The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Okay, here is the laundry list for ACOA. I read this everyday as part of my program. This keeps it near the front of my brain. If I get the feeling of dejavu or familiarity, I seem to always find it on the list so I can understand what's going on. Reading the list everyday also allows me to see how much and how often I am affected by the problems and characteristics that I don't think even apply to me. I hope you find this list useful. Take Care Courtesy of Frank.
Characteristics
1. I guess at what normal is.
2. I have difficulty following projects through from beginning to end.
3. I lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
4. I judge myself without mercy.
5. I have difficulty having fun.
6. I take myself very seriously.
7. I have difficulty with intimate relationships.
8. I overreact to changes over which I have no control.
9. I feel different from other people.
10. I constantly seek approval and affirmation.
11. I am either super-responsible or super-irresponsible.
12. I am extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is under-deserved.
13. I look for immediate, as opposed to deferred, gratification.
14. I lock myself into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternate behaviors or possible consequences.
15. I seek tension and crisis - and then complain about the results.
16. I avoid conflict or aggravate it - rarely do I deal with it.
17. I fear rejection and abandonment, yet I am rejecting of others.
18. I fear failure, but I sabotage my success.
19. I fear criticism and judgement, yet I criticize and judge others.
20. I manage my time poorly and do not set my priorities in a way that works well for me.
The Problem
We seem to have several characteristics in common as a result of having been brought up in an alcoholic household:
1. We become isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
2. We become approval seekers and lose our identity in the process.
3. We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
4. We either become alcoholics, marry them, or both.... or find another compulsive personality - such as a workaholic - to fulfill
our sick abandonment needs.
5. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and are attracted by that weakness in our love, friendship, and career relationships.
6. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility. It is easier for us to be concerned with others than ourselves. This enables
us not to look too closely at our faults or at our responsibility to ourselves.
7. We feel guilty when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
8. We become addicted to excitement.
9. We confuse love with pity and tend to love people we can "pity" and "rescue".
10. We have stuffed our feelings from our traumatic childhood, and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it
hurts so much. This includes our good feelings - such as joy or happiness. Our being out of touch with our feelings is one of
our basic denials.
11. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
12. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold onto a relationship in order not
to experience painful abandonment feelings. We received this from living with sick people who were never there emotionally
for us.
13. Alcoholism is a family disease. We become para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we
did not pick up the drink.
14. Para-alcoholics are reactors, rather than actors.
The Solution
By attending Al-Anon meetings on a regular basis, we learn we can live our lives in a more meaningful manner. We learn to
change our attitudes and old patterns and habits, to find serenity.... even happiness.
1. Alcoholism is a threefold diseases: mental, physical, and spiritual. Our parents were victims of the disease, which ends in
insanity and/or death. Learning about, and understanding the disease, is the beginning of the gift of forgiveness.
2. We learn the three C's - We didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it.
3. We learn to put the focus on ourselves and to be good to ourselves.
4. We learn to detach with love, giving ourselves and others tough love.
5. We use Al-Anon slogans: Let go and let God. * Easy does it. * One day at a time. * Keep it simple. * Live and let live.
6. We learn to feel our feelings, to accept and express them, and to build self-esteem.
7. Through working the steps, we learn to accept the disease, realize our lives have become unmanageable and we are powerless
over the disease and the alcoholic.
8. As we become willing to admit our defects and sick thinking, we are able to change our attitudes and turn our reactions into
actions.
9. By working the program daily, admitting that we are powerless, we come to believe eventually in the spirituality of the program -
that there is a solution other than ourselves: the group and a Higher Power.... God as we understand him.
10. By sharing our experiences, relating to others, welcoming newcomers and serving our group(s), we build self-esteem.
11. We learn to love ourselves. In this way, we are able to love others in a healthy way.
12. We have telephone therapy with people we relate to - very helpful at all times, not just when problems arise.
13. By applying the Serenity Prayer to our daily lives, we begin to change the sick attitudes we acquired in childhood.
In order to change, I cannot use my history as an excuse for continuing my behaviors. I have no regrets for what might have been, for my experiences have shaped my talents as well as my defects of character. It is my responsibility to discover these talents, to build my self-esteem amd to repair any damage done. I will allow myself to feel my feelings.... to accept them... and learn to express them appropriately. When I have begun these tasks, I will try to get on with the business of managing my life.
I have survived against impossible odds until today. With the help of God and my friends, I shall survive the next twenty-four hours. I am no longer alone.
The Twelve Steps
Study of these steps is essential to progress in the Al-Anon program. The principles they embody are universal, applicable to everyone, whatever their personal creed. In Al-Anon, we strive for an ever deeper understanding of the Steps, and pray for the wisdom to apply them to our lives.
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and - when we were wrong - promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for
knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and practice these
What is amazing to me is that I first saw this list 25 or more years ago, and I connected with it in a major way. I was a newlywed myself with an instant family. I was drinking then, and not in any way ready for recovery but this list really resonated with me.
Now for the amazing part: I feel that I have really seen a lot of growth in many of these areas. Not to take any credit for it myself, or to brag - I just noticed how many of these things now feel more like my past than my present, and I'm much more aware of them when they do intrude in my present.
I'm going to quote the items from the list that I feel I've made significant progress in, to the point that I would not feel the same resonance as I did when I first came across the list:
alizator wrote:
2. I have difficulty following projects through from beginning to end.
4. I judge myself without mercy.
6. I take myself very seriously.
7. I have difficulty with intimate relationships.
8. I overreact to changes over which I have no control.
10. I constantly seek approval and affirmation.
12. I am extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is under-deserved.
14. I lock myself into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternate behaviors or possible consequences.
15. I seek tension and crisis - and then complain about the results.
18. I fear failure, but I sabotage my success.
The king on this list - the planet Jupiter, the ruler - is #4. I've had to turn the light around on the judge. My best friend, who constantly compared me to others, and found me either vastly superior or vastly inferior. My friend that kicked my ass and motivated me. My pal that never let me forget a mistake. Perhaps that friend once served me, but I no longer serve the critic. Giving up #4 was always something I planned to do - once I was perfect.
I think my #4 is dying of old age and weariness. His voice isn't so loud anymore. It's not that I killed him off, or won an argument with him. Much simpler... I just don't need him anymore.
OH YES, I very much resonated with this list when I read it years ago. It was SO my list and was pivotal to opening my mind to the fact that I had some issues and there was a place I "fit" in order to deal with them. While I could relate to the literature of ACOA and I am ACOA, I found AL ANON to be the best place for me.
I have to agree with Barisax that #4 is the biggest one for me and its the most insidious, also. A close one to that was #6. Man, I took myself SO seriously and I can recall this in my childhood also but it really blossomed in my teens and twenties almost to the point of grandiousity!!! HA! I RUTHLESSLY took myself seriously and boy if others did not as well- AX 'em out!
11 pairs nicely with 4. It all fits together in such a way that it was a hand engraved invitation for me to pay attention. I was nailed. I have ACOA to thank for kicking my ass up front.
Thanks for this post! Its a good reminder and wow, have I changed (thank GOD)!! Hugs, J.
thanks for posting this. it helps me put it all back into perspective again, I needed something like this to help me get going again with al-anon and the steps
