The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The past couple of days have been upand down for me emotionally.I'm finding that while I can usually maintain my composure during a confrontation or at least physically detach myself from it, the emotional effects inevitably set in the next day.
Yesterday I was filled with hurt and sadness.I felt crushingly depressed.Basically because I was told the day before that my opinions not only didn't matter but were flat out wrong, that I was responsible for how someone else felt and that I was fat. I was also told at some point over the weekend that I needed to get a sense of humor and a soul.Some of these things are said "in jest", but I'm coming to believe that even things said "in jest" that hurt are still meant to be hurtful, just in an passive-aggressive manner.But how do I communicate that?Is it even worth it?What value will there be in expressing that point of view when there's a good chance it will be thrown right back onto me as being my fault or that I'm just being "overly sensitive"?
Yesterday I was tearfully grateful to discover that, in addition to the loving responses I received on the message board, members of my f2f group were thinking of me enough to give me a call.Interestingly enough, my sponsor had called me the day before right at about the time I was learning that what I thought didn't matter.When I wasn't strong enough to reach out to fellow members, they reached out to me.Amazing.
Today I feel better less emotionally hung over, but still very fragile.My sponsor gave me a homework assignment - step 2 work.Making a list at this point, the categories I recall "are what do I want?", "what am I getting out of my current situation?" and "how can I get what I want?".There was a 4th one, but I'll probably have to call her today to get those categories again :pShe also asked me to make a list of things I wanted restored to me she mentioned sanity, my first thought was trust.Ok, so there's 2 things for my list.I think I'm going to add self-esteem and self-respect to that list as well.
Thanks for listening,
bg
-- Edited by blender_girl on Tuesday 21st of April 2009 11:14:44 AM
-- Edited by blender_girl on Tuesday 21st of April 2009 11:16:40 AM
I am glad you had support come to you, when you needed it - it is amazing!
A few things come to mind here -- & my impression is the same person said all of those hateful things to you. First off, is consider the source. Secondly, you already know they were trying to hurt you on purpose. You can choose to know it's not the truth and don't bring it deep inside of you (taking things in deeply & assimilating what the world gives us, is soul destroying). It's like - here's some poison, u know if u take it, it will kill you - do u take it or walk away. I simply think, this person must themselves be in a lot of pain, to lash out & attack you. When this happens to me, I pray for them & work to let them go. I am getting better at releasing things from my mind. Something similar happened to me this weekend. We were at a party. This is the second time, I am meeting my b/f's college friends. We were all very drunk and at around 3 am, one very drunk person began to attack me personally. Told me no one in the group likes me, I should go home to Texas & on & on. I didn't take it personally -- why should I? here I am an innocent outsider, didnt provoke, jus there. Clearly this guy has anger issues (or whatever). The only person's opinion I care about in the group, is my b/f. He loves me. This other guy (in his condition) obviously thinks my b/f is a loser for moving me up here. Or he doesn't value his choice (in me). Again, that's not our concern. The only thing that matters is how b/f & i feel about each other. We love each other. He was trying to spread disharmony & it didnt work ~ we're stronger than that. We are committed. I also said, b/c I am an outsider, I am a target. So it may well happen again. I may not just laugh & call him ridiculous (seems like nothing gets people madder then when you dont react at all). anyway, it was all just one drunk person's opinion or misplaced/transferred anger. Either way, it is no relefection on me, has nothing to do with me. I will not consider that opinion - it doesnt jive with mine. I have to live my own life.
I felt like I handled it well -- but I wont forget what that guy said. We'll see what happens next month when I see him again. If he hints at it, my hair may stand up & I may tell him to F off or not, idk what I'll do. I hope I can not engage, to me that sends the best message to all. If he gets no response from me - perhaps he will leave me alone.
I used to very much want to explain myself & get other ppl to understand me. I doubt that others that dont respect or value me, have no interest in understanding. Like I said, this person said hateful things to you -- don't take it in. You know what the truth is. You know you have a soul. Why would any other spiritual person, judge you & then say you need one? I just go back to the kettle calling the pot black. They are the ones with the problem. I commune with god, i know I'm spiritual, no one could tell me otherwise.
This reminds me too, that I am working hard not to engage in every fight that's presented. It isn't necessary or worth it. Being quiet, still makes them appear like the hateful crazies that they are. Here I am, being an innocent by-stander.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion -- value and trust yours, know you are worth so much more. Ultimately, your opionion of YOU is the only relevant thing.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
(((kitty))) Thank you so much for your response. The person saying all of these things to me is my AH. This is pretty typical stuff out of him when he's not on the other end of the spectrum telling me how he thinks the world of me and how great I'm doing since losing 30 lbs, yada yada yada. I try very hard not to get sucked into either extreme, but sometimes I lose my grip and down I go into the swirling vortex of insanity and end up having to drag myself up from the depths. This would be a lot more difficult without my Alanon family - I do know that!
I used to give the ex A all the power in the relationship. He could floor me in a second. After years and years of working on detachment no one but me gets that power these days. There is no question the love and support I receive from this board has helped me immensely. Therapy is a big help too.
I'm sorry you feel lost and despairing. Whoever is saying all the "shoulds" to you is not taking care of themselves. Shoulding goes out the window when you are looking after yourself.
I have this problem, too. For me, at the time of the event, I handle myself well: I'm calm, responsive, I listen, etc. After the event, I go numb. I shut down, I panic. I've learned, again, like you, with the help of recovering friends, that a few things are usually at work. For one, is usually happens that the event itself isn't what's upsetting me; there's a whole chain of previous events that happened plus this, and I just can't handle it. I'm learning, also, to take inventory on a moment to moment basis; and to acknowledge/take responsibility for my feelings. This way, when "big stuff" happens, I don't get scared, or undone. I'm still not the best at this, but I'm getting beter at it. And, with y'alls help, I'm feeling better at it.
Wow Blender Girl - thank you for posting this. It reminded me of many such abusive conversations I endured with my (thankfully now deceased) mother and ex-husband. Both alcoholics. Took me years of 12 step recovery in Alanon to learn to detach without an axe, learned I am not responsible for anyone elses' feelings but my own, don't look in a cracked mirror for my reflection.
The most difficult part for me was just trying to converse with non-recovering alcoholics. Two drinks and they become different people.
