The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I find myself today in a mild struggle with myself. I am working really hard on letting go of things I can not control but sometimes I get so very frustrated. I realize that it is not people that disappoint me but my expectations of them that cause the disappointment. I have two brothers, both older than me. At one point in time my brother, younger of the two and I were VERY CLOSE, he was the father I never had and my protector. Then came the day I found out that he had known for quite some time that my EXAH was cheating on me, and never told me, because he too, was running around on his wife at the time. I was more hurt than ever in my life, and our relationship has never been rebuilt. I can not get past the deliberate and knowing hurt he let me go through to protect himself. And had it not been for my older brother, who insisted that we bury the hatched, while at his wife's funeral, I doubt we would be speaking at all. My older brother and I have never been close, as there is almost an 18 yr age difference. He was pretty much grown when I was born. He is one of the moodiest men I think God ever made. What I struggle with is that neither of my brother's seem to stop and think when it comes to our elderly, disabled mother. Our mother who is 71, lives in a mobile home, with COPD, asthma and emphasema and struggles to breath on a regular basis. She uses a walker to get from place to place and can barely stand on her own. Now the past 3 days have been hot here, and here is my mom in a trailor gasping for air when she called me last night, because her A/C is at my older brother's place. Had it been put where I could have gotton to it, it would have been put in BEFORE the EXPECTED increase in temperatures, but it wasn't. What irritates me the most is that my brother RELEGIOUSLY WATCHES the weather channel, so he knew it was going to be hot. Then he TEXTS me yesterday, the day after I sent a message to my SIL to tell him the ac needed put in and tells me his blood count is still up (he has been sick) and he still can't be around our mother which I more than understand and maybe I can help my SIL put it in tomorow-which is now today. Now again, let's think, 91 degrees today, I work til 4:00 get to mom's at 4:30 so I guess we'll just see if she can make it til then huh? I mean WHY is it so hard to stop and think about mom, knowing the shape she is in? I just get sooooo completely irritated by the lack of consideration that I could scream. I realize I am the caretaker of mom, always have been, always will be and I welcome it even though there are times it takes a toll on me in many ways, but I love her and would do anything for her. I know that "caretaking" is not always a good thing and is part of my codependancy issues, and maybe that is why I get so frustrated with my brothers. I know I need to find a way to just let the boys go and let them be themselves and focus on what I can do, and I am, but it is a slow process. I know I need to let go and let God and let my brothers be who they are but it is soooooo hard sometimes. Thanks for letting me share Shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Thank you Jozie for the offer, but it's not your problem to deal with and that unfortunately isn't going to solve my issues with it. You unfortunately have enough of your own family junk to contend with. It's just the lack of consideration that is maddening.
faking it til i make it shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Well one great thing my sponsor told me that is really helping is to not have expectations for anyone especially A's. When he expect things from them then we may be just setting ourselves up for disappointment.
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
Shelly, I have been in the same situation for years. I am 400 miles away from my parents and my evil step sister(lol) is 20 min. away. She has been to my parents house 2x since they moved from FL back to IN.. 5 yrs ago. My Dad has been Mom's caretaker for 20 yrs. She had a stroke when she was 54. Dad is now 83 and can't do it anymore.
You know what I do about the evil step sister? Nothing. She is who she is and she has to live with it. We can only do what we can personally. I can't do anything about her lack of human kindness and compassion. It's not something you can give someone that never had it.
None of us need any more drama in our lives anyway. No need to go looking for it.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I live in a house with people who are completely thoughtless about any but themselves. They are like that regardless of how I feel. Getting to a place where I don't take their behavior personally has been very challenging.
I don't doubt you were really hurt by your brother's behavior nevertheless as he was doing the same thing its hardly likely he is going to think its something that merits others knowing. Part of the issue of cheating is the secrecy.
I hope you can get some help in caretaking your mother. I have asthma so I completely understand the issues with temperature. I have spent my life resenting my sisters and alcoholics. I've found the less I resent them the more energy I have to get on with things in my life. I can't say it is easy to "let go" I do know for me it came after a lot of practice in detaching.
I am a fine one for giving advise on what we should expect of others. I just put a post out there regarding expectations of my AD.
And I know about "caregiving" too. Hubby and I took care of his mother for years. She lived with us for about 6 years and it was not easy, believe me. Not once did anyone offer to take her for the week end or offer to sit with her so we could have an evening out. But let me say I was hosting a family gathering, they could not get here fast enough.
Five years ago, I had to have hip replacement. They had to re-do the replacement twice in less than a year due to an infection. My sweet husband was my "caregiver", cooking, helping me dress, etc. He has COPD and emphysemia. We have 3 daughters that live in the area. Not once did anyone of them offer to bring a casserole, offer to do laundry, nothing. Yet the daughter who lives 5 hours away, one way(10 hour round trip) and has twins, came out and did housework, cook and help and her husband did yard work. So, there is always one that will step up to the plate.
You will never have any regrets for the way you have helped your Mom. God Bless you for doing it!!!!
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Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
