The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm starting a new thread from what Blender Girl started, so as not to spin her thread off in another direction.
blender_girl wrote:
· To feel valued, cherished, loved, respected, trusted by a partner/spouse/significant other
· To be able to trust a partner/spouse/significant other with my thoughts and feelings and have no fear of them being used against me
I came to the same list many years ago. I also realized fairly quickly that it just wasn't going to happen. I thought at the time, the ideal definition of a relationship was silly. Pie in the sky. Maybe for someone else, but not for me. I have a naturally distrustful nature on my logical side, and a naturally gullible nature on my emotional side. That's probably not that unusual for someone who grew up with an alcoholic parent. My heart wants to believe, but my brain says don't go for it.
This is a survival mechanism that can serve us well - as it did me, in my many single years. The brain denies the heart its fondest desire. And the brain tells the heart that it's stupid, it's gullible, and it's caused too much trouble. Brain says we're better off alone - you too heart, you just don't know what's good for you.
Something funny happened to me though. Along the way, my heart grew, and it healed, and it did learn to be a little less gullible. And the brain learned to be a little less strict. But I stuck with safe relationships - friendships really. I ended up with some platonic friendships with the opposite sex, people I trusted with some of my deeper thoughts and feelings. There was no sex, no potential for abuse - and there was no thought of these relationships becoming anything else.
They are all coming to my wedding!
I had to wait until someone found me. Met me 3/4 of the way. I realized long ago that I was never going to find someone compatible with me as the initiator. I didn't have the skills necessary to pursue a relationship as the wolf... and I was always, always barking up the wrong tree. I also though that because it wasn't fair to expect the other person to come 3/4 of the way just to introduce herself, that it made me undeserving of a relationship. Yeah, I'm pretty much not capable of earning most of what I need - so I guess I'll just have to accept it as a gift! Today I don't reject God's gifts just because in my feeble human judgement, I'm not worthy of them. Who am I to question God?
Hi Bari, I had never experienced what its like to be trusted, cherished, respected or loved. Not ever, not from anyone. Until I found it in face to face al anon groups. Which taught me its there with my relationship with HP. Thats all I need. Anything else is icing on that really wonderful chocolate cake- the really great kind that does not need icing! HA! I like to keep it simple. I have someone I am seeing but its not like my al-anon people or HP. Its just nice as is it and I am cool with that. Thanks for your post and happy wedding!!!!!! What we need to do is follow our bliss and you are doing it which is inspiring- Jean
Barisax...I wish you the best wedding ever and certainly hope that the most that comes out of the sky for you and your new wife on that day is rice...dry and short grain. No pie!! (unless maybe it's cherry and then I wanna be there too!!)
