I give you so much credit to know it in your heart and stick with your a...  Really I do and there are days like today I feel so badly for breaking that relationship off because I miss him terribly.  There are also days I feel like my heart is broken so badly and in so much pain that I feel it will just stop beating....  Never had a broken heart before this and had been married twice-- go figure!  Actually, I KNOW now for certain that those marriages, which were HIGHLY abusive with people who rarely if ever drank even were all part of me NEEDING someone and not loving them.  :(((  I know that now because of the love I have for my ex a...  The truth is I know in my heart I love him, but I also know in my heart that our relationship together is lethal-- Him with his addictions and me with needing to be loved completely, more than he is capable because of his addictions.  We would just end up hurting eachother so badly, as it had started to occur.  I had no choice, but to end it as much as it hurts.  I'm not certain right now that this feeling is ever going to end.  There are a few things I still have from him that on a couple of occasions, I felt ready to just get rid of them-- a card he had given me specifically.  One of the only things I have left.  Pictures and everything else is gone.  Each time I feel I am ready to get rid of it, I take down the Bible from the shelf that has the card in it and I just cannot bring myself to do it.  What makes it more difficult is that the Bible I have on my shelf has a memories and special events section in it, which at one point I had written my special event of how much I committed to this man with God as my witness of the love I have for him in a spiritual lifelong relationship...   He never knew I did this and at one point I wanted to show him, but didn't because I didn't want to force anything.  I felt that our relationship was being forced towards the end because he was leaning towards his lifestyle more than our relationship-- so I let go. 

Now, I struggle with the issue in the Bible, as when I think I can get rid of a card he gave me, the Bible is right there with it.  I would have to get rid of the Bible or scratch out what I had written, but just will not do it because it would be like me saying what I wrote was not the truth and what is in my heart...  Right now I feel that as long as it is written, I feel committed.....  if not to him with God centered in our relationship, then just to God.

It's been a rough couple of days thinking about him and I don't have a clue why-- nothing different has happened.  Ironically, my brother stopped by too yesterday as I was having a hard day with memories of my ex a's relationship when talking with someone who we used to work with together... I did all I could to keep the conversation focused away from him and just explained to her that I felt badly that I don't meet her for lunch or anything anymore-- keeping my distance, but I just cannot come around there because I don't feel strong enough to be in an area with such memories and him being there.  I did well and in turn, changed the conversation....

However, that night my brother came over like I said who I hadn't seen in a couple of months and first thing he says...  he talked to my ex a today, as he had been in that  part of town and saw him working outside with his boss.  I fought myself so bad to not ask what he said or how was he cause I didn't want to do it..... and I lost that fight when my brother said, yeah he asked how the kids were doing.  I questioned, did he ask about me and my brother said no.   I didn't get upset thinking he didn't care, but rather got upset realizing that he is having just as difficult as time with this as me and didn't ask how I was because he didn't want to hear if I was with someone else or something to that effect.  He actually told me this at one point in our relationship when we were off and on-- that he would just stay away because it would hurt him too much to see if I was with someone else.  :(((

The irony of this is that just on March 17th, I was at a place his mom worked and thought she would be the one admitting me for testing at the hospital, as she walked by twice and I was freaked out in the waiting room, thinking what if she takes me for admitting-- how would I handle that because I didn't want to ask how my ex a (her son) was because it would hurt too much.  I played this scenario in my mind the entire time I waited, giving it to God because it was so hard thinking I'd have to talk to her......  Sure enough, I came to the conclusion that I would ask how his daughter was and stay off the subject of him just so I could be nice and not be rude or show I didn't have any concern.  It occured to me that he did the same with my brother-- Although, I was fortunate to not have to face that situation-- perhaps or maybe not.  I dunno cause here I sit over a month later still having these unsettled emotions. 

I don't understand it... I've been fine-- completely!  And now, WHAM, it's like we are breaking up all over again.  When does it stop?  I don't even talk to him-- it's going on 4 months....  I think having written that committment in that Bible and given it to God, having my relationship with God makes it more difficult.  I keep asking God to take this from me if it is His will, but it isn't working too well.  :(((

Well, my turn to vent.... Thank you very much for listening.  I love him so much!!!  :(((

sanddie,

thank you so much for sharing your heart and experience with me.  my heart goes out to you.  i know exactly how you feel.  i was divorced after 16 yrs of marriage, and my present husband and i were split up last summer, and i went thru all that stuff too.  the pain involved is sooo deep and real.  it's like a death, and the grief goes in waves.  there doesn't have to be a 'reason' it all comes back.  for me, many times just the weather takes me back to times past.  or smells....whatever.  keep venting...4 months feels like an eternity, i know, but in the big picture, it's really not all that long for all the healing to take place, ya know?  it's gonna take time.  just cherish the peaceful times, and get through the rough ones!  power to ya, girl!  and thank you so much for replying to me.  i really appreciate it!

lori