The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I wanted to take some time to Thank all of you who have held me up the past months, and there have been many of you who have shared ESH, and kept me from falling into the abyss of alcoholism. When I thought I was crazy, I was shown that I wasn't alone, that most of us have been there in one way or another. Even though I wanted to run and hide, for some reason HP stood there even when I wouldn't let myself see him. Yesterday I started a new myspace page-lol, and guess who was the first person I added???? It really isn't funny but as soon as I did it I realized how crazy I have become, I mean really really crazy. He of course didn't add me and then I had to answer his email and let him know how I felt about that, to which he later added me and said he never received the invite from myspace and had to go find it in his account. I woke up this am and thought I have to delete him off my page, WHAT WAS I THINKING??? But now I am thinking no-let him there. Him being on my page does not mean I have to look at his page, besides I can do a search and look him up if I want too. Bottem line is I can't hide from him, I HAVE to focus on me and get me back together again. Driving my son to school this am proved the true depth of my insanity and obsession, as I went into a complete fit of anger because I asked him what time the bus comes and he said "Eight". Well I start work at 7:30 and he is on the bus before I get to work so I knew it wasn't "eight" and asked again WHAT TIME DOES THE BUS COME??? to which he again replied"eight". I just lost it, yelling that it is now 659 and we are on the way to the bus stop and I know dang well the bus does NOT come at "EIGHT" to which he replies "yes it does....7:08" I thought I would go insane right then and there and went clear off about my stress and why does he have to add to it and on and on I went to a 12 yr old boy who is going through puberty and has been really sick for the past week. I literally cringed when I finished at what I have allowed myself to become. I realize it HAS to change and it HAS TO BE NOW, somehow, someway I am going to pull myself through this and head back to Serenity Park. I know the key is no contact with EXABF, and that no contact can only be done is small increments in my mind....I can't say I'm never going to talk to him again, I can say I won't for the next 10 minutes. I can no longer allow myself to care or obsess, etc about why he did what he did or how or why or what he may do. It has to end and I alone have the power to end it....and it's time. I detest alcoholism!!!! I know it is not going to be easy. Alcohol is his addiction and for some reason I will never understand, I let him become mine. I don't want to hate him or be angry anymore, and I think I can turn the hate into love for him as another human being if I remind myself that he is sick, and it is his sickness I detest. Today I can not even think about it. Today I can only do this one minute at a time, one hour at a time and have to stay in the NOW if it is the last thing I do. Today I am going to put me first and trust in my HP, who has never left me throughout this whole ordeal. I'm going to trust His will for me and toss my will to the side. Today I am going to let go and Let God. I can no longer live with the upset, the tension, the not knowing, any of it....I woke up today and realized that I am completely POWERLESS and my life has become COMPLETELY UNMANAGEABLE. For months in one way or another I have still been trying to control this mess, even by letting it go I was still trying to make it work MY WAY. I am powerless. I can no longer live in this kind of world, this insanity. I am powerless over all of it and exhausted and have lost the will to fight.....I'm turning it over and giving it to HP and going to just rest for a bit. Thanks for reading this, for being there, for all the ESH, and for holding the light out in front of me so that I can see the way. Please don't leave I need you all and your ESH more than I ever have in my life........ Shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Looks like both of us are try'n beg'n to stay in the NOW...lol.. Go Figure... I still think sometims that OUR HP's, are play'n tricks on us.. For we always seem to have ISSUES at the exact same MINUTES of our days ...lol...
Maybe they are try'n to tell US something... Guess we better start paying attention...lol...
Pray'n for a Better today... A Better NOW... A Better Life for us all...
Love & Prayers One Day at A Time... For that is ALL we can CONTROL...
Easy does it. I think it took me years and lots of practice detaching to let go of the ex A. These things don't come overnight. The more we do it the easier it gets. I no longer view myself as "sick" or pathological. I do the best I can each day and try to have simple goals.
Sounds like social networking is a real issue for you. I know in my prime I tracked the ex A all the time. The more I tracked the worse I was. I think its pretty natural to include the boyfriend when you are in the process of looking at a relationship. The ex A was in my every thought and deed for 7 years. He isn't anymore but it was a long long slog for me to get there.
Be kind to yourself. When we fall off the wagon and over react we get back up and try again.
For me, switching the focus to the needs of my child works great to keep me busy and distracted from wondering what aH is doing (or NOT doing). It makes me feel better as well, plugging into the simplicities of childhood. Bike rides, movies, digging for worms, adventure walks. I feel better knowing that I am a good Mom to my son. There are times when my frustrations come out during my interactions with my son as well. I promptly admit when I realize that I am wrong and I try to move forward in a better way. Sometimes one second at a time. One long, deep breath at a time. I want very badly, to teach my son a better way to be.
Many of the times that the light was held up it reflected on the doors of the face to face Family Group Meetings...There is a chair waiting for you already and there is no charge to attend. From the start we usually get more than we give from attending.
I am powerless over all of it and exhausted and have lost the will to fight...
This is the place most refer to as "bottom". We try and try to fight against it until finally there is surrender.
This is also the place to begin an honest recovery. When we are at the bottom the only place to go is up. The recovery is much easier while supported by Alanon meetings which give you direction. You've come this far, won't you take just one more step through the doors of a local meeting?
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
