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I am not quite sure where to start and sure hope that I am posting in the correct section
My AH is very loving and caring person. He is well respected, has many wonderful qualities and makes me feel special for the most part, but he is an A.
AH has been a heavy drinker since his teens, and AH is now approaching retirement AH says if he buy this or that it will give him something to do so he does not drink I can not see how purchasing a large tractor will make a difference, as he drinks while sitting on the riding lawn mower.
After a few drinks one day, we were out (15 years ago), and AH told a woman (he did not realize I was there, until moments after) and told her that she was the most beautiful woman in the world that hes ever seen. She appeared to be a nice person, with a nice looking face, but not something youd see in a magazine. This personally hurt, as he has never told me that.
AH loves his beer 95% of the time AH is not an angry drunk. Once a year he will tell me when he is drinking he will say something not very nice last time he said that Im as screwed up as my family (my sister has a mental illness, and my mother disowned me after the family fell apart after my brothers disappearance). I ask him if it is my fault that he drinks and he assures me it is not
The moment he arrives home from work, the bottles start opening, one after the other.
Many years ago, we stopped going out, and having friends over. I thought that would help
I share my concern about his drinking and how it is hurting us, he slows down. After a week or so, the consumption keeps building and building.
The other day, AH was off for a week, and drank 5 cases of 24.
At 10 pm last night he was drinking in our bedroom, which surprised me AH normally doesnt drink there. AH stinks of Beer all the time, which affects another part of our relationship.
The morning is generally the time I approach the subject (once in a while I mentioned my concerns it at night, which I realize is the wrong time, and I find it difficult to stop myself at that moment).
I just dont now what to do any more, we have been together for well over 20 years, but this A is hurting us, and AH doesnt believe he has a problem
I am at loss as to what to do and where to start. Retirement is on the horizon, and once it is here, I am not sure how to help him - we have so much to loose.
I know our life can be all the more special, over the years to come
I feel we have the world by the tail, but with the A stuff, maybe we do not after all ..
Thanks for listening I just don not know what to do we reside in a tiny gow Town.
Welcome to MIP! You say you are in a very small town -- I'd suggest checking out the chat room here, to meet people to talk to whom you probably will be able to relate to. All of us living with addiction have relatable stories.
You say ur AH made a comment to a woman 15 yrs ago -- I'm sorry you are reliving that memory -- I would say he was just making a pass (or lying) to that woman, like most men do when they are flirting.
The fact that ur AH doesn't blame you for his drinking is sort of shocking, as most A's would blame everyone & anyone else, sounds like he's at least owning his alcohol consumption. He slows down when you complain but know that addiction is a disease & he's acting out of compulsion.
It is a progressive disease, which means it will plateau for a while but then it jumps & gets worse. I've seen my A's go through many plateaus in their substance abuse.
You mention retirement soon -- you will have a new time in your life. I encourage you to get to meeting, if u can't try them online. Learn to detach from his behavior & focus on YOU. How do u plan to spend your time & what do you love to do? Leave AH to his devices. We can't control or fix them but we can change us for the better. Welcome.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
You are in the right place, The best thing you can do for your AH is not to worry about him, worry about YOU. As they say, Let go and Let GOD, MIP IS a place for people like us, who have an A, or have had and A , in their life.
You have taken the first step, and thats posting here, Look at the steps annd start there if you wish, It is a slow progress, YOUR recovery, But we are here for you.
Read through other stories, posts, and you will find we all have gone/ are going through the same thing. YOUR NOT ALONE. Here, you will find, friendships, support, and acceptance.
My A, isnt an angry, physical drunk either, though he is sober, right now, He knows he is an A, un til your AH admits he has a problem and needs help, there's not much you can do , this he must do on his own. Your part is taking care of YOU.
I am glad you found MIP, and you will learn, it helps tremendously, in your healing progress.
Hello Alice and welcome , I have no idea where u live but if there is a meeting with in an hrs drive , find it . u need support u can't deal with this alone . nor do u have to . there is nothing u can do to help him ,this is his trip leave it with him . Its gonna be summer soon and traveling to nearest meeting won't be a problem , no snow no ice hehe. Nothing will change til Someone changes and since your the one looking for help it has to be you . You cannot wait for him to see the light and change .
Your A sounds very much like mine. Mine is now 3 yrs sober. We have been married for 21 yrs. When I entered Alanon I learned that I had to get my own life. I started finding things to do and building a long neglected life of my own. My world no longer rotated around him.
He spiraled downward and eventually the only person looking in the mirror was him. I was no longer behind him making sure he could stand up. I was off having fun. Please find a meeting and support. In doing so you will find yourself.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
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