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Hello all! I am returning to the board after realizing I can not do this alone anymore. My husbands drinking is spiraling out of control. We have a beautiful 8 year old daughter that deserves a normal childhood. She rarely has friends over since he is so unpredictable. I am a teacher in a local public school so all her friends attend there. Its bad enough we have to live with the disease much less have her friends see him and tell others. I am ashamed to say the least. I have tried to help him over the years but he is in complete and total denile. My family is extremely supportive thank GOD. I am debating asking him to move out until he gets himself together. I have told him in the past but he doesn't believe I will do it. I would rather live paycheck to paycheck than watch him kill himself right before our eyes. Is there any good or peaceful way to seperate after 17 years?? I have explained to our daughter that I love him enough to let him go. He will always be her father and I completely respect that and would never deny him he right to see her. However, I am not willing to leave her w/him while he is drinking. Last week I knew he was drinking but couldn't find it. He had burried it in the yard. I was shocked. When I handed him the bottle he told me I was weirding him out. He thinks we are stupid and blind. He proceeded to tell us it wasn't his and he wasn't drinking. It is noy uncommon for him to drink an entire bottle of Jim Beam or Jack Daniels in a couple of hours. I am worried, and scared but I know this is not a good environment for a child. She sees and understands it all. She always asks is daddy being good today? The second she sees a drink in his hand her head just drops and is instantly sad. She told me you know the only way he is ever going to get better is if you make him leave. Heartbreaking to say the least. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I feel like I am dying right along with him.
You have a smart daughter and she seems like a very strong young woman. She understands that Dad has a problem and she wants him to get help. You need to do what is best for you and your daughter right now, and let him take care of himself. I was at a face-to-face Alanon meeting last night and the topic of discussion was how a parent's drinking can affect the child. I cannot tell you how many people in that meeting had to deal with things like that when they were kids, but now find themselves doing the same things their parents did. You need to try to break this vicuous cycle for your daughter's sake and for your sake.
I know she's only 8 years old, but perhaps it would be good for her to attend some alateen meetings? And you should go to some alanon meetings - they have helped me out so much these past few weeks and I look forward to going to them whenever I get the chance.
Let me finish by telling you a little story that my older sister told me the other day. She grew up with our father's drinking - she saw the worst of it and us younger kids were always sheltered from it. Our Dad has been sober for almost 25 years and is still active in AA. My sister told me that she HATED our father until she was 18 years old (that was her age when he had 2 years of sobriety under his belt). How sad that it took her 18 years to love and respect her father?
Wow. Very insightful of an 8 yr old to realize he needs tough love. Good for you for telling her, u love him enough to let him go. As an ACoA myself, the only thing I perceived was she got instantly sad, disappointed when she saw him with a drink. I'd talk to her about seperating the sin from the sinner, as it were, as you said she already sees & understands it all. She needs to learn, like all of us here, that she can be "ok" & still happy in spite of whether he chooses to use or not. Shame is a terrible feeling. It is not your fault or responsibility that he uses. There is a saying, we are only sick as our secrets. Kudos to you for coming back to the board & realizing you can't do this alone. Get to a f2f & get the detachment pamphlet. Your daughter sounds super bright, maybe she could hit a meeting with you. I would think her feelings of sadness need to be addressed. So do your feelings. If we dont deal with them they fester -- honestly they are right where we leave them, if we try to ignore or deny them. Before I knew it, I was a teenager with major emotional issues, I didnt have a mom talking to me about it.
In fact, my mom let me drink. It started with holidays but then as a teen, I could come & go as I pleased & she knew I was using. Many times, I thought, what the hell, if I can't relate - if I cant beat them, join them.
You need support. Then making a tough decision if you need to, will be easier to carry out. You seem to have a handle on boundaires with him regarding your daughter - wonderful for you all.
You sound like a good mom.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
What a sad situation for all of you. And what a very mature little girl you have. You must be so proud of her and yet sad for to see her Dad destroy his life.
I can tell you that living paycheck to paycheck would be better for both of you. I speak from experience. When I left my first husband, after 12 years of marriage, I was so scared that me and my 2 girls would not make it. Well, we did and we had a very happy life. My first husband was abusive physically and emotionally to me; no drinking involved there. But the point is, I had to break the cycle of abuse.
Sometimes you have to let the person hit rock bottom before he realizes he needs help. From what you wrote, I think you know what you need to do. I will keep you and your girl in my prayers.
Hang in there and keep coming back here. There are people here who will support you!!!
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Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
I grew up resentful that we had to revolve everything around whether my father was drinking or not. I also was resentful at my mother for allowing our lives to revolve around him. I no longer do. At the time my mom did the best she could. I know she thought she could change him. I also know she loved him very much, but as a kid you don't know those things. You grow up with a lot of secrets and shame especially if you know of no one else that lived like that. Trying to hide the way my father was...was a daily grind on us kids. I wish someone could have said to me at the time that your father is sick...he has a disease that he cannot help. Don't be ashamed of him. He doesn't want to be like this. I never heard anything like that. As far as I know he was just a drunk. I don't even remember if it was referred to as alcoholism until later on when I was a teenager or maybe when I was married. Now, I have so much compassion for what both of my parents went through. I just wish I knew more than.
Take care of your child and be sure she does not feel that shame associated with aism.
