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Well after yesterdays tail spin over EXABF and his possessions. I did the unthinkable, and went on his Myspace page!!! BIG MISTAKE!! Saw that he added yet another new female friend and I went CRAZY! Deleted him from my accto-but that didn't remove any comments etc that I had sent him in the past year so I went back and deleted my entire acct-all within seconds of seeing this new friend. Talk about REACTING....then like a snowball out of control I sent him an email.....told him I didn't want to interefere with him and his new friends, and thought I'd help him out since new women don't like seeing the ex plastered all over the place......then actually ended the email with "I hope this makes things a little smoother for ya!"
Of course last night he emailed to tell me it was nasty, that began an email "war" back and forth with him telling me I spit in his face and made him feel like a "xxxxx" scumbag with the nasty email I sent and he was sure that was my intention. And that I should let go of my anger as it doesn't suit me. I of course replied-not even sure what now, but it must have been nasty cause he emailed again last night after his meeting that I need to let go of the anger and he doesn't believe I really feel that way about him in my heart and if I do he feels sad for me!!!!
I went all over the place......and what blows me away is that I don't care if he dates, that is fine with me as I am too, but I just HATE him adding those girls on his myspace page-and he knows that is like throwing it in my face (yes I know I don't have to look at it-and hadn't for some time til yesterday)and yes that does make me angry, especially when he justifies it by saying I had men on my page after he and I met-yes I did the SAME ones that were on it BEFORE we met.
Anyway as you can see, I am a mess. I'm not even sure why anymore. I'm angry he is right about that. The sad part is that the best I feel is when he and I don't talk or email or anything. During those periods of time I feel like I am ok and getting better, and then WHAM like yesterday the crazies take over me and I feel like I'm loosing my mind all over again. I KNOW he and I can NOT be together-that is a fact. I'm not even sure how I feel about him anymore to be honest, so I don't understand WHY I still let him get to me over and over and over again. I literally feel like I am going crazy and I don't know how to make it stop. I remember the last meeting I was at and one lady talking about doing anything to make it stop, even if it meant running over her EXAH with a car, and the sad part is I could relate to her and what she was saying.
I know I alone can make it stop. I know I alone have the choice to walk away. Why then after all he has put me through, with the in love feelings I once had for him being gone......is it soooooooooooooo hard to do?????
thanks for listening
shelly
-- Edited by canadianguy on Wednesday 22nd of April 2009 02:40:56 PM
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
For me, it was because I was addicted to my ex. Withdrawl and then the "out of no where" cravings for him were the worst. And detoxing from a person is way harder than detoxing from a drug.
So, you slipped. It happens. And you are in the midst of it so you are not seeing that you do have choices and you do have control over your actions.
I was saying last night in my meeting, I felt I HAD to do the insane thigs I did when I finally left my ex. I felt like I HAD to drive around, call the women he was with, not sleep for days on end worrying, obsess, obsess, obsess...I seriously thought I HAD to be that way.
Today I know that I had choices even then when I couldn't figure out how to do it differently. And I suppose I had to go thru the crazies to get to the other side.
The pain was intense. And here's a note...ex did not and would not help me with any of MY pain. All he did was make it worse. No contact was the best thing in the world for me. And then, whenever I caught myself thinking about him and the isanity, I would make a conscious effort to stop and change my mindset. It was HARD. It was SO HARD.
All I can tell you is that it will get better. You will get through this. And your life will get better. Just keep coming back. Everytime you get that craving to obsess about him, to check his myspace or google his name, drive by his house, text him...everytime that happens, remember it ONLY HURTS YOU. It changes nothing. If you two are meant to be then you will, but as of today, you are hurt and need healing and he is not going to heal you. Only you are. It maybe time to really stop and figure out why you insist on hurting yourself by doing these things. For me, part of it was the way I was raised and part of it was not knowing how to do it different. I am learning here in these rooms how to heal.
I hope this reply finds you feeling better. Don't worry about it so much, Take a deep breath, and let it go.
