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...my stomach hurts becasue of this recurring issue. I am mad at myself for not being able to handle it...
Ive been remarried almost three years. My husband doesnt like it when my teenage daughter has friends over. I think its because his own daughters don't live with us and he feels jealous or sad. But anyway, my daughter doesnt have friends over much anymore because she sees how mad he gets. But every once in a while (every couple of weeks) she will have girls over to watch a movie, hang out in her bedroom etc.
My husband gets angry and gives "me" the silent treatment when this happens, angry body language OR if I ask him whats worng he will light into me about how his house is overrun, they're eating the food, he needs his space, etc. My daughter and her freinds are very well behaved. My problem is that I feel fear and intimidated by his reaction, yet am not willing to tell my daughter she cant have friends over. What do you think? What would you do?
Wow, that sounds like a tough dynamic between you & ur husband. I'd def be trying to talk about it b/c the anger seems misplaced.
I can talk about it from the step-daughter's perspective, as I was one. You say she is a teenager & well behaved. My mother made sure that I knew I had a safe place at home to be... she certainly didnt want me to be out "experimenting" in unsafe places & it doesnt even seem like your daughter is drinking or smoking pot under your noses. My step-dad & I always had resentment with each other. He was/is only seven years older than I am, perhaps he was comparing his "uncool parents" to my seemingly "cool" mom. I dont really know why there was always tension between us but if I knew he was restricting me, when I wasn't doing anything but watching a movie & giggling with girlfirends - oh ya & eating -- I'd be absolutely furious. Besides that is what teenagers do - they are trying to test limits to grow as individuals. Based on my upbringing, if I had a teenager in that position, I'd be worried they might get mad at me, shut me out & start doing things outside of the house. Kids grow up & get out of the house, soon enough as it is, I'd question my husband if he was trying to speed up that process or put a wedge between us.
Good for you for allowing your daughter to continue to have friends & more or less shield her from his anger. You can't shield it completely, she may feel it but it doesnt sound fair & his anger does (IMHO) seem unjustified or misplaced.
I can't believe he's complaining about snacks would it could be so much worse, I for one started taking liquor out of the cabinet, et cetera. As long as I made A's in school, I got away with a lot.
I'd be curious to see what the other moms here feel about it when they weigh in on this issue. Thanks for posting, sorry ur in such a tough position but my mom would & did sheild me fropm her husbands as much as she could, always.
-- Edited by kitty on Tuesday 14th of April 2009 12:22:21 PM
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
You are in a awful situation. From what I did read, I do see jealousy from your husband. He is probably feeling guilty because his kids do not live with you guys and he is taking his guilty feelings out on you and your daughter.
When I married my husband, I had 2 daughters from my previous marriage. His children were grown and out of the house. He never treated my girls any differently than he did his own when they were small. He was and still is a very good step dad and I would not have stood for nothing less.
Perhaps you should suggest visiting a counselor or family therapist.
Good luck in whatever you decide to do.
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Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
Well just keep doin what your doing , good girls deserve a little fun too . It is her home too , he will get over it . dont bother asking him whats wrong , your already know whats wrong . If not your daughters friends he would jsut find something else to get angry about . Don't let him intimidate you , ummmm u live there too . lLouise
I hear your anxiety and know the "uptight stomach" feeling regarding "Children" in the house.
Your daughter is entitled to have her friends over to watch a movie or hang out in her room every few weeks. It is how she learns to be sociable and gracious with her friends.
Your husband does not like strangers in the house-taking up room and eating snacks.
I would sit down and negotiate a compromise with him Your serenity depends on it. Be honest and tell him how you feel. Your daughter should be able to entertain her friends for a few hours every few weeks. What days would work best for him? and what rules would he like to see imposed? Then try to compromise. It amazed me but that did work for me. Take the action and let go of the results.
Good Luck
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 14th of April 2009 01:51:24 PM