My first would be , if your not already attending Al-Anon meetings please find one quick , give f2f a try for a few months if u can before making a life altering decission . Your taking on the shame of his disease let it go , it has nothing to do with you , it affects you I know but your not going to relax until u stop taking on the guilt of his disease . I am sure u have better things to do than waste time looking for his booze , get rid of it and he will only buy more . save the money and take daughter to a movie or out for supper , girls nite out . Anonymity is the basis of our program don't worr about going to meetings , it is a safe place , your not the one who is drinking so no need to be embarrased . everyone in those rooms is there for the same reason u are , they love an alcoholic .
Hi - re-posting one that I posted last year sometime.... Hope it helps!
"Catching" an alcoholic drinking, by finding their bottles, no matter how demented it seems, is an exercise in futility... I finally gave up looking, when I realized that only one of two things happened:
1. I found the bottles, and got mad & confronted her; or, 2. I didn't find the bottles, but was convinced that she had, in fact, been drinking anyways, so I was just as upset.
"he will either drink, or he won't... what are YOU gonna do?" Turn the focus back onto you...
Take care Tom
What are we really showing our children? Those of you who "know me", know that I am very wary of any insinuation of "strong = leave, and weak = stay" posts, or advice for people on the big stay vs. leave decision....
That being said, I offer up the following bit of E,S&H as a healthy reminder to look at things from all sides, when we are making our paths.....
A good friend of mine, in Al-Anon, shared a touching story with me that I will keep with me forever.... Her A husband was not physically abusive, but was a rager, and was horrible to both her and the kids when he drank.... They avoided him like the plague, and were scared when he was drunk..... She stayed "for the children", until they had both graduated high school.... This lady has a healthy relationship with both of her (now grown) children, and things HAVE worked out okay, but she had an eye opening conversation with her 23-year old daughter that I wanted to share....
They were having dinner one night, and reminiscing about the growing up years, and G said to her daughter "I hope you realized why I stayed.... I wanted you to learn about loyalty, perseverance, and keeping the family unit together". (How many of us have said the same?? I know I did!). Her daughter, without malice, told her Mom: "Mom, what you taught me was that it was okay to be treated like "xxxx" and be ridiculed and not respected". It took me a long time to un-learn these things myself. I love you, but I don't respect your decision on that one."
I share this with the intent of offering another viewpoint..... We are pretty quick to rationalize our thinking, but the reality is that even our own thinking gets clouded within the insanity of living the roller coaster life around an A.... I don't think the "right" answer for everyone is to leave - far from it - but I DO like to examine the facts, as they are shown to us. My counsellor had to (almost yell at me) - tell me "Tom, you are trying to save a white picket fence marriage, but guess what?? Yours is NOT a white picket fence marriage!"
Food for thought
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I feel your post. I am the Mom of a wonderful 4 yr old son and he is my primary concern in all my matters. I know what its like to be on the fence about which grass is greener for my child. It's not an easy decision to make.
Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. Each one of you made excellent points. Today he came home and sodded the front lawn with our daughter. We ate dinner as a family and enjoyed each others company. This is the man I married and miss dearly. He always took such pride in how things looked. He is extremely intelligent, and loving and thank GOD has never been violent when drinking. My daughter and I are taking one day at a time. I started a new weight loss program to get myself healthy today and she dances 4 times a week. So we do keep busy!
It kills me that I waste my time looking for the alcohol. I guess it just upsets me to think he thinks I am stupid. As I told my daughter I feel like I am second guessing myself when I know he is drinking and he says hes not. I should just believe my gut and walk away. I love him but hate the disease.
I don't know how to respond to people when they ask if my husband is ever going to come to a dance competition to watch our daughter? The truth is we didn't invite him as I never know how he is going to be and why would I ruin our daughters day?? I guess I just have a lot to sort out and figure out. I am tired of being tired. I have come to learn there are NO easy answers! Again thank you all for taking the time to respond! :0)
Thank you for sharing Tom! I had a conversation with my daughter not to long ago about husbands and wives being respectful etc... I explained that parents are role models for their children and if I ignored what was going on that it would send her a message that its okay to come home and drink an entire bottle after work daily. At this point she thinks all drinking is bad. I told her that in moderation its not bad but when it gets to the point your drinking everyday alone thats a big red flag.
Alcoholism is a disease and you are aware of it so how can we help? If he had cancer or diabetes where would we point? You might start with your family doctor or clinic. There is literally tons of information on alcoholism available to schools and school teachers. The students should have it; as much as they can have so that they will know what it is and what it is called as they witness it happening around them or to them. I use to run awareness program in two school districts. The kids and teachers all relaxed when they could identify what it was they were so confused and upset about. Your daughter is 8. There is a media in the face to face meeting literature table. It is most visual and informative for the young. "What is drunk, Momma?" is it's title. There is a daily reader for Alateen that you can buy and let your daughter read at her personal leisure. You can show her where in the back of the book to look for subjects that pertain to her at any moment is they concern the family disease. Al-Anon has answers; solutions to the problem and how we respond to them. The experienced members of this forum are gold...real treasures and life savers I would learn more from them if I was sitting face to face with them or across the meeting room. That is what worked for me.
We are never sure what will happen next in this disease. We get better at knowing when we are making better decisions for ourselves. Better decisions for me come best from the face to face meeting rooms of the Family Groups.
(((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 14th of April 2009 10:07:10 PM
