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I'm new to posting but have been lurking for a while. You have all been very insirational and helpful. I see a myself in all of you. I have been using detachment and boundaries for a while now, and it finally had an impact on my AH. He finally understood over the weekend that he has a huge problem, and has begun going to AA and entered a Detox program willingly. He intends to attend every AA meeting going when he comes home, and perhaps enter an in patient or outpatient rehab centre depending on it goes. We have 2 small children as well. Anyway, he is coming home on Friday and I am well prepared emotionally for him replasing. I am also well prepared for taking care of myself and our children's happiness while he focuses on his recovery. I know it is his recovery and I am planning to stay out of the way of it. I had one question though on whether I should remove the beer and beer bottles/cans etc from the garage/house before he gets home. He says that it is OK, but I'm am torn between leaving him to clean up his own mess (side of the street) and leaving temptation in direct line of sight. I know I cannot control if he ever drinks again (he can drive to the store and buy more).. but I struggle with leaving it right there to call to him.... Any wisdom much appreciated...
I would say, if you've already talked about it with him, then by all means do what you talked about. And even if you haven't.....
If you get rid of it, and he really WAS prepared to dump it out.... how will he feel? And if you get rid of it, and he was just going to sit down and drink it - he'll just go get more, and sit down and drink it.
Meanwhile if you DON'T get rid of it, he might
- leave it there for a while because he's not ready to look at it yet - drink it without having to go buy more - dump it all out at once - some other option I haven't thought of (it always shocks me, but there's almost always at least one, & usually several, of these!)
When my AH lost his job & got a dui in rapid succession, and finally got serious about getting sober, when he went to get the truck out of hock (I knew not to do that for him) he told me, There was part of a bottle in there. I didn't even think about that. Me - oh! I'm so sorry! (Implying, I should have poured it out for him) Him - I poured it all out. Me - that's great, sweetie (realizing, thank goodness I DIDN'T realize it would be there & pour it all out - I would have taken this achievement away from him.)
Missy I have an AA friend who got out of hosp , went to liquor store bought 40 lder and went home and sat at his bar in the basement , he looked at it for a few hrs and went upstairs and told his family to not touch that glass , to leave it right where it was til He threw it out . it sat on that bar for a yr , had mold on it , and evaporated away but no one touched it . You have a right to tel him that the beer is bothering u being there then let it go , to get rid of it should be his choice . Enjoy sobriety and find some meetings for yourself if your not going already . your gonna need em . Louise
I don't really have any advice to offer, other than to share my story.
Before my boyfriend got out of detox, I went through the house and threw out every pill in my path, including a few good ibuprofen (how I needed them last night when I struggled with an eye-bulging migraine). We had lived together for eight years, but I had expanded my boundaries a bit, and asked him to leave, hence the reason he entered the hospital. So in my mind it was MY house and I had every right to go through MY house and get rid of any drugs - I had never taken such drastic action before.
When he made a brief pitstop at home after he got out of the hospital, he mentioned that he hoped he could find his stash of sleeping pills - a hospital doctor had prescribed some for a two week period post-discharge, but he didn't have time to get his prescription filled after leaving the hospital. I explained to him what I did, he laughed and said, "No problem."
In my mind, I thought, "That's right. It is not my problem any more." And thanks to Al-Anon, it's becoming less and less my problem every day.
He still does not live with me, and has made arrangements to enter long-term inpatient treatment.
Good luck to you. Whatever choice you make, stay strong!!
When my uncle got out of detox, I had gone thru and dumped all his bottles. When my ex got out of rehab, I had the car cleaned top to bottom and the house also. When my father's partner got out of rehab I tossed everything that he could get high on.I was not asked to do this. I did it because I hate drugs and alcohol. I really really do.
And the places these men stayed were MY homes. They chose to drink and drug and as soon as they were out of MY home, I got rid of the drugs and alcohol.
My motive had NOTHING to do with them, it was all about ME and what I was comfortable with.
What a variety of responses and ESH you got. I fixated on the part where you asked and he agreed...wonderful. Since you have been lurking around and reading the ESH here you are aware that resentments are a part of how we live either with them or having them dropped upon us. Not a fun game at all however there is a solution. You both agree to it. Make a note about it, date it and both sign it. There maybe a need for it in the future...just might maybe not, then who can tell when we only live one day at a time.
Keep coming back...lurking is legal here especially if we get the better for you.
My Ason is on a home treatment programme as of last week...
After 3 days and nights of the dt's he went out, bought some gin (just by chance the people in the shop told us he'd bought it). We confronted him, he admitted he has 'habits' he has to work harder on... (like not having the comfort bottle just in case...) he produced it , unopened, from under his bed and he poured it out down the toilet.
Before he came home we removed all alcohol , and don't drink in front of him. This was our choice and not a difficult one.
We agreed the boundaries with him before he came home and he knows if he chooses alcohol he will have to leave. We're all works in progress
When my AH was coming home from rehab, I removed all the alcohol from the house and cleaned his truck from top to bottom. Now that was a shocking surprise, let me tell you! Until I read this thread, I never thought about it not being the right thing to do. I guess I saw it as a new beginning. I do remember him saying "thank you" when he saw all the wine was gone.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
A quick update... due to circumstances, I never did get around to cleaning up the mess and the leftover beer before he got home. When we arrived, he saw the beer in the garage (along with 5 or 6 other types of non alcoholic drinks his mom went and got for him, so that he would never be 'thirsty'). He didn't touch them. They remained on the work bench on Saturday, and then on Sunday ( a perfect beer dirking kind of weather day), he announces that he was taking them over to his buddies house to give them away. He arrived back home 15 minutes later looking relieved that they were gone from his sight. I was so proud of him, and told him so. I do think my higher power was at work when I was prevented from doing the work for him on Friday. The beer is gone, and Hubby had has a personal win over the booze..... I love my HP!!!
We had lived together for eight years, but I had expanded my boundaries a bit, and asked him to leave, hence the reason he entered the hospital. So in my mind it was MY house and I had every right to go through MY house and get rid of any drugs - I had never taken such drastic action before.
