The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
well, it took threats to my life and the lives of my family members to leave my a-bf this is my second love relationship with an alcoholic then there are all those family members who are addicts i watched a movie recently called rachel getting married had no idea it was about a family dealing with addiction i think everyone has an addict of some sort in their life i have learned so much this week and have hurt so much this week the movie helped me see for the first time that the addict is thinking about themselves more than they think about me this came as such a surprise that i am still wondering about all the time i lost trying to change myself and his environment all the effort i put into thinking about him and what he felt why he couldn't feel good i finally see that all the sacrifices i made probably didn't have any impact that's the thing with my A i could never know what his reaction would be to anything things i thought were loving and supportive were responded to as though i had been defensive and uncaring i learned to forgo my own emotions and needs because it was too difficult to share them and then be ignored or misinterpreted
one of the most difficult parts of serving him with a restraining order and appearing in court was that i knew he was blaming me and hurting because of what i did and that is insane! after all the effort i put into staying healthy, detaching with love, understanding and not controling, augh! we would have hours and hours of cyclical conversation and when he finally calmed down and seemed to understand reason poof! he'd start back up again with some dellusion and the accusations were so impossible for me to commit all the affairs and lies he accussed me of were untrue but he definately led a secret dark life i was persecuted for imagined slights but i had to tolerate lies upon lies to the point that i feel insane myself and my self-esteem is in the dumps because i have compromised my values so many times and despite all these sacrifices he's still using and feeling unloved i have never worked so hard in my life as i have to make this man feel loved and safe and in the process, i have become nervous, let my life get out of control, gained weight, started smoking and lost contact with friends i am so unwilling to feel right now i am so habituated to stuffing my voice and feelings for him i don't know whether to be happy knowing that some day i will feel good again (and without the invasive misery of being linked to an a) or miserable because the man i love is in jail and for all i know will never feel good nor has felt good for his entire life or just insane knowing that by filing a restraining order i have taken action and i have to live with the results being the partner of an A, i am used to being passive and having all the chaos and decisions driven by someone else (or the addiction) i know that his actions are the cause of this newest drama/trama but what if i had been stronger or more elequant or more convincing then he wouldn't have feel scared and threatened i just want to get to a place where i am not trying to believe al-anon but i really feel it he's in jail and i won't be able to speak to him for a year, his family does and doesn't blame me, he may loose visitation with his son, etc. am i the jerk? if i had left earlier as i knew i should, would this have been avoided? what about me and my need to be seen and heard? how do i get our of this confused and lonely space? our conversations were so crazy this past week or so maybe he was using because he would flip-flop throughout the conversation it just made me feel so unstable and crazy to be in this relationship, i was so drained and heartbroken all the time i couldn't stand anyone elses happiness or success because i was so miserable all the time it's like a tornado hit my life i wish he would be honest and tell me what is real and what is not i can handle anything if i know what it is i don't even know what to pray for im so used to being used and confused now what do i do to put my shattered life back together? how do i live my life now that i am not the gf of an A i have plenty of time to do all the things i dreamed of when he was being an emotional vampire now i can hardly bare to think of him he's right, everyone does let him down but who can help it? i tried to stay, stay, stay i wanted it to work but if he's going to tell me he wants to kill me (based on yet another dellusion) do i have a choice?! i know this letter isn't very al-anon/PC but i can't keep leaning on my friends and family and needed to release some of my pain maybe this will help someone who is ignoring her inner voice and red flags all a's are individuals but my experience is that i will never be able to fill the void of my A and trying to requires me trading my life for his and that has never worked out the payback is never equal there is resentment, second-guessing and uncertainty it's hard to feel good when you are in a relationship with an A al-anon is vital and i wouldn't date an A without it!!! but be honest with yourself do you stay because their addiction feeds your addiction? i finally see how it feeds mine and i am going to set out on a new adventure and try to create a larger life for myself take good care
"i just want to get to a place where i am not trying to believe al-anon but i really feel it".
How that is accomplished is finding the door to the face to face meetings of the Al-Anon Family Groups and attending as many meetings as you can over the next 90 days. Sit in the groups and listen with an open mind. Learn the steps and traditions, slogans and read everything you can find from the meeting literature table and practice, practice, practice. Form your own understanding of a power greater than yourself to build a relationship with and a sponsor who is slightly less of that great a power. Then keep coming back. You are not alone and not unloved. (((((hugs)))))
I agree with you and have been (maybe still am). My addiction feeds on his addiction. I don't think that I can do better. And they do blame us because then they can justify their addiction. Crazy making isn't it. My AHsober and I have a long history of cyclical talks. Maddening when I know I am in it. Go to meetings. You are worth it.
U did what you thought best for you and your family, Don't feel guilty. He is where he is through his own actions, not yours, anyone would have done the same.
Now it's your time to start healing.. GOOD LUCK.. and keep coming back. We will be here when your ready..
If you haven't read it yet, try and find ' COURAGE TO CHANGE" This book helped me a great deal in my life with my AHsober. It wasnt easy getting myself going, but I did.
I could have written your post a couple of years ago except I was married to an A. I no longer live with active alcoholism in my life/under my roof and I never will.
Thank god you got out alive although I know the pain is horrible and it is very hard the first few months/year but IT DOES GET BETTER. Keep coming back, stick tight to program, read all the literature and attend like 3-4 meetings a week if you can. Like clockwork, you will see your self "CREATE A LARGER LIFE".
" i learned to forgo my own emotions and needs because it was too difficult to share them and then be ignored or misinterpreted "
I so relate to this - and it sucks out loud. I am in the process of digging out of the rubble left in the wake of the destruction of my self-esteem over the years of trying to please my active AH. Somedays it feels like I have a teaspoon instead of a shovel to clean up the site, but it's all about progress, not perfection. I'm finding that I can turn to my Alanon family to express my feelings without fear of being ignored or misinterpreted. This is restoring my trust in my fellow human beings and myself.
Pat yourself on the back for taking care of your physical safety. To me, this is a great example of the slogan "First Things First". Drop that rock of guilt and know that you did the right thing for yourself and your family. He alone is responsible for what he says and does - it has nothing to do with you, no matter what he says to the contrary.
You are in the right place. If you can't get to f2f meetings, there are 2 a day here online, plus there's usually always someone available for open chat in between meetings. This has been a lifeline for me in between my f2f meetings.
Glad you are seeing your patterns. We all have individual ones. Being with an alcoholic can open up a lot of insight. The pain is enormous. I am 2 years out and just beginning to rebuild a life.
thank you all for responding to my post with such encouraging and supportive notes it really really means so much to me to know that i am not alone during this process what helps the most, i think, is that you all are reinforcing the message that despite my emotional reaction i should still keep moving forward in my own recovery program al-anon is wonderful in this way because it takes a lot of the thinking out of it the sayings and regularity of the meetings offer structure and motivation while i am unable to my own
I left my AH almost three years ago with three children and have managed to survive and thrive since then. I really related to what you said about wondering how you are going to get on with your life. I remember thinking I will never love someone this much again, I will never have another connection like this... for a long time I really believed in the back of my mind that he'd change and we would end up together again. Over time that changed and I realized I didn't want him anymore, I wasn't the same person I had been with him and I didn't like that person very much. Now I have a boyfriend who doesn't drink, smoke or do drugs and I love him with even more passion than my ex ah. Time really does heal all wounds and when the time is right you will be pointed in the right direction, step by step.
