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My husband will more than likely be getting out of detox today (been in since Friday). He doesn't want to stay at the facility for their In-Patient program because he's already done that (3 years ago). He said that he plans to go to AA meetings until he can find an Out-Patient Program that works for him and he's also planning to see his therapist regularly.
He has been on medical leave from work for back pain since March 25 and that's when his drinking started spiraling out of control. He was sleeping in late every morning and towards the end (the last 2 weeks) he was checking out on us every single day.
I'm wanting to set some ground rules when he comes home.
Rule 1: No drinking and no alcohol in the house for a month (to start with) Rule 2: He needs to be a functioning member of this family. He will set his alarm every morning and wake up at a "normal" time.
Does this sound too controlling? Is there anything I'm missing?
It's ok to set boundaries with our alcoholic when they come home from rehab. in my opinion, but we have to be ready to follow through with the results of the consequences if they do not. So be sure he knows what the consequences will be if he does not follow through with your requests. And then be ready to enforce them (the hard part).
My ah didn't get and keep a job and he is now not living with us. This is one of the boundaries I set with him. He is living hand to mouth at his parents farm in a trailer, buying selling and trading things to make money. It's barely enough to keep him afloat, much less a family, so he stays at the trailer and I stay here and pay my bills. Much harder on me in some ways, but he's not living off my mother and me any longer.
I see nothing wrong with setting boundry's as to what you will and will not except in your home, I don't think you are controlling at all, I think you are protecting and looking out for you and your family...
Like Jave, I believe you should be VERY CLEAR as to what happens when & If the Rules are broke, and I do believe that will be the hard one as well...
I will say, My Abrother, was GIVEN many things, Rules, threats, but my mom NEVER followed thru, now he is going on 30 yrs old, has nothing, and still has not reached his bottom... For I am NOW learning, thanks to Al-anon, that is HIS CHOICE, and NONE of my Business...
You can do this, just know what you want and go get it... Wish You Luck :)
The "no alcohol" sounds like a boundary so that you can live peacefully in your home. I have the same boundary, but it is not about making sure the A doesn't drink. It's about the fact that I do not feel comfortable with alcohol in my home.
I think that there is a difference between saying "You cannot drink for 3 months" and "I cannot live with you if you drink, and if you do so, you will need to move out." One is an order directing the A how to behave. I have learned the 3 Cs--I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. That directive sounds like control. The other, to me, is a boundary. It gives the A the opportunity to deal with the consequences of his behaviors--it is his/her choice. However, you need to make certain that you are prepared to follow-though with any consequence you set. Otherwise, the A will lose respect for you every time you back down and he will know that he really can do whatever he wants and you won't stick up for yourself. I learned that the very hard way while the my AH was active.
As for the time to get up and dictating the mode of family behavior....I know that I don't always do those things, so I would be reluctant to order the A to do so. Also, I am trying to change the mother-child interactions with the A that developed over the years and that seems very Mother-like to me.
Finally, the reality of early sobriety is that it is incredibly hard on the A both emotionally and physically. In my experience, it was a much better idea to work on myself and how I related to the A than to expect anything concrete from him in the early days other than to stay sober. In early recovery, the focus for the A HAS to be on stopping drinking and learning how to live sober. I used to think that was a crock, but I am living through it and I have seen it for myself.
My IC told me once that it takes about 18 months for the A brain to "dry out" and for the A to start to become a truly functioning individual and even then, there is still alot of work that the A has to do to learn how to deal with life without numbing with alcohol. Living with a recovering/recovered A is a long-haul deal. My AH will have 4 years on the 15th and he is just now starting to make progress on the interpersonal front. I have heard that the first 5 years is the hardest... UGH!!
My point?? Remember the 3 C's. Focus on you. Get to a F2F meetings. Think about boundaries that you need-but give the A the time to recover. I'm not suggesting that unacceptable behavior be tolerated, but don't use your list to disguise the desire to make sure he doesn't relapse. That is a completely normal desire, but you can't keep him from using if he is going to do it.
Hang in there and keep coming back!!
Yours in Recovery,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
I wish u luck with the rules , but the no drinking in the house is a boundary and no time limit . If yur going to do this there has to be a concequence and you have to be strong enough to carry it thru , no drinking in the home or -------------? Remember an alcoholic will say and do anything to get us off th ier backs , promise to go to meetings , therepists anything to get what they need . I hope u are going to meetings f2f for yourself u need support . Louise
Update: I spoke with my dad who has been in recovery for 25 years. He told me that instead of calling them "rules" or "boundaries," I should think of them as "normal expectations." That made a lot of sense to me and it helped me discuss the normal expectations with my husband when I picked him up from detox.
