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I wanted to say thank you to the people that responded to my post regarding the returning of EXABF's property. I always appreciate input.
I don't have a 3rd party that I could utilize to do that sort of thing, and honestly don't feel comfortable involving anyone else in this mess if I did. It's not someone else's mess to clean up-it's mine. I made it, I fell for it over and over, maybe I deserve to feel this way, confused and numb so much of the time-who knows.
No contact is 100% the best thing for me and I know that and can feel it with every passing day as I get my strength back, but I feel that I got myself into this mess, I need to get myself out of it-just have to find the best way to do that and not have contact.
I may be stressing prematurely, maybe EXABF just wanted me to have the thought in my head that he would be in touch, as the grill he NEVER used until he and I met, and the bike he went and bought so we could all ride together as to quote him "a family". So there is a possibility that he wont even contact me and I am really going to cling to that possibility. If he does there is a huge part of me that just thinks "ignore him and he'll eventually go away", like I said the bike and grill weren't his lifelines in any way shape or form.
I know right now, today, I am not capable of dealing with this, and HATE it even taking up my thoughts, so I am just going to let it go for now, and hope that it all goes away. Maybe that is the wrong thing to do, I've never been one to run away from my problems but for the first time in my life, with this situation with EXABF, that is what I want to do. I don't want to talk to him, or see him, or hear from him, or have him come to my job.......I just want to be left alone.
I told him in the last email I sent him that "I needed time to figure things out-that the dance we have done for the past months has left me mentally exhausted.....and I can't even think straight anymore" Why would he think contacting me after "giving me some time" is the right thing to do to me??? WHYYYYYYYY can't he see that he has done enough already and just let me be?????????
Thanks for listening...... shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
I have some of the ex A's junk in storage. Last time he came to get them he made a scene. The stuff is buried and I'll deal with it when I have time to. I very much doubt if that will involve contacting him. I also know it is absolute junk (he is a hoarder).
Be kind to yourself. Relationships don't end and tie up nicely in a pretty parcel there are many many loose ends.
this may not make any sense, but I'm gonna give it a go anyway: by getting rid of his stuff, and saying good bye, you'll get closure and end the pain, or at least be on the road to it. When I started cleaning out my stuff to move here to Louisville, I finally got rid of all the pain, too. I put the past in the past, rather than wishing things could have been different and relliving things. Maybe by giving him his stuff, saying good bye all that stuff, you'll gain a sense of peace. I know it worked for me.
Well..... as an alternate perspective.... if somebody contacted me saying,
"I needed time to figure things out-that the dance we have done for the past months has left me mentally exhausted.....and I can't even think straight anymore";
I might think that saying, ok, I will contact you in a few months, was HONORING that person's wishes, ie giving them some time (ok, I made the connection that time=a few months, but I was given no other guidance) without any contact from me.
How many days has it been since this last exchange between the two of you? 10? And you're still hyperventilating about it? From where I'm standing, shelly, it looks like you're dancing with yourself.
"I don't want to talk to him, or see him, or hear from him, or have him come to my job.......I just want to be left alone. "
.... Do you want to THINK about him? No? Then decide what you will think about instead, when you catch yourself thinking about him. Write it down and put it in your pocket, so when you realize you're thinking about him, you don't have to get all flustered, you can just calmly reach in your pocket and pull out your reminder to yourself.
Are you still getting to that f2f meeting every week? Go back and read your post from eight days ago - you talk about how you didn't want to go, but when you went, you felt stronger and better afterwards. You might even want to think about more meetings - in crisis, it's especially helpful to ramp up the exposure to program.
Did you try the take a deep breath and name your surroundings thing? Please take what you like, and leave the rest.
Why ?? one of the most usless questions on the planet , only he knows the answer to that one . Obviously he is not concerned what this turmoil is doing to you , it is always about them . When my husb left our home , thanks to the experiences of others in my group , Ipacked al of his things in boxes and got them out of my site , nothing worse than opening a drawer and seeing a toothbrush or hairbrush it just kinda ruins your morning . an AA friend of mine told me he left things in the home because then he could always find a reason to go back and check things out , he was drinking at the time and he needed to continue to have contact . pack it up , get it out of site u will feel much better . just my experience . Louise
shelly hon, apparently not taking care of it is not working, so how can ya leave it to chance he won't contact you?
If I were you I would send a letter, copy it. Put your bike and grill will be in my front yard, whatever day and time. If you don't come pick them up I am putting them on Craigslist for free. Period.
Put it in his lap. For me I won't allow anyone to leave their junk with me so they feel they have a connection with me.
He is not believing you because he is using this as a connection. sick I know.
And when we don't act, give it away, give him a chance to get it or it is gone, I feel I am enabling his behavior.
Ya cannot let it go when it is still right there in your space hon.
I know you will figure it out, we have shared a long journey together girl.
If you continue to wait for him to make a decision, it will never happen and NOTHING will change.
You are all twisted up over the mere possibility that he may contact you.
Stay in the present. He hasn't contacted you. You don't have to do anything until that happens, if it ever does. In the meantime, you are all torn up over something that I would bet my paycheck on that he hasn't thought twice about.
The choice is yours. Really.
Do you want serenity or emotional chaos?? It is up to you.
Yours in Recovery,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
The feedback you got...awesome!! I've helped others do restraining orders and all that were approved were "no contact" either way though none of them ever said "don't even think about it or the other person." Sounds like along with the bike and grill he is renting space in your head and not even sending a check. I won't laugh at your situation because it was murder for me when I went thru it dragging my sponsor and anyone else within earshot thru it with me. It was temporary also. Following the suggestion of more meetings, keeping and open mind, and all of the other suggestions I could possibly follow up on also I got myself back along with some real peace of mind and serenity.
Don't even contact him in your head. (((((hugs)))))
Didn't you say he had mentioned to a friend that he will have to contact you?
Ya know girlfriend....you have been obsessing over this and he didn't even say it to you, or say when, or if ever. You are all worked up and he hasn't said word one to you about it. So, for the last couple days you've spun yourself in to a frenzy with "why's" and "how could he's". For what purpose?
I wonder what you could have been doing instead if you took one day at a time and just rolled with what IS today..What is REALLY happening?
Yesterday, did he contact you? NO? Then forget it. Today, did he contact you? No? Then forget it.
When/if he does, tell him what time the items will be by the front door and he has until X:00 to get them, then lock up and leave. If the items are still there after X:00 then I guess they are yours to do whatever with.
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I should add that there was one point where I had the ex A's tools. Every bit of me wanted to hold onto them and not deal with him. I arranged for him to pick them up (he made a scene). The good thing was that was the end of it. I stopped all contact with him shortly thereafter. Ending a relationship is often multi stage it is seldom anything but messy. Eventually the mess gets cleaned up. The more you can detach, focus and work on taking care of yourself the better.