I can relate with an ex of mine, not and A,10 yrs together, but when he replaced me with others, it wasn't a jealousy thing, nor did i have feelings for him still. It was the fact that, they were in MY place, nothing more, and in a sense, you feel the same without realizing it, So... calm deep breath, let it go it will pass :)
Shelly, I'm not going to tell you it's going to get better, I think it could get much WORSE!
I hope you didn't post just to vent again. I hope you came for some good suggestions to get back on track. You've gotten so many suggestions in the past, yet you continue doing what you're doing. YOU have to want to get better, Shelly. YOU have to do something different or you're going to end up with a jail sentence! You want THAT to be your rock bottom???
You can't fix this by yourself, Shelly. A sick mind cannot cure a sick mind!! Get yourself to a meeting EVERY DAY for awhile. GO! GO! GO! Take the ACTION of wanting to change. One foot in front of the other....
HP can't do anything without your WILLINGNESS. HP loves you but you have to SURRENDER to see that there is a much better plan for you. It's going to be sooo much better.... trust this.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Back in the day, it was finding old love letters or photographs. Then they would ask for them, and you would say "I burned them." And a similar exchange would begin. Believe it or not, your exchange is very old, but with more technology. You haven't lost your mind--you're involved with alcholism. Whenever somone's involved with alcholism, they lose all sense of normalcy. I mean, whenever so called normal people look at us they're like really black and white. the fact is that since they've never lived with this they don't get it. they don't understand how it is that we put up with this insanity, this lifestyle. and the reality is, we don't. it's not like it happened one day. it's like the seasons changing. it happens very gradually, over the course of years. and then, by the time we take stock of the insanity, it's like we've been run over by a brick wall. so when people see us, it's AFTER the train hit us. I think, also, it may be wise to learn how to breathe. you have my implicit permission not to rake yourself over the coals anymroe. although it's familiar, it's what you know, etc, it's not gonna fix him. there was a time where taking stock and hating ourselves made a difference in our relationships, but it only served to make them feel better because they were watching us do to ourselves what they really wanted to do to ourselves. we were also reflecting to them how they felt about themselves and how much they hated themselves. so I would really recommend you give tghought to why you're so hard on yourself. of course, undoing these habits will take time, but you have my permission to start now.
You have received many good suggestions and the tools recommended have helped me.
I agree : "It could get much worse!!"
I prayed constantly that the Pain and Anger would be lifted. In retrospect it was like a 6th and 7th Step. Going to daily meetings, reading the Courage to Change and living one day at a time one day I was free .
Please know you are not alone and this works if you work it.
(((Shelly))) Like so many others here, I get it, I really do. The only way to ease the pain is to stop. Just stop, and get to as many f2f meetings as you can.
I was married to my ah for 18 years and knew him for 23. We have 3 kids together, and he replaced me with a married A. We were emeshed in every part of our lives, for we met when were 18 and 19 and literally became grown-ups together. For the first 1.5 yrs of our separation, I would frequently drive by his place and our business. It didn't help that both were located on common routes I always took to get out of town. Sometimes I'd drive by just because, sometimes to see if he was home, sometimes to see if he wasn't, sometimes to see if he was at work, sometimes to see if he was where he said he was, and always to see if she was with him. If he wasn't home I'd wonder where he was. Was he at work? Is he at her house? Could he be at AA? If he was home and I saw her car, it set me into a tailspin. If I didn't see her car, well, it didn't mean anything and I knew it, so the spiraling continued, round and round and round and I got crazier and crazier. If I couldn't find him, where was he?!! On and on and on.... it was chaotic, painful and pointless. Took a long while for me to realize that it did not make me feel good, not at all. Never did I get any satisfaction. NEVER! There was no good outcome. So, I finally developed a new pattern of driving and stopped driving by. I just stopped. It wasn't easy. Practice, practice, practice.... and you know what? Now you couldn't pay me to drive by, and I will go out of my way not to.
