The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi everyone. I'm new and a little nervous. I'm not sure how to start. I guess my first question is am I supposed to be here only if I've broken off with my ABF? He is going to be 8 years sober this summer, however; he has not been working his program for about a year now and though promised me he'd start making meetings again on a daily basis, it's been sporadic at best. He went to a meeting last night and I have decided that I need Al Anon. Even though he is not picking up a bottle he is certainly not the man I met two years ago. He calls it dry drunk? I see he's in turmoil right now--he knows what he's got to do and desperately needs the time to do it but with working three jobs he feels his life is not his own. I love him and want to help him but this past year has been hell and lately I feel like maybe I'm going a little crazy.
Am I in the right place?
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"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
Yes you are in the right place welcome. You will find help you need. Check out the website online chat which will help you. Remeber keep posting your progress. Good luck with everything.
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Hey everyone watch me grow. I go thru good & bad times. each day i am getting stronger.
Alanon is for anyone who is or ever has been concerned about or affected by someone else's drinking.
Sounds like you're in EXACTLY the right place!
Use the "search" function in the burgundy toolbar to look for other posts with the word "new" in the subject, & see what you find. Get yourself to a f2f (face to face) meeting in your area, and pick up a free newcomer packet & a local schedule. There are a wealth of tools. Picking them up & learning how to use them takes time, but is SO worth it.
Welcome to MIP! It certainly has been the right place for me. We come from alot of different places but we are alot alike in our concerns and needs. Face to face meetings are great. Reading the literature. My AHsober is a dry drunk. Emotionally immature. It is a challenge. In Alanon we are told to focus on ourselves. Keep coming back.
Thank you everyone for making me feel at home. I was in a virtual meeting tonight and felt very at peace reading other people's stories and was insprired by their courage. I joined this for "him" to show him I was dedicated to his recovery and helping but what I found was an incredible place for ME...somewhere I can turn, share, rant, offer help and grow. I'm going to break the circle I've been spinning on with him. I'm going to work my own program of recovery....stop this need of having to rescue him! He has to help himself. I can love him, I can support him but I can't control him. I can only control me. here I go.....my first step.
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"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
My own personal welcome to MIP. I can relate to your alcoholic's insanity. 3 jobs!! I wonder what my sponsor would say about trading my recovery off for that kind of stress. He probably fears the need to do it. Fear is the number one emotion that drives the disease. However good has come to the picture...you have arrived and have learned much already!! I'm amazed considering how long it took for me to even get the language of Al-Anon. There will be suggestions from lots of the members here and in the meeting rooms. Take what you like, leave the rest and what you take practice, practice, practice. You cannot do your recovery for him. Someone told me early on not to continue to be the pillow that softens the crash of my alcoholic wife hitting the ground. Often the pain of the crash drives them into recovery. There is no law that says he gets weller first or before you no matter how long he's been around the rooms. Come for yourself and Keep coming back cause this works...if you work it.
TY Jerry! My A is a dry drunk. The only thing he's doing is abstaining and from being on here and listening I now see the manipulation tactics, the sickness in him. He works the jobs b/c he has kids to support. I give him alot of credit for supporting them and seeing them as well, doing what he can to be in their lives regardless of the Bs their mothers toss at him daily but that stress coupled with three jobs, no sleep, and wanting to have a "normal" life and relationship with me has taken it's toll. When he does go to meetings it's sporadic, he's bitter and I doubt they help much. I'm so glad I found Al Anon. I feel listened to and I feel empowered to care about myself. I love him very much but I have to stop this pattern of behavior I've adopted of making it all about him and HIS needs. I'm here too and I matter. One thing I really have to work on is taking things so personally when it comes to him!!
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"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
You are in the right place for YOU. You are not alone.Congrats on your first step. A day at a time, is all it takes to get yourself going in YOUR recovery, It isn't easy, and it IS a slow process, but progress you will make, keep coming back, WE are here for each other. As well as ourselves.
It's great that u want to help him - and already you have found how this can help you. Yes, we are here to vent or relate anytime - the chat room is great too -- if no one is in there just wait five or ten minutes & ppl will stream in (seems like it's always that way). I'm acoa & grew up in this disease. For me, getting to where I could stop taking things personally took a lot of work & practise. To tell the truth, when I came back to al-anon four years ago, I was very paranoid - I thought everything was about me or somehow was my fault. I was desperatey clinging to others & not working on me or my life.
Today I can easily say, I do have me in focus, I can think of me w/out guilt. Today I practise self-love & no longer sabotage my relationships. I am now grateful for what I've been through, b/c it's gotten me where I am today. The work itself wasn't easy -- but this program is simple. For me, surrenderring to that took a while. I couldnt believe it would work. I was so stubborn & resistent to leting go of my own tactics. Someone actually said, try it & prove me wrong - that appealed to me, so I did. I applied the simplest of things, like focusing on me.
This is a simple program for complicated people.
You will help your A by working on yourself, learning to get out of his "stuff" and get busy working on YOU. It's the only thing u have control over & you actually can help & change yourself. By focusing on you & detaching from his program/behavior you will get better & it will give him the opportunity to face himself. If you are there focusing on his program - it gives him the excuse not to. If you stop doing that, he will have more ability to have to face himself, himself.
I know it sounds weird - work your program & it will help another but it's true. It's like, if u want something, give it first. Say you want understanding or forgiveness - be understanding & forgiving yourself. If u want love, love yourself first.
Remember that this stuff is new to us, learning to mind our own business, give yourself time to absorb it, practise it. It wont happen over night but if u keep working at applying the program to your own life, it will work. As we say, it works when you work it, so work it you're worth it!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
