The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, I'm rose. I have been to about 3 Al Anon meetings but haven't gone in 3 weeks. Im kind of in a slump and cant seem to make myself do anything. Ive been reading the board for the past few days and decided I want to write. Im hoping there will be some inspirational words here for me, but if not that maybe just some understanding. When I was a child, I never grew up with alcoholism. I didn't know anyone who was an A. A few years ago I started dating this wonderful guy. He joined the army and we started a long distance relationship. He liked to drink alot but I didnt think it was a problem until I had to call off our wedding because of it. We took some time apart and he claimed he would change and at the time, I didn't know better. Two days before he deployed, I decided to marry him. I thought getting married would be an excuse for him to grow up. At the time, I didnt realize that this is a desease and he cant control it. I did not realize it until he came home on a two week leave in February. The first night he was back I had to work, so I was going to go pick him up from his parents house when I got off at 11:30. Well his dad (also an A) and him decided to go out for a "few beers." My A ended up getting so drunk that he passed out, no one called to tell me and he obviously wasnt able to call either. The next day he aplogized profusely and told me that it would never happen again. That he would control it. Well he tried and succeeded on superbowl sunday. However his brother (also an A) was having 3 bday parties that week. So of course my husband had to be there for them. The one night I told him just to stay at his parents and that was fine. Two days later, I had to work again so he went to his parents (he was supposed to spend time with them because he was leaving in two days)....well it happened again. Except this time I got to be on the phone when he got mad about whatever it is they get mad about. Then I hung up because I couldnt take it. And he never came home. He called me the next day once again so apologetic, and because he was leaving in one day to go back to Iraq I decided that I still wanted to spend time with him. Well he's been gone for two months now and it still hurts me very much to think about all this. Im going through the stage of knowing I have no control over him but not completely accepting it. He is not allowed to drink in Iraq so of course he's been great. There are times where I get so depressed abd he doesnt understand why. It just hurts so much to love someone who has a disease like this. Im working on doing things to take care of myself but somedays I cant seem to do anything. I feel helpless. Ive been praying and that calms me but there is always a nagging feeling of hoplessness. Sorry about the long post. I feel much better just writing how I feel to people who understand. Thank you for reading this and giving any input you might have. It means alot to me.
Hi Rose, I just posted about meetings... If you are in an area with healthy meetings, all I can encourage is keep 'going' back... There's no timetable. It took me years to 'accept' a lot of my situation, and a lot of kind Al Anon and open AA friends to do it. SOmething that is powerful for me: "as we recover, the family situation is boun dto change..."
FOr me the key word is "bound" and I find a lot of power in that. My relationships with my parents (I am and adult child) and all have all changed. I choose different friends now. I know what those 'uh oh' feelings are, and what to do with them, or better, that I have choices.
May I suggest that you are not helpless? As you feel comfortable, you could listen and connect with others "no matter what your problems, there are those of us who've had them too". This was another key one for me in not being alone. None of us are, unless we choose to be.
The first meeting I walked into in NYC around 4 years ago, I was met, quietly by "Tim", who said very, very quietly to me (room full of about 30 people, getting their seats) "first meeting?" me: "YEah", shaking. "Let's sit down".... we did. Me: "what do we do". He didn't say anything except to start listening to the chairperson opening the meeting. After, as I trembled, he suggested "90 meeting in 90 days". I thought at the time he was crazy. Now I know, he wasn't.
Welcome rosepaul to alanon & this forum. The most empowering thing you can do for yourself (& your A) is to get to meetings, learn all u can about this disease. Read all the pamhlets u can get your hands on, listen at the meetings & when ur ready start sharing. Falling into the manipulative emotional games, makes us feel sick and crazy. Learn to detach from the A's disease and focus on you and live life to the fullest.
You know what healthy and happy is, focus on you -- we are all adults and will make our own choices. All we can do is make the ones that are the best for us. Praying is extremely powerful, give ur AH to his god/HP and have faith for both of you. There is hope. I know u feeel helpless right now in regards to your A but take that attention, put it on you and flourish. This will be the best thing for you and it will help your A. I know it sounds funny but the more we can detach from our A's actions and focus on us, it will allow him to deal with his own demons his own way. We cant do anything to make it easier for them, all we can do is work on us.
Seperate you beloved husband from the disease - it's like love the sinner, not the sin. Anyway, all focusing on them does, is make us sick. Live the best life you can.
Know also that you are no longer alone. This forum has a chat room & two daily mtgs in there. Welcome to al-anon and our strong fellowship.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
somedays I cant seem to do anything. I feel helpless. Ive been praying and that calms me but there is always a nagging feeling of hoplessness.
Welcome Rose,
You have been given some great suggestions. You are not alone. I can so identify with the feeling of helplessness and hopefulness that you mentioned. Please try to get back to your alanon meetings. Alcoholism is a disease, like no other.
Alanon meetings and the tools that are suggested, will empower you to live life with Dignity and Hope and still love the alcoholic.
I am glad you are praying and finding comfort. Please try to live just one day at a time, focus on yourself and keep coming back.
(((Rose)))I so know how you feel. I kicked my husband out about 2 months ago and I have hardly seen him. It is so hard to be in love with an alcoholic. They have a heart somewhere but it seems hidden under the layers (and years) of denial. I want my husband to get better so we can live a normal life and do things together. But I have realised in this frustrating and sometimes lonely time that I may as well use it to better myself. (I also have to face that he may never get better but I don't think about that much yet as I am not ready to) It would be easy to just get him back and fall back into our lifestyle. But it would be like falling back into a comfort zone where I was so stressed, anxious and angry all the time that I was insane. I have learnt in this teeth gritting lonely time of missing him that I can get through just one day at a time. Just like an alcoholic must refuse to drink one day at a time, I have to give up my craving for the alcoholic one day at a time!! I was so addicted to using him as my little blame blanket. Anything that went wrong in my life I just mentally attributed it to him! Looking back, it didn't make sense at all! Anyway, hang in and keep praying God will take care of you as he is doing to me. Silverbrumby
Aloha Rosepaul...You've come to the right place and you are qualified for the program. The suggestions of face to face meetings and all the literature you can get a hold of are very good ones. I was told to do meetings for 90 days (90/90) and was able to get in 3 a day at time. I also had that deep sense of helplessness and hopelessness and then was told that those are normal for people who the disease of alcoholism has ravaged. You are suppose to feel like this and only so far as you stay the way you are which is not necessary. The white pages of your local telephone book should have a listing for Al-Anon. Call that hotline number and get the listings of meeting and place to go to and make a commitment to your recovery. You can recover from this if you are willing and honest. Keep coming back here...MIP might have just been the answer to your prayers.
I got my butt to a meeting last night and felt great after it. I dont know why I kept myself away from something for two weeks that makes me feel good. Al anon is like a war fuzzy blanket. So is this message board. You all are so wonderful and strong and I very much look up to you. Thank you and thank God for all of you.
, anxious
and angry
all the time that I was insane.
Silverbrumby