Feeling very Selfish - Al-Anon Family Group

N8SMOM · Senior Member

Feeling very Selfish

lmw · Senior Member

(((((N8SMOM)))))

If you don't take care of the things you need, who will? I don't think it's selfish - it's self-preservation.

Why is his program more important than yours? YOU are worth taking care of, and you're the one who gets to do it. Any chance your little one would sleep through the meeting if you bring him or her along? Or can you get someone to come to your home and watch your 3-year-old for a couple hours? If you can't afford to hire a sitter, maybe you could trade child care with a friend. You're right, it's not fair. Andit doesn't have to be all about your AH. YOU are worth it.

Just my 2 cents.

Linda

blender_girl · Senior Member

((n8smom))

"I know his program is probably more important than mine, but it's just not fair (yeah, I know I sound like a kid). "

This struck me kinda weird - both programs are important, of course, but in my opinion, YOUR program is/should be more important to YOU. Heck, I don't know, maybe I'm being selfish here ....

Anyway - you may not be out of luck with your Monday group if this out patient thing comes to pass. Check with other members of that group - they may be willing to have your little one come with you, especially if you have something for him/her to do and it's only for a short number of meetings. I've been to meetings before where both parents had their meetings (his AA, hers Alanon) and the 3 year old was set up with a portable DVD player close by, some headphones and a snack. He was very well behaved and did not disrupt the meeting at all. I personally didn't mind it and no one else in the room minded either.

It never hurts to ask - if this is a group you are really comfortable in, it would be worth it to find out if they'd be willing to accomodate you on a temporary basis. The worst that could happen is that they'd say 'No, we're sorry...". They may even have other ideas for you.

Take what you like and leave the rest -

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

I do agree with lmw and Blender.

However, what also comes to mind, is

Just for today.

This too shall pass.

How important is it?

Sometimes, HP has a better plan in mind than the one we have. For some reason, HP may need you at the other meetings...?

Just a thought.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I like to see this as the split in the road where he gets to go take care of himself
and you do the same for you. Both grow and the road comes back together.
Do the next best thing for your own healing. You have been trounced by
alcoholism and have a way out. He gets to growup without you.

I like the responses you got from family. (((((hugs))))) smile

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi and welcome , well since it's your fav meeting perhaps u can find enough money to hire a sitter for the nite , your recovery is just as important as his. talk to hubby explain that u really enjoy that meeting and would like to find a sitter for a couple of hrs that nite then your not walking around with a resentment . ya never know he is sober now he just might be willing to do that . If thats not possible ,then hold on to the thought that i'ts only 6 weeks and u will be back . goodluck Louise

Inpain · Senior Member

Hi N8SMOM,

I know your feeling SO well. I wish I didn't. I have 3 small children 5,5, and 4 and babysitting for me runs about $10-$12 an hour and I lost my job in February, so it's sort of out of the question for the moment, but honestly, if there is a will, there is a way.

Do you have family that could watch your child? Is there a neighbor you are comfortable with that might do it? I like the suggestion of trading time with another mom too.

OR, MAYBE, there are other moms in the Al-Anon group you like that would like to see the same thing? My favorite F2F meets in a church and it's a women's group. I know there is no one with young children, but if there were others, I would certainly approach them and ask if a babysitting option could be added to the meeting and then the women who need it, split the time for a babysitter.

You have options. Think them all through. I know when a roadblock comes up I feel defeated all the time, but I try to take a step back and look at what I can do to achieve my goal some other way. It's hard, but possible.

Good luck.

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

You def got some good suggestions from our MIP family.

As far as feeling selfish goes ~ I realized, for me, it was self-preservation and it was something I was not used to. Once I accepted logically, it was for self-preservation, making *me* a priority was something I became willing to do. Besides, if mom is better, happier & healthier, it effects the whole family & community in a more positive way. You are worth it!

SLS · Senior Member

There is a difference between self-care and being selfish. Self-care is essential to your recovery and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You are of no good to your family or your A if you are not healthy--spritually, physically and emotionally.

Early in my and my AH's recovery, it was pointed out to me that I was acting as if his recovery was more important than mine. The A's recovery is not more important than ours.

And, there is a difference between compromise and capitulation. Watch out for the inclination to martyr yourself for him...we Al-Anons have a tendency to do that, don't we??

Yours in Recovery,

SLS

Loupiness · ~*Service Worker*~

This is a topic that is near and dear to my heart, and one, admittedly, that I am slowly letting go of my resentment around.

I have 3 kids. My exA is in an intense, monitored recovery program. He attends 5 AA meetings a week, personal counseling, 2 professional group counseling sessions, and 2 relapse recovery classes. He does this all while working full-time. So, almost every evening he is doing something, and I have to squeeze my recovery in. He has been doing it for 18 months now, and has 3.5 years to go.

It took me a while to accept that his schedule wasn't going to be changing, and he wasn't suddenly going to ask (or care) how it affected me. So, I dropped my expectations of him "helping" me, and took charge of myself. Once I adopted this attitude, I became incredibly resourceful.

I agree with all the other responses you received. Sometimes all you need to do is ask. 6 wks is a finite period of time. When I finally reached out and asked my sis-in-law to watch my 3 kids so I could attend a 5-wk co-dependency class, I was amazed at how simple it was. Everything fell into place. I also have seen women set up thier kids with a dvd player, earphones and a snack, and it was great. I know for me it has been difficult to reach out for help, but I also have discovered that many are as willing to help me as I am to help them. Also, I think it is wonderful to try another meeting and establish another place you feel comfortable. You may be surprised to discover some of the same people in attendance and realize you love the new meeting just as much or even more.

Although my exA's recovery is ultimately about him and for him, I also see it as something for my kids and my sanity. They deserve a sober, functional, loving father, and right now that is what they have. So, I silently support his recovery while taking care of me. It is a gift to all of us. You can do it. You are worth it.

Blessings,
Lou

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

In my early recovery, it felt necessary to learn to use my voice, to finally speak up for myself. I had lost myself, and my voice during my marriage. In my early recovery, I was clumsy and went to the opposite spectrum sometimes, screaming for my rights!!

I eventually learned to pick my battles. How important is it? It may be very important for your recovery, I do not know one way or the other. The positive is, you can still get to a meeting. It's not your favorite, but only for 6 weeks.

I agree this is about self-care, it is not selfish. What would help (or hurt) you the most? What can you live with, with the least amount of regret?

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.