The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Havent posted for a bit my computer playing up again. I was doing so well after the convention really got the focus on me although I decided to let AB go to be able to do this. Does recovery count if you can only do it when single its not detaching with love. But I never did it to make him change I did it cause I thought it was right decision for me. Hey presto he went out got drunk and thought he couldnt keep on like this and joined AA.
He has been going now for a week or two he actually went to three meetings one after the other over the holiday.
Then bang my focus was back on him. I started the controlling again. Trying to rush him through the stages it has taken me 18 months to grasp. I am so sick I dont know how he puts up with me. I have been so full of fear. I carnt trust this disease I want to run but he is trying so hard. He is lecturing his mum and alcoholic uncle on their drinking. He is noticing everyone drinking and how crazy it is.
We had a chat today I explain my feelings fears. We had a chat said we will see each other very casually. I have to step back and leave him to hp. MY fears are driving me crazy. Today I got my blueprint out for progress I am determined to focus on me and my illness/shortcomings. I have just been to visit my friends I am really trying to focus on my life. Is there anyone who is managing to live alongside an A and actually work this programme most of the healthy people seem to have made the decision to leave.
I went to an open AA I really understand that this disease is always lurking but if he is in AA then I am willing to work my programme and try and heal together.
Hi... your post is a great reminder of how ultra-important it is for us to work our own programs, and let our A's work theirs.... Remember, the Three C's are equally applicable to his sobriety too... you can't "cause, cure, or control" his sobriety, anymore than you could his drinking....
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Good work Tracy!! Little bit of buffing here and there and it all gets better...never perfect...so I had to take that word and thought from my mind and vocabulary. I also had to stick with an old thought that my former sponsor taught me when I use to do the "I wish" or "if onlys" things regarding always being on the same page and in sync with my alcoholic (if I just think about that one it sound even more unrational than before). He told me that two people cannot stand in the same place at the same time without one getting their toes stepped on. I visualize that (part of the practice) and then opened up my mind to further insight. He mentioned that the best I could hope for was to be traveling in the same direction from time to time while on the journey. That is the way it is today finally. The last time I saw my alcoholic she was in recovery and working at staying on the path for herself also.
Your post reminds of a place I have been and where I still visit frequently. Sometimes I get caught up in the dream of dual recovery which for me is focusing on my recovery in the context of my relationship. I am sick. I have an illness that I try to control my ABF and that I need the assurance that he is clean and sober and committed to his own recovery because if he's NOT and I stay in this relationship then what does that say about me? There have been times when I've been committed to my OWN recovery ONLY when it betters my relationship. My ABF moved a 1000 miles away from me to Florida to go to a halfway house and start over. This was devestating to me. I had expected him to come out of rehab and want to start over WITH ME. When he moved away, I was a maniac. I thought I needed to be committed, that is how crazy I felt because he wasn't physically close to me I couldn't monitor his recovery. (As I have any control anyway!) This made me crazy until I accepted that I am powerless over HIM and that the minute I STOP following my program I begin to engage in behaviors that are a symptom of my illness. At some point I had to own up to my role as the victim of HIS disease and decide to take my life back. I could only do this if I viewed my life in terms of CHOICES and I had made a concious decision to stay in that relationship. I had to own my choices, good or bad. This was and still is vital to my recovery from MY illness, my low self-worth and self-esteem and from the codependent ways I have lived my life for many, many years.
It is EASY to be focused on myself and my program when he is working his. When he is not, when he is faltering it is challenging and painful and tests me and willingness to follow the program principles. It's hard to have a HANDS OFF attitude towards him and his program but, when I REALLY sit and think about it, I know that anytime I assist even a LITTLE bit in HELPING him do something he can do for himself, I am really hurting him. He must make the decision to be committed to HIS program. I must accept that he may NOT make this decision, he may RELAPSE and I may need to move on and this is the painful reality of it. You're not alone and I am so glad that you shared!!
