The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I was in a relationship the crucial moments for me was when he said he loved me and when the noun "we" came up. The sooner the better. The crucial moments weren't did we have anything in common, did he have stabiity, did he have an anger issue, did he have a substance abuse problem, did he work. Did we have the abiility to cooperate. My magical thinking was that the "we" and the "love" would solve everything. I don't doubt at times the ex A "loved" me but he certainly never had the ability to be a individual let alone a "couple". The obsession for me was when we became a couple and how I could keep us as a couple regardless of how terrible the relationship was.
My mom does that, too. I have never understood where the "we" came from until, believe it or not, my father confronted me. I had ordered a team sweat shirt for my swim team and, not thinking, I said "I ordered this before we quit swimming" my father flew into a rage. "We hadn't quit swimming, he insisted, I had. He was right, but I couldn't see it. Later, in recovery, I could see that my whole life, my family thought with the "we" complex. "We" behaved together, because we effected eachother. For me, this made recovery so much harder. I know today that the "we" stuff is a subtle manipulation technique; it allows for the implication that if "I" do anything, then "I'm not a good daughter. I'm betraying the famuily. The irnoy is that by being a consistent "we" that's exactly what happenes
Unfortunately the only time I am actually part of a "We" is at my f2f. But this strikes a chord. My first Ex A always says WE, even when he is single. He cannot say I, that would be taking responsibility. I have learned I, and in both my relationships hoped for WE, but never got there. They both said WE but meant them. That is ok. I am happy with I. Me. Unlike the A's who cannot find Serenity and peace.
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Never allow someone to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option.
I have never been a part of a "we". I have longed for it, though. I also found "we" when I found al-anon. We as in HP and I. Love this program. I now have what I have always longed for via HP. Hugs, J.
In my family, we had a fun little retort whenever someone used the term "we" inappropriately, and clarification was needed that others were not involved. It was " do you have a mouse in your pocket?" Always changed the focus in a hurry.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I don't believe I ever felt the "we" but I definitely craved it and I definitely crossed boundaries and put up with incredible behavior to try to get to it.
