too, this will probably really help you as well. I think if there is anything being passed down, it will happen daily in your life. If you change your behavior & coping skills, you will be able to be healthy for your kids now & on a daily basis.
The thought of passing this disease down is in my mind lately as I am hoping to have kids in the next few years. My mom was the child of an physically abusive Amom & she is codie all the way. Inevitably I learned to be codie from her, trying my harddest to emulate her. I am also working hard on self-love too as I felt my mom wasn't able to tell me what that was or how to do it ~ that it is basic for self-preservation.
I hope that if & when I have kids, they will see me operating in a healthy way and that will show them how to be heatlhy & they will naturally emulate that.
Focus & work on you. Since your kids are very young, I'm thinking that will take care of your concern.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
