The material presented
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level.
So yesterday was Easter and I made all the phone calls to wish folks a happy easter. Momma called me back and tells me up front that Sarah Sperry, my step sister, had a huge fiasco. She had moved down to TX with her boyfriend and moved in with him, not engaged, no backup plan, etc. And I was like, from the beginning, "are you sure this is a good idea? what happens if this doesn't work out?" and momma and John and all of them were like "how could you say something like that? that's so rude! it's not your business!" Well, big surprise, her boyfriend dumps her, and he cancels the lease, leaving Sarah without an income, a place to live, and stranded in Houston TX where she knew no body. So momma calls my cousin Joanie to bail her out. And Joanie helps Sarah pack up her stuff, move to a new a pt and puts down some key money. So I tell momma, "Is anyone gonna talk to Sarah about this? Is anyone gonna help Sarah look at this?" and momma goes "What do you mean?" and I'm like "well momma, this is a pretty big deal. I mean, if Sarah hadn't had Joanie, she'd had been in deep." And momma says "Sarah, she's heartbroken, alone, and desperate. I think the consequences are gonna teach her more than anything I could say. And I don't think it's fair to shame her into being greatful." And I'm like "momma, I'm not saying that, what I'm saying is that I remember I told y'all from the beginning that this was a bad idea. That Sarah was moving to a place where she didn't know anybody, didn't have a job, didn't have a diploma, and didn't have a backup plan if things when down. And now I'm right, and no one's gonna talk to her?" And she says "Well Sarah I don't think it's fair to talk to her like she's a child. Whenever I talk to you like that, you get upset and we don't have a relationship. So I don't talk to you like that." And I say "Well Momma I don't agree with that. Lately, you've been talking to me like that about layne bryant; before that it was section 8 housing; before that it was the insurance; before that it was getting a job with the federal government. You talk to me like a child." And she says "Well, if I do,I'm sorry I don't mean to. But Sarah, when I know I'm right I do everything I can to convince you of it, and try to teach you the rightness of my experience, and I'm coming to see that you're gonna do whatever you want anyway, so I just gave up trying to tell you anything." And by this point I'm like No way, whatever! And I say "Well momma, this is why I'm asking if someone's gonna talk to SArah. If she's really an adult she can handle this." And she becomes more resistant, and finally it comes out that Momma asked Joanie to bail Sarah out, initially Momma just said that Joanie baile dout Sarah, not that Momma asked her to. So I cut momma off and hang up and I do a 10th step with a friend before the meeitng who reminds me that this is a pattern of behavior and ultimately Sarah Sperry's gonna create enemies by needing to be bailed out over and over and over, and that, really, it's a blessing that I don't have her problem, that I can stand on my own two feet and can think it through. That I had enough maturity before I moved down here to have a back up plan, to think through what I needed to do if the shit hit the fan, etc. Camille ecoed that sentiment and emphasized I have a program and Sarah Sperry doesn't, and that, so long as Mom enables her, SArah Sperry's got a free ticket out of jail. Eventually, Camieele said, Sarahs' gonna wear out her welcome, and Momma's gonna get sick of it too. It just make me so mad, becky. Momma always says how she has to be equal to all us kids--well, if I had been in SArah Sperry's place, momma wouldn't have interviened. I was living in my car at 14 months sober, and momma didn't interviene. And when I needed her to intervience when daddy was beating the shit outta me, and, the most importatnt day of my life, when I told her about the incest, she left me by the side of the road. She told me it was all my fault and then she tried to institutionalize me. I am just so pissed off, I mean absolutely pissed off, because Momma's willing to do this for someone who's not even her own flesh and blood 1,000 miles away, and couldn't intervene for me in her own house. I feel alot better now that I've talked about it and wrote about it, and I know that Momma isn't capable of seeing that I needed her to be my momma, that I've always needed her to be my momma, but she can't give what she doesn't have. The she doesn't know how. I know this in my head, but when things like this happen...all that good training goes out the window
I know that "this too shall pass" and this would be a good time to take my own advice, but whenever this "stuff" happens, I get undone. I'll feel better eventually. Thanks for listening
Remember what your friend told you, "I can stand on my own two feet and can think it through. That I had enough maturity before I moved down here to have a back up plan, to think through what I needed to do if the shit hit the fan, etc. Camille ecoed that sentiment and emphasized I have a program and Sarah Sperry doesn't..." We have to remember Step one: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (& people, places, and things)- that our lives had become unmanageable. Don't get sucked into the fiasco, just remember we didn't cause it, we can't cure it and we can't contol it. Take thinks One Day at a Time, detach from your stepsisters antics and your mom's codependent behavior and take care of you.
I know it hurts when a mom won't be there for us like we'd like them to be, I have one of those too. But we still have a responsiblility to be there for ourselves and work our program, there are plenty of 'moms' in the program that can step in and be a good support for us. I'm glad you called one of the people in your program and did a 10th step, that is good working of your program for you.
Keep the focus on yourself and keep working your program, You're worth it!
What I got out of that was remembering that after getting into program and recovery everytime I walked back into that room of past experiences I spent less time there and was affected less from it. Now I just walk past that door and don't have the time or need to go look inside it anymore. Now I can put a time limit on my struggles and when it is past time I let go and let God and God's instruments take me out. You had a screwed past and found recovery. At least one of the family is stronger and wiser.
One of the ways that we alanoners get sick is that we become control freaks, trying to fix our A's and many times that snowballs into trying to fix others.
When we get better, others sometimes get better, and that seems to have happened to Momma. I think she showed wonderful growth to let Sarah learn from her mistakes and not try to lecture or nag her. The fact that she needed someone to bail her out is actually very typical, when you are "in love" many people leap before they look.
The fact that you are much more level headed and responsible, always having a back-up plan is a wonderful fact, you are going to have a very secure and solid life if you continue in that manner. But other people tend to live by the seat of their pants, sort of making up things as they go and that is just the human condition.
I know because I used to be just like Sarah, LOL. I used to leap before I looked, made bad choices and sort of relied on my parents to bail me out, which they always did. Eventually that got embarrassing, especially when my older sister was like you, reliable, responsible, and who never needed bailing out. I was one of those people who had to learn the hard way. I am glad I learned before I wore out my welcome though, I made bad choices from immaturity and impulsiveness of the young, not due to irrisponsiblity or a take advantage attitude.
You will never really have serenity in your life until you learn to live and LET LIVE. Be responsible, have your security, and just pray and wish the best for people who don't have those qualities, life is not a bowl of cherries for them like you may think it is.
Life isn't fair I know, my sister was always jealous of how my parents where there for me, but I was always jealous of how much they respected her and were proud of her.
That is a good reminder of the three C's, especially the part about not being able to CURE it. Women the world over believe that TALKING (really NAGGING!!!) people will fix them and it just isn't true. "Talking" (nagging) to adults really only annoys them and turns them off as you yourself mentioned when it is done to you. All it does is make the nagger CRAZY with frustration and drive a wedge between them.
Keep being responsible and you will have a good life.