Emails, phone calls, texts, letters, myspace... are pointless. Right now you will never receive what you are looking for - love, acceptance, honesty and a rational and kind person to communicate with. Doesn't mean that can't change in time, but right now, it is not gonna happen. You need to get better for you and your son. The only way to relieve the pain is to release yourself from him and get into the program. We are walking with you Shelly, and many are holding the light in front of you to show you the way. You don't have to do this alone. Just surrender and follow.....
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
This is too big of a job to do on your own. I slipped a couple of days ago and am digging my way back out of it. If I had not had the contact with my f2f group members, my sponsor or the support from my MIP family, I would still be in that dark hole.
"The sad part is that the best I feel is when he and I don't talk or email or anything. During those periods of time I feel like I am ok and getting better, ... " -shelly
This is great insight, Shelly!
Seriously - make it simple for yourself. It is like a fork in the road, of contrasts, one great pain, the other - ease, perhaps even peace in time. I will throw a AA/NA saying out there: People, places, things. Stay away from the ones that u cannot trust yourself with. It becomes a boundary to protect you, from yourself. You will continue the insanity & the disease by taking part in it or you can make a better choice for yourself and your son. You have a lot more power that you know. Let exabf to his devices -- think of it in black & white if you have to, heaven or hell, sickness or health.
There were definelty ppl in my life that I simpy had to erradicate for my own peace. What happens is you get new, healthier friends. Like attracts like. Beautiful thing for us, is we can change our minds, change persepctive, change what we focus on and our lives change completely. Focus on YOU and what you wish to manifest, whatever it is, it will grow. That being said, you can have something completely different or grow the insanity your in. It's up to YOU.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Your post sounds like many of the "relapse" shares I hear in my other program. This is a disease of addiction they have theirs and we have them. Christy asks a very important question that I'd like to tag with..."and are you following up on and doing the suggestions?" The recovery comes from changed behaviors. You can still have screwed up thinking and feeling and do the right thing.
We ask before all of our meetings "please turn off your cell phones" so that they will not disturb. Try that one and then go to meetings as has been suggested.
Most of us on here have "relapsed" like this Shelly, and the only thing you can do is dust yourself off, learn from it, and move forward.... Our reality is that sometimes, it is US who start the fights, and this one would sound like one of those situations..... All I can say is "been there, done that, bought the t-shirt..."
Your post title reminded me of one of the "aha moments" in my recovery... I was talking with my ex-AW's counselor at the Treatment Center, and I was telling him how overwhelmed I was with everything, how I had to have everything around me working, in control, etc.... He asked me "why do you have to do all of that stuff", to which I answered "because somebody has to, and I am the healthy and sane one!" - and he gently reminded me "who says you are healthy and sane?"
Living around addiction & alcoholism makes us act in ways that we are not too proud of from time to time, and will continue to do so if we don't choose recovery for ourselves.... Good for you in the self-honesty of posting this, and of the acceptance that you played a (large) part in this particular incident.... It's all part of your growth....
Keep coming back Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I want to thank you for your honesty in this post. It is not easy to admit to ourselves or to others the things that we do that we know aren't healthy behaviours. It takes courage to put yourself out there and to be vulnerable to the comments of the posters on this board. I am sure everyone here has done things (over and over and over and over) that they are not proud of or that maybe they wouldn't even be willing to admit.
I know that I have repeated the same mistakes many many times, finding myself no further ahead for it - probably even worse off. I am sure everyone else here has too. Sometimes it takes banging our own heads from all possible angles to verify that indeed, it's not a good idea! At least that's been my experience.
Sounds like you've banged your head enough that you don't need any more verification. It sounds like you are ready for a change. Now it's just a matter of choosing the right alternative for you and putting it into practice!
Don't be so hard on yourself. I would have probably responded the same way that you did.
I think lots of times we become addicted to the drama the person with the disease presents to us. I call it the "endless dance". However, it is not a happy dance for sure. Believe me, I have been in the "endless dance" with my AD many, many times. I always tell myself "Never again", but dang it, I get sucked back into it again.
So, what you did is probably the same way i would have handled it myself.
Hope you are feeling better!!!
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Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
