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Why can't people just say what they're thinking/feeling and let the chips fall where they may? Seems as if it's always I'm gonna tell em this but I'm really thinking that or I'm only gonna tell part of what I'm feeling and not say the rest for fear of what the other may say or do. The other thing is why can't people's words and actions match?
You answered your first question in the question! ..... Fear.
As to why words and actions don't match. Sometimes good intentions fall by the wayside to the power of people's diseases. Sometimes we know what we need to do or say in a given situation. But saying and doing are two different things.
In a positive spin on that for me, when I first came into al-anon I picked up concepts, phrases, slogans, etc. very quickly. I would repeat them in shares that sounded really good to me and to others, like I really had a handle on recovery. Was I doing those things myself? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. But the idea was there in my head..yes sometimes I was "faking it 'til I made it" and after enough "faking it" sometimes that stuff starts to stick, and voila! I sometimes was not faking anymore.
On the negative side, sometimes I have told people what I thought they wanted to hear just to get away from the issue, knowing full well I was being evasive or outright lying. Why? Again Fear. Fear they would not like me if I told the truth. Fear that I would once again cave into whatever they wanted me to do, because I was unable to say no.
Anyway, just some thoughts your questions evoked in me.
For me, why can't my A say ANYTHING. His lack of security to SAY how he FEELS about anything has cost us a LOT.
I'm so sensitive now how I approach him about ANYTHING, b/c he takes it sooo critically and gets pissed and I have to stop worrying about that.
Yesterday, he came home 45 minutes late. NO phone call. I was PISSED. We have a lot going on in our marriage and for that to happen put me right over the edge. He came in and tried to act like everything was ok.
I calmly explained how his actions made me feel. It was hard for me. I know it upset him too, but all he could say was, "You're right." - It's a cop out. He ALWAYS says that and then does what he wants. It is ridiculous.
I guess the difference is I can say how I feel, and he just avoids EVERYTHING in his life it it causes him miner anxiety.
I echo David - I know for me it is fear that those "chips" will be uncomfortable. It is usually fear of rejection, fear of hurting someone's feelings, fear of embarrassment, fear of the truth....
Interesting you should post this, because I recently had an experience where I wasn't totally honest, and now I have regrets and wish I had done it differently. I am starting to think, maybe the benefits would have been worth the risk? Hmmm... I can say that this is a new way of thinking for me, and one I need to credit to my participation in this recovery program. On the other hand, I have thought about posting the situation here, but I am not brave enough to do so (perhaps afraid the responses won't be what I want?) Obviously, I still have work to do!
I imagine, CG, that with all you have gone through, all you have learned, all of your growth, that you need honesty and now naturally look for congruence in words and actions.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
(( CG )) Being honest is not what most of us are taught. We are told to keep a 'stiff upper lip' if we cry in public, to stuff our feelings as kids. We are told that it's expected to lie on the resume, everyone does it. Those are the sorts of things that made me not want to be a part of normal society. Society in general, I dont think is expecting something real, deep & meaningful. We want it wrapped up in a nice neat little package. The truth is it is difficult to be honest with one's self for most people. The truth hurts. If they are used to lying, then of course their actions will be different from their words. Most ppl are living two realities, their outer one & their subconscious one. I heard a saying here, "listen with your eyes" for that very reason. And it's not just A's that do this, most people do it b/c society sd it was ok.
I couldnt live like this. I have been honest and I've been expressing of my feelings most of my life. Other people have told me that my emoting made them uncomfortable. I just dont think we are used to the truth. I'd say, "I'm sorry you are uncomfortable" to them but I wouldnt necessarliy change what I was doing. I learned that expressing my emotions is critical for good health. I also had ppl tell me that my ability to be real in any situation, gave them courage. My vulnerability gave them courage! I think that's awesome. Listen to you -- be true to you. Two years ago, I decided I wanted a relationship. All I aksed for (from hp) was honesty. (So I assumed that ruled out any A's). I thought I would have to find someone in program, b/c that is the only place I was finding honest people. Well, I did find a non-A (not in program) on my own. Sharing feelings is not always easy but we love & trust each other and we work at our relationship daily & ODAT. He knows all about my past, my family, the program. He calls one day at a time - "taking it easy & slow" LOL.
Be who you are, dont compromise yourself. Nothing is more valubale then your own integrity. I've had ex boyfriends hunt me down for an honest answer b/c "it may have been annoying when we wre together but ur the most honest person I know" is what one said to me & it made me feel validated & terrific for my efforts. I think it took a lot of guts for him to say that to me too.
Being honest, vulnerable & exposed is terrifying but I've done it so much, I dont even mind feeling funny & out there anymore. I used to read a lot of Zen & it says when ur completely vulnerable, you are the victor in all things. Your cards are on the table & no one can fight or defeat that -- total honesty is everything to me. It sets me free & keeps me there. At the end of the day, I have to live with myself, in my own head & as God as my witness.
-- Edited by kitty on Wednesday 15th of April 2009 11:24:07 AM
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I guess the thing this reminds me of is how is it I somehow thought life was going to be equitable and fair? How is it I am still so surprised when actions and thoughts do not match when its all I have seen and known most of my life?! No one promised me that anything would make sense so why am I surprised when it does not? J.
..... Fear.