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Hi Its Lilly, I need to vent..Ive been doing so well, got my sister in law to tell my exAH to leave me alone..I got some silent calls then a nasty one, accusing me of saying things to his ex. Well, I was trying to change my sky account and found emails from him, march 27th (10 days after he went off to his new life and before the cracks started showing - yes they have already!) - he hopes we can be mates someday!!! This to his wife who he has just left, how insensitive, what a horrible thing to say to your wife, couldnt believe what I was reading. Then another one on the 7th April, saying was I not taking his calls? He wanted to talk, he understood his ex partner (who has his youngest daughter) had been talking to me and he was livid with her, would I please respond to his emails. Having been told by his ex that he had asked to go back to her...(I wonder if she told him that), anyway, he said I must be very pissed off!! Understatement of the century. Im upset because I feel the email suggests that it might be true, I was sure it just couldnt be). Of course, since then Ive explained to his sister and she has told him to leave me alone. My sister in law also said she thought his ex was lying, she too wouldnt believe this was possible. So his ex must have told him herself she had been talking to me. The worst thing is my reading into this last email is that he probably did ask to go back to her or why would he think I might be upset. What I wonder was the point when my husband I loved, my alcoholic, become such a B......... when did he actually stop loving me and demonising me, many months as he dropped back into his drinking and his personality started to really change for the worse. I hate the fact that Ive found these emails, Ive changed my emails so he couldnt, but didnt realise they were stored on the sky server. I am definitely changing my phone number, any contact with him is purely negative and he can deal with the things he has done and said, why should I give him a chance to explain himself...Hes said since he left, that a) apart from the children (who hes also deserted) I was the only person he cared about!!!Uuuggg b) he respects me (that couldnt be further from the truth) c) our time together was beautiful, better than anything d) silent phone calls e) accusatory phone calls about what I had been saying to his ex (thank you very much), f) emails saying wants to be mates g) emails saying wants to talk re what ex has been saying to me. I dont want to be involved in this horrible stuff, I never asked his ex to contact me, quite the contrary, Ive now told her never to contact me again! If I need to get in touch with exAH to serve papers, I can do so through his lovely normal brother who isnt likely to be running away from his family any time soon! I am so upset and fed up.....thank you for listening. Lillyxx
I'm so sorry you're feeling this pain. It does sound like you are taking steps to protect yourself - good for you!
This has been a tough week for many of us out here in MIP-land, myself included. What has really helped me has been getting some contact with my f2f group members in addition to posting to this board. Breaking my isolation like that really helped me this week - I encourage you to seek out other f2f members.
Lily, I haven't really been responding to posts because I honestly don't feel I have a great deal to offer anyone at this point being the mess that I have been, however your post called to me so here I am. I would like to commend you on being such a strong woman-and YOU ARE! Avoiding the calls, the contact, EVERYTHING you are doing takes MORE STRENGTH than you might see and you offer me so much ESH, so thank you. You are doing so well, don't let the questions you have drag you down. I have learned the HARD way that there are some answers I will never have, and if I did have the EXABF answer them I doubt I would believe him anyway. I also am learning that I can NEVER know WHY he does or says the things he does or says because he is sick, and only a mind as sick as his could make sense of his thought process. I also am learning that I can try and analize and interpret everything he writes or says to me and run it around in my head over and over and all I will accomplish by this is insanity......I'm not him, never will be. I will never be able to understand what makes him think the way he does and trying to figure it out will make me CRAZY and I don't want to be crazy anymore. Please take care of you Lily-YOU ARE DOING SOOOOO WELL and are an inspiration to so many here....... Your friend in recovery shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Thank you all for your posts. Shelly, Im glad I have helped a bit, dont feel very inspiring, MATES! what is it with these insensitive A's. I shall leave him on his island to rot with his conscience....Meanwhile I will keep as much distance as humanly possible, its the only way to keep from the rubbish that comes our way. Love Lilly xx
It sounds like maybe it was a HP-thing that you didn't find the emails sooner. It may have been much harder for you to make healthy choices for yourself if you had been caught up in the insanity of the emails as they were sent. And, never doubt, it is insanity.
Active As are masters at cruelty, but even in early sobriety, the A can be cruel and hurtful and not even realize it. When newly sober, my AH told me that he had feelings for someone he met in treatment and he couldn't understand why I was so angry and hurt--he was being honest with me and wasn't that what he was supposed to do?? UGH!! Later, after he got a sponsor and his brain had dried out a bit more, he apologized to me because he realized how wrong it had been to lay that on me and that he should have talked with a sponsor about his emotional confusion and not his wife. Duh...you think?? Not sure I've let that one go yet...maybe time for a mini 4th step on it...but that's another topic altogether.
Hang in there and keep taking care of you!!
Yours in Recovery,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Detaching is so hard to do. I really urge you to work on it. That was the only way I could stop being so entrenched in being absolutely devastated by the ex A's actions. That takes work, every day doing what is foreign. I told the ex A for years I didn't want to talk to him. I stopped talking to him but he didn't stop the calls. I stopped being affected by them over time. All of that was work, every day being willing to detach rather than give away all my power day in day out.
You are doing the right thing , worry about you, not what your A's doing, take it slowly and easy does it, and vent all you want,lol, it's good for the soul, So smile and be proud of the steps you have taken so far.
You hear a lot, nothing changes if no one changes. I have told ex b/f's who were A's that I wouldnt take theri calls or ever call them again but as soon as I would announce what I wasn't going to do, compulsively I was doing it. You have to put your own foot down with yourself. It's like playing with fire, u know it's going to hurt. I had to learn to do things for myself like - if I see an email or phone call, to not pick up, not to read it - it will only bring it all up again & make me crazy. Boundaries helped me get my own life back. They also gave me coping skills, so the next time something came up, I had an alternative option, instead of diving back in. I could protect myself.
No, you are not putting your head in the sand -- you are identifying what's toxic for you and working it our of your life. My exAH like calling me an ostrich.
A's are master manipulators. They dont feel good about themselves or their choices, so they attack others. Once I realized this, it was easier for me to avoid these hurtful people.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
