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Haven't been here for a bit, still trying to find my way back to my program. Haven't let go of it and feel stronger daily but still a far cry from where I need to be. ExABF has told a mutual friend that he will need to be contacting me at some point to get his things (the only things he has left at my house is his grill and his bike-everything else I dropped off two days after we split-boxes of stuff he left behind) Anyway.......my dilema is this.....what do I do? I know I don't have to answer his calls or emails requesting his stuff and I don't plan to-I have NO DESIRE at this point to speak to or see him. Part of me wants to beat him to the punch and get a friend with a truck and dump the stuff at his house while he is gone at work-hence he has no need to contact me-HOWEVER knowing him he will to either A-thank me or B-ask how he can return my things (I really want nothing he has of mine to be honest), so me doing that will not rule out his attempts at contact-I HIGHLY doubt it. And part of me thinks it's his stuff, his problem-not mine, but I do NOT want him anywhere near me, my son or my home at this point. The other part of me, says ya know what????........DO NOTHING! Let go, Let God, IF he should make contact deal with it from there. Yet I HATE feeling like this is hanging over my head and I do NOT want him coming to my work again for any reason-and feel he might if I avoid his calls or emails if he makes contact. To be TOTALLY HONEST......I know me and I am NOT at a point where I feel capable of dealing with any of this right now. I am still very mentally exhausted from the dance EXABF and I have done for months and don't want to even think about dealing with this right now. I was just getting to the point of feeling a bit back together and then he makes this remark and I am up all night again trying to figure out the "best way" to handle it all knowing that right now I am really not capable of dealing with any excess stress in my life right now. Thought I would come here and post and get some ESH as to the best way to handle or NOT handle this mess........thanks for taking the time to read this....... shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Been there done that. I was reminded of the dilema an A faces when invited to say, a wedding where he knows alcohol will be served when he is newly sober. He knows the way he will be effected but still feels the need to debate in his own mind the "correct" thing to do.
Personally, I would drop his stuff off at a third party and ask the third party to contact him to let him know his stuff is there and to NOT contact you.
But that's just me and I really believe that no contact has been the most helpful tool, the best boundry I ever established and stuck to. No contact and time have helped me heal, have allowed me to really understand what was my part and what isn't.
Good luck, try not to obsess, and remember you have choices, more than you know.
I agree with seren... Maybe the friend who told you about his plans would be a good 3rd party. Also you could let that friend know that you don't need any of the things he has back.
I think Seren and CG are on the mark. Utilize that 3rd party - that's your neutral zone that will allow you to maintain the physical distance you need. Notify that 3rd party that your ex can donate your stuff to the charity of his choice.
Just my opinion - take what you like and leave the rest.
I'm glad to see you posting, I know you've been struggling with it all. I feel for you on this dilema. Thinking of the best way to resolve this is albout self care. The slightest contact can be so toxic, just the thought of having to see him causes you to lose sleep. I can see your progress Shelly, you are setting boundaries and looking at it from the view of what is right for you. Try not to worry about the 'what ifs' that is just another form of obsessing. Just for today keep the focus on you. I agree with the others here, use a third party that way you limit the possibility of any contact, BG's idea of donating your stuff to a charity is a good one.
Take care of yourself Shelly and keep coming back.
